DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

You are a clever, successful woman, able to be independent and strong. You are already trying to do that and your abusive husband is doing his best to prevent it by undermining you and hitting you. He shows his contempt in public. If you get pregnant, statistics show it will get worse. Please get support to help you leave safely - you can do it. You’re worth more than this appalling life with him.

Op have you read this?

https://www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse

You sound like a very kind and intelligent woman who has unfortunately got married to an insecure and violent man. This man seems extremely dangerous and I believe he is also feeling threatened at the idea of you losing weight which is where most of the opposition to the gym comes from. He thinks you will find someone else and leave him because he knows he treats you poorly.

To address the whole “won’t find anyone else decent” thing, firstly this man is not decent and secondly, I’ll go against the grain here a bit to say- actually the truth is you might not find anyone decent that you fall in love with if you leave this man.

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I think it’s important to be honest, there are many never married and divorced awesome women in their 30s and 40s who don’t go meet the one and their prospects dwindle as they grow older. That’s the reality…

But that should NOT deter you from leaving him. Being single is so much better, safer and more peaceful than being with a man like that.

Society has warped women’s brain so some don’t realise this and are brainwashed into thinking having any man is a prize, but you should really only give up being single if the man enhances your life. And even then you must be on your guard as many men switch after the initial honeymoon period .

This man is a risk to your life, please do take his violence very seriously. Do your family know what he’s like?

Sounds like he knows you’re intelligent and could quite easily cope without him. He feels insecure and inferior so is trying to knock you down, just like abusive controlling men do. That’s why he belittles and hits you. I can sense though that you’re finding strength to challenge his behaviour. Please hold onto that strength and build on it. You deserve so much better than this cowardly horrible man, and you’re getting lots of good advice on here. Sending you positive hugs. ❤️

Would you say that you believe that women are equal to men ? If so would you say that you are compatible with this man ? He seems to have an inherent view that women are inferior. Whether that is cultural or not I don’t know, but I doubt he will ever change in his contempt for you as his wife.I hope that some of the information people have given will help you disentangle yourself from him

I know what you mean. There was something about the first post that didn't seem right so I had a look through a few more before I voted.

Interrupting while he's on the phone would irritate the fuck out of me. My partner sometimes does it not in a loud but ina irritating pointing way as if I don't what the fuck to say. Rant over I still love him dearly but that really irritates me.

You order what ever you want it's your belly not his. In future tell him you don't like it and it will be a waste of money if you ordered it. You have to stop him from controlling what you eat.

@Zeemie22 omg you’re a Les Mills instructor too? There really is no end to your talents!
What’s your favourite LM class? Mine is Body Combat.

I’m so glad that the majority of the comments and advice are helpful for you. Please save them down somewhere safe. Somewhere that your H can’t access. Your safety is paramount right now.

You are honestly worth so much more than him. So much more. So well done for reaching out on here and letting us hear your story. I still urge you to try and reach out to some old friends, people you can trust. And well done for having a plan.

The sooner you leave him the better. I promise. I’ll try and find some threads on here where women have successfully left abusive marriages and relationships and link them for you to read.

Op you're a magnificent survivor of a majorly abusive man.

You do have the resilience but at the mo I'm expect you're enhausted, frightened and completely oppressed by this man.

I'm really worried that he's escalating his behaviour - control and violence. .. No doubt on some level he's going to realise you'll begin to gradually withdraw as you reach PhD completion...

(BTW he's a complete arse if he believes 50 per cent of people have a PhD!!... Do tell how many qualifications he holds?!)

It will get VERY risky to remain there much longer... Surprise is your friend.

Id seriously consider reordering how you sort this...

As others have said Women's Aid now to plan you're escape. I'd be leaving in next couple of weeks...

I KNOW this sounds scary..
But just think if it... You won't have to see him ever again....

Bristol is a big city, why don't you just rent a room in a student share and disappear off to write your thesis to be away from this abuser.

The government sites /solicitor re your visa status.

Then leave... Please don't delay leaving as other women do and end up dead.

I've worked with many many womeb who've escaped violent relationships...

Your life has so much more worth than this dispicable bully has placed on you.

Thank you, yes I just went through this. I think I will need legal advice regarding this, I only just arrived three weeks ago and apart from one incident which happened in 2019 when the Uk police were called and have it on record that he hit me and was told to leave the house by the police for that night - the rest of it happened outside the UK. He tried to convince the German police that I was the one abusive to him by showing him nail scratches on his face and arms that I probably inflicted in self defense - I was no match to him physically and he had bruised my head and my left eye and there was drops of blood all over my apartment. Not enough for the police to think it was someone getting killed though and he wiped all the blood away from my face when the police came knocking on the door and cleaned my face. There was blood in my hair and on my dark grey pyjamas but the police couldn't see it I think. I told them he hits me regularly but for some odd reason they were sympathetic towards him. I was outside on the street with blood in my hair, my left eye bruised (it was a fresh bruise and took a while to darken) and no shoes on me. And he somehow convinced the police to let him have a shower before he left my apartment, they called me 6 months later asking me whether I was physically violent towards him. I felt like I was being set up.

Just to say, you're not a victim, you're a survivor, surviving some awful abuse and doing some amazing things despite that. PhDs are not that common! I don't have advice really, but just to wish you all the best

Why on earth did you ask him if you could order x? Just give the waiter the order like any normal adult.

You're 36 years old stop caring what others think. Next time say you're sick and order a salad with chicken slices. Your husband sounds very upright make it worse for him in a juvenile way.

Also please stay safe... Delete your search history and hide this...

You need to ensure he's no idea youre going...

Good luck!

There's a fab world out there and there are fab men that will honour you as a woman and academic...

Don't let this man end your hopes /aspiration and life....

Sending you hugs from the chilly south west!

I think it depends on the context, the way I understand it he was talking to his brother about the lunch plans which she was also involved in so there’s nothing wrong her chipping in when what she had to say was relating to the restaurant, that’s very different from a business call or a call that has nothing to do with her.

For example my spouse is talking to someone about planning an outing on Saturday and I know we already have a commitment Saturday there is nothing wrong me saying babe don’t forget we already have xx on Saturday. If he reacts by insulting me while on the phone then he’s an abusive controlling prick and I would not stand for that at all.

And even if my spouse upset me by interrupting a call I will address it with her later not insult her while my family members are on the call. That is very very disrespectful and tells my family that my spouse doesn’t matter.

And the restaurant situation just screams a weird dynamic between them and I don’t know if it’s the age difference or maybe he is the breadwinner so she is dependent on him but it seems that his family are in on it and are used to him shutting her down and being disrespectful to her and it will also affect how they treat her.

You do make a fair point. The reason why it would bug me and drive me insane is because I am half deaf. I only have one ear to rely on. It's not unreasonable for the op to chip in if she's part of the plans.

The Context is he hits her in the face. and the police have been called twice

I absolutely love BodyAttack and BodyPump, BodyBalance as well to round things off at the end. I've attended a few BodyCombat classes as well, they're fun too! 😊

Thank you for your support, it means a lot. Thanks for talking to me x

Why are you allowing yourself to be walked all over?

In the first example, I'm going to go against the grain. If you are having a conversation in the same room as me I have fair game to contribute. If he doesn't want to be "interrupted" he can take the phone call in another room.

In the second example you should have just ordered what you wanted. He can't tell the waiter no don't give this customer what they are ordering.

It sounds like he is financially abusing you, along with other controlling behaviour.

OP, I have read all your posts. Do you have any support or network in this country? I don't feel you should wait 12 months before leaving this man. If you get pregnant, you will not be able to leave at all. You sound a remarkable woman, so talented and bright and go-getting. He sounds like the illiterate village idiot from rural Pakistan. He's dragging you down to his level because he can't stand to see his wife do better than him. It emasculates him. I am also South Asian heritage. This is not our culture, in my family you would absolutely be celebrated for all your achievements. Please reach out to the organisations that so many lovely women have recommended above - Women's Aid, Kiran, Southall Black Sisters. We are all here to help you. Send me a message if you like.

.... and the physical abuse too @DressOrSkirt??

Bristol is a brilliant city full of no-nonsense women (including my aunties!). Stay safe OP. This lowlife doesn’t deserve you. Next time he kicks off, please call the police, get that on the record.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp @Orderofthephoenixparody

Did you read the update?

"I get hit in the face every 3 months more or less. He shouts, starts swearing and cussing at me and then hits me as a last resort. Police have been called at least twice by now in the last 7 years. I hate being controlled and try my best to hold my ground which infuriates him I think"

@Zeemie22 is a victim of DV

I haven't read all the updates, my reply is based on the OP but I am catching up now

Thank you, everyone of going on and on about don’t interrupt a call and missing the point. Yes she can interrupt the call if she has something to say to him regarding the conversation he is having on the call. It’s not like he was in a board meeting or something.

@Zeemie22 you are in an abusive controlling marriage and to top it off he belittles you in front of his family and friends which is very very disrespectful and his mother laughs which suggests they don’t have any respect for you at all.

I initially though you depended on him financially but I see your update that you earn your own money so you need to start asserting your independence, if he will not ask you for permission before he spends his money then you don’t ask him for permission before you spend your money. This dynamic is very weird and I don’t know if it is because of the age difference but it’s unhealthy, controlling and abusive.

You also need to be ready to walk if things don’t change.