DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

I can and frequently pay for my own food when we go out. I even pay for his a lot of times, not an issue for me. I was afraid he'd say no to the waiter if I were to call one and that would have been even more embarassing for me because there was extended family at the table.

OP, please leave him now. This situation will never get better. He will not morph into a nice person. Luckily, you aren't dependent on him for money, and you have no children to worry about.
Just get away from him.
I wish you all the best

Oh OP you really can meet someone better than this. Don’t stay just so you won’t be alone.
out of interest what cult is he a part of?

I know how incredibly difficult it is to leave an abusive husband, but take it from me, once you're free from him, you'll get your life back. You should not live like this anymore. You deserve better, a lot better, and there is better out there. Please get away from him ASAP.

Please leave him. Please please please. Please.

And give a big bodycombat KIA!!! as you walk out.

You’re being abused.

you make your own money. Leave him before you get pregnant. abuse escalates when a woman is pregnant, things will get a lot worse for you.

also FWIW on the phone thing- I think it’s really rude of him to yap away on his mobile in your presence instead of taking his apparently private call into another room.

my husband would never speak to me that way, even if I annoyed him. Nor I to him.

wow, that’s one way to make excuses for an abusive man

Men can’t multitask so that’s justified the way he insults her with his family members on the phone or talks down at her in front of his mother who laughs, or justifies how he dictates what she eats while she has no say, or justifies how he demands she get approval before she spends her money but he refuses to tell her what he spends his money on, or oh is it the physical abuse that you’re justifying?

I just don't think it's the right time to let him know how I feel.

Don't tell him. Don't tell anyone. Not your family. Especially with the cult problems. It is unsafe - he is likely to hurt you or even worse. You need to survive this. Find somewhere to live, and go.

Bristol is a good city. Do you just need time to write up your PhD thesis, or are you attached to some lab/infrastructure where you are right now? Can you speak to your supervisor or uni support services and try to explain that you need to move for your safety? It'll be difficult, but hopefully your therapist can help you prepare?

good idea re uni support services.. in your situation they may be able to help you find some accomodation in one of the residences for mature students. Students move around a lot and it would tide you over until you are back on your feet.

Wait ... Just seen the later posts .. you are being abused. You need to formulate s plan to go ... Now! So sorry op

It's just my thesis that's outstanding, I've written up my introduction chapter actually and have a paper published that I will include in my results. Uni won't really help - it's in Birmingham and they don't sponsor VISAs if you don't have experiments to run during your stay in the UK at the university - I asked around in 2019 and this was the case then and pretty sure this is the case now.

I think I will move to a room in Bristol where my employer is - they have been asking me to move there for some time now and my boss knows my story. I'll probably find something low commitment at least in the beginning and somewhere I could live with other women perhaps in a shared accommodation, it would be nice to have some friends living with you. I like sharing a house with women, everything smells amazing and is kept clean and everybody is always so considerate. I once shared a house with three other girls during my Bachelor's in West Yorkshire and the house was always warm, smelling nice and clean and the girls were really friendly as well.

I'm impressed OP. I couldn't do what you have done. You're a strong woman. The only thing you lack is confidence because you got all the rest. Please start planning for your exit from this abusive marriage. Get your ducks in a row; hide money, document everything, talk to your employer etc. Your new life is waiting for you.❤️

.

You are very rude.

It’s not embarrassing. Pack your bags and leave. Do you have supportive friends/ familly?

You need control of your own life, and get out now. I know women who have resorted to women’s aid and are a lot happier now living where they cannot be found. You have a good career, you’ll be fine.

What a horrible story.
OP, you’re an intelligent and educated woman, and you now live in the UK, where the rule of law applies. You no longer need to stay with this pathetic man. Although, please tell us - would leaving put you in physical danger? Does your husband’s family have loss of face / family honour beliefs? If so, you’ll already know that you’ll need to leave without warning, then disappear and start a new life elsewhere.
For now, is your internet access secure?
For your future happiness please get out of this ridiculous marriage, and - with respect - ridiculous, backwards culture.
Find a man who sees an intelligent postgraduate-qualified woman as someone to be respected and cherished, not feared. You will find plenty to choose from 😉

Oh my God, the phone thing would do my nut in! So you’re unreasonable for that. However he was extremely rude in the restaurant.

You guys get irritated very easily. That’s the problem. Her wanting to order something is not.

Have just read the full thread and he sounds awful.

OP, you sound great but seriously get away from this controlling and physically abusive man ASAP. You’re absolutely right about the fact that you should be “allowed” to order food, interject on a casual call, spend your own money, go to the gym, wear what you like etc. but hello this man hits you regularly so although this all adds up to a picture of coercive control and domestic abuse, it is surely clear to you that it’s not you causing relationship issues here, it’s him. It’s never going to suddenly get better and it often gets worse over time. I do understand it’s a much trickier situation legally for you compared to the average person if you’re here on a spousal visa so get some legal advice. PLEASE don’t delay too long on leaving, and definitely don’t risk a pregnancy with this man which is highly likely to escalate things.

As others have said, you may or may not meet the man of your dreams following a split but what is for sure is that this man is not the one, and it will likely only get harder to do this over time as you get older and potentially have kids and are more mentally beaten down by this relationship etc. I understand how important marriage is to women in your culture, but please give yourself the chance of a bright future whether single or with someone else. A male best friend is often a great option if romantic feelings have an opportunity to grow over time!… I was previously in an abusive marriage myself, it’s so hard to get out from domestic abuse and I sadly haven’t met anyone else as yet many years down the line from our split, however I haven’t given up hope yet. And although I dislike being single generally and yearn for a really satisfying and healthy relationship with a kind man, and being a single mother has been tough in many ways, I have such a peaceful relaxed home environment where I’m not walking on eggshells etc and I would a million times rather be on my own for the rest of my life than still be in the abusive marriage I was in.

Thanks, but I’ll decide when I reply,

Why is it complicated?

You rent because your husband can’t work a normal job and earns less than you.

He treats you the way he does because he’s insecure.

Why would you be embarrassed? He is the one who should be embarrassed

Why are you staying with him?

He’s a massive loser!

Please leave him.