DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

Your slow reveal of what's been happening to you shows just how brainwashed you've been by this vile man. Ignore the twits blathering on about interrupting on the phone and ordering meals.

You're an educated, qualified, accomplished woman currently living in a country where women have rights. He's using your seemingly precarious position here to control you.

You've seen the article on applying for ILR in the UK when escaping from an abusive marriage.

I'd recommend you look for a solicitor who specialises in UK immigration law and offers short free consultations, to give you a realistic overview of your situation, your rights and your options.

Don't listen to anything he may try to get you to believe about all this - he is your enemy.

Write EVERYTHING down somewhere he can't find it. Everything he's ever done to you. It will help you to focus and to give your account.

Women's Aid can give advice https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

is your reading comprehension also affected?

Op please leave this man before he escalates. If you end up pregnant that's what will happen.

Get home office advice about your visa and report the assaults to police as evidence.

Nothing is worth this treatment and you may find there are ways to get temporary visa to finish your phd

What absolute rubbish. So she is special if she wants to eat something different? You’re really serious????

So if your husband takes you to lunch you must eat whatever he chooses for you? Is that what you’re going with?

My DH really hates being interrupted too. In conversation and also on the phone. I don’t really get it and find it annoying and over reactive. Me and my friends interrupt each other constantly. He gets irate by it though. I try not to but usually forget d it is a real big bear for him though. Depends on upbringing. In our house we all shouted to be heard. In his it was more children seen abd not heard:

and the third example he punches her in the face!!

"I get hit in the face every 3 months more or less. He shouts, starts swearing and cussing at me and then hits me as a last resort. Police have been called at least twice by now in the last 7 years. I hate being controlled and try my best to hold my ground which infuriates him I think"

I just did I am in shock I am so sorry op. Please ignore my last comments you are a wonderful intelligent woman don't let this beast break you down.

🤡

Your thread isn't really about interrupting phone calls, and ordering food in a restaurant.

you have been given good advice up thread re Womans Aid, and Southall Black Sisters and another organisation. Take the advice, contact one or all of them.
https://southallblacksisters.org.uk

Fucking hell @Theroadt read the whole thread. Or just OP’s posts. Or just the second post which is from MumsnetHQ.

OP please try and get away from this awful awful man. You are worth so much more. You sound amazing.

I only read a few posts I normally do read all the posts before I do anything. I hope the op is okay.

Dear OP, as others have said you have been brainwashed. Please get out of this abusive marriage before worse happens to you. There are people who can help you and who will support you. You sound like an amazing, resourceful person who has everything going for her. Good luck.

@Zeemie22 op I am so sorry and can feel the shyness on your posts.
You are being controlled in every way .
You can’t soeak, you can’t make decisions . You can’t eat unless your told what to eat. .
You can’t down your own money . You are dismissed .
I am sure there is much more than you have mentioned .

Op get yourself out of that relationship .

So sorry that you are going through this. It is obvious this man has abused you for the last seven years and you do not deserve any of it at all.
May I ask why you went ahead to marry him and move countries for him leaving behind your support system? You also said you earn more than he does and have had a stable job for the last 10 years, it seems scary now but since you already pay all bills (as you stated) you could comfortably take care of yourself without him? Is the job in the UK or Germany?
Also, if you have a record of the DA you can take that to the police and divorce him and get on the 10 year settlement route. Does your culture/relegion not allow divorce?
Where are you doing your PhD from Germany or UK since you say you only arrived 3 weeks ago?

It's really good that you have started making plans.

But why wait 12 months.. now you are around him all the time instead of just long distance, the situation could become a lot more dangerous. His previous abuse was so bad the police told you to stay elsewhere that night, He could do so much emotional and physical damage in the next 12 months. Im guessing that his first object will be to stop you working in a professional job so that you have to do a local job that he will have more control over.

Speak to some of the organisations and solicitor. book your storage locker over the phone. Particularly Womens Aid who can help you find a way to leave now, . Decide what essentials you need. book your storage locker over the phone Don't worry about donating clothes you don't need, just leave them.
Could you tell your employer? would they be able to help you find somewhere temporary?

Next time he leaves the house.. grab your essential gear and go. Drive, or call an uber

You can finish your thesis in peace in Bristol, near your employer and far away from this abuser. You sound like a strong, intelligent person, you have a job, a career, qualifications and you've also worked jobs before to help support yourself during your education so you have references and you know that you are capable of earning. Get in touch with your UK friends that you lost touch with when you went to Germany.

Wishing you luck x

He'd of been wearing the food! Why would you let yourself be treated like that. Next time just leave. Get a taxi home
Take your keys. Sounds a creep

@Zeemie22 please protect yourself from pregnancy, the last thing you need is to be unable to work, delaying your qualifications and tied to this man forever. If you haven’t registered with a GP yet please do this as soon as possible. Medical contraception is free in the uk, get on something that will work for you as a priority. You can also tell your GP about your husband, they won’t take any action without your consent but they can make a record and offer support.

I understand there are cultural expectations that many of us will be unaware of but please be assured that divorce in British culture is not embarrassing or taboo. Anyone who would shame you for leaving an abusive man is not someone you want in your life. The embarrassment is his for being such a pathetic excuse for a husband.

Domestic violence is recognised as a crime and marriage does not give him the right to treat you however he chooses. As you have only just started living together full time it’s likely his violence will intensify along with his attempts to control and belittle you now that he has physical access to you. I’m not trying to scare you but you are now in more danger from him, 12 months is a long time to wait to leave and just hoping things don’t escalate before then could prove very dangerous for you.

You are so smart, don’t let him continue to tear you down. You can leave, you can be happy again, you are stronger than you know

You are in a very vulnerable position he will try to break you down. You can try and get a work visa or a student visa because you are studying for your PhD. Good luck and please be careful.

@DramaQueenlady

just fyi, an update from @Zeemie22

"I get hit in the face every 3 months more or less. He shouts, starts swearing and cussing at me and then hits me as a last resort. Police have been called at least twice by now in the last 7 years. I hate being controlled and try my best to hold my ground which infuriates him I think"

If you earn more money than him then pay for your own kebabs? How can he refuse the waiter from serving you ? He sounds like a megalomaniac from hell.

Honestly what is the benefit to you of being with someone who controls you this severely.
Can you go to family? Contact women's aid?

You don't need to accept this type of shit from him or anyone.

I knew you were Asian. I've seen men like this time and time again. They can't feel even the tiny bit threatened.

If you understand OP's culture you'll know just how hard it is for her to just leave.

Keep doing what you're doing OP in terms of slowly getting ready but get some legal advice on the procedure on the gov.uk link so you can hopefully leave sooner.

And whatever happens (and I can't stress this enough) DO NOT GET PREGNANT. It will be worse every way possible if you do and you'll be tied to him forever. Be careful about where you keep your pill or whatever too so he doesn't see.

I met him towards the end of my Masters while I was still in the UK. I had already signed a contract to start my postgrad in Germany and I actually flew out to Germany three weeks after I got married. I should have waited and not rushed into this in hindsight I think . I was naive and this was neither arranged nor a love marriage but something in between - we met and decided we are a good match for each other and got the families involved. It wasn't love for sure but I was incredibly lonely. My best friend at the time really wanted to marry me although I told him I don't think of him that way, I've had friends from college and university propose to me for marriage but I'm incredibly choosy. I ended up choosing the wrong guy in the end I guess.

I'm also not at all religious - spiritual yes but not religious and he is part of a cult. That makes things hard as well, I have been pretending I'm one of them for the last 7 years. It gets funny most times because I feel like an impostor but I get frustrated when he tries to preach and show me he is superior and his religion is the one true religion. I don't make fun of his religion nor push my own beliefs on anyone, I don't appreciate people doing that to me. It feels oppressive. He wants to have kids with me but I'm not even allowed to give input on their names - he wants full control and choose some religious name that I know my kid is going to get bullied at school for and something I feel very strongly about.

There's so much more to my story. We aren't even compatible in bed and I've not once looked forward to sleeping with him in the 7 years we've been together. Not once. I've been treated like my feelings don't matter here either. I've just gotten used to not wanting a physical relation with anyone at all anymore.

This is not a relationship you should be standing your ground in if he hits you. You should be packing your bags and leaving him. You have a full time job so you can survive without his money. Do yourself a favour and leave him. Big hugs from a stranger on the internet x

I hate it too. Just remember men are only capable of multitasking when they are reading and sat on the loo!