DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

Oh OP, you need to get away from this man. I understand your visa fears, but there are options for victims of domestic abuse.

You need to talk to an immigration solicitor. I'm guessing you probably earn too much to qualify for legal aid, but depending where you live, there might be other free services that you can access if you're worried about your H seeing the expenditure.

He is controlling and abusive, and you shouldn't have to live like this. You have so much going for you. Please get out. You will feel so much better when you're free.

Um, every second person does NOT have a PhD!

What are his qualifications?

He is truly truly awful and you need to get away

@Zeemie22 You are not a victim - you are a survivor of domestic abuse. Never forget that. Remember the incredible strength you’ve shown by making it through this, and know that this strength will guide you as you move forward and break free.

How about you get off your high horse, I am in no way condoning violence, not at all, physical or mental, it’s horrific what she was subjected to by her DH, however the original post was asking if she was in the wrong for interrupting calls and I was stating that from my opinion yes, it’s annoying, I’m not about to change my opinion because of her updates but I do feel sorry for her being in a DV relationship. I’m not about to throw loads of advice her way because fortunately I’ve never been in that position and not sure what I would do given that my circumstances change. Who am I to dish out advice for something I have no experience with.

For anyone who initially voted the OP is being unreasonable, you can change it by clicking on yanbu. Please do. She is in a vulnerable state and a high percentage of yabu may make her feel her husband is justified in his actions.

OP, what’s your immigration status? And what’s his? If you don’t want to say on here, that’s completely understandable, but have a click on the .gov website that has been posted above and see if you meet the requirements for leave as a victim of domestic violence. It’s based on the premise that a spouse has uprooted themselves and come to the UK to settle here and that they’ve been unable to do so because of domestic violence. That’s not their fault and they shouldn’t be penalised for it because their spouse is an awful person.

I also very strongly suggest that if you’re not up for calling the police, which is completely understandable, that you go to your GP to document any injuries he has left you with the next time he attacks you.

Maybe it’s time you stepped away from this thread.

You MUST leave this man. You are worth so much more than all this abuse. Do it as soon as it's safe to do so and do not have a child with him or you'll never escape.

Just noticed you have a therapist, op, whom tells you your dh is insecure.

Strongly suggest this therapist is not helping you, because this sounds to me like victim blaming. They should be helping you get the courage and confidence to leave, not trying to understand and pacify a man that knocks you about.

You've had some amazing advice on this thread. Keep posting. Maybe ask for it to be moved to relationships?

When you call the agencies take their advice. They have seen it all before and will know you need to leave ASAP. Listen to them.

If its taking a while to leave him for whatever reason and he's continuing to have sex with you... I hope you're on massively reliable contraception??

I think pregnancy for you would be a disaster by this man?

I'm wondering if there are cultural reasons if youre not using reliable contraception?

You poor love. You must be a smart talented person, don’t believe a word of his nonsense.

Talk to a solicitor about your immigration status and run like the wind.

His behaviour is revolting, what a PIG and you deserve so much better.

I'd put every penny I have on that he doesn't have a PhD! Probably not even an undergraduate degree - awful abusive man!

@Zeemie22. You sound amazing. Strong, hard-working, intelligent, flexible.

Please don’t stay with this man. You have a right to respect. No one has a right to be violent to you or control your behaviour via the threat of it.

Seek advice from a domestic abuse agency, who may be able to help with your rights to remain.

Southall Black Sisters could be a good staring point: https://southallblacksisters.org.uk/our-services/domestic-abuse-helpline/.

Look after yourself ❤️

I've done just that, thanks for reminding me!
I voted based on first post, but gut instinct and years on MN should have made me think before voting.

Why are you interrupting?

Please don't stay with this man, there is a better future out there for you.

I would suggest making an appointment to see a solicitor.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

I appreciate you saying that, thank you. I appreciate everyone giving my post the time of day. This is the first time I've posted on MN and I've been a silent lurker on here for at least a couple of years. I honestly did not expect the amount of support and engagement I've received on here and I am going to save all comments on this thread and I hope nobody deletes this post because I want to go through this thread whenever I feel like I need a reminder.

I have emotionally checked out a long time ago. I have no love inside of me for this man if I'm honest. I go through the motions every day because I feel like I need to do what I need to do but there's no love. He knows I'm afraid of him hitting me again and he finds that amusing - maybe that is what satisfies his need for power and control as someone said and it's almost a relief. Someone said he tries to put me in my place and he admits to doing that - he says when you live with me, it's my rules. I'm a certified Les Mills instructor as well on the side, something I had as a hobby before I got married to him and when I had more time on my hands and I know quite a lot about sports, mobility, training etc and even that makes him feel insecure because I tell him to do stretches to avoid his repeat injuries etc and he almost feels embarrassed he doesn't know something I do and that I still am good at so many years on.

I just don't think it's the right time to let him know how I feel. I will leave one day. I know I will eventually. I've known this since the first time he hit me 6 years ago. I need to finish writing up my PhD thesis which will take another 12 months because I work full time, and I will be getting a self storage locker and slowly storing away stuff I don't need I might have to donate some of my clothes. I'll sell my electronics etc. I'll trim down to bare basics by the time I hand in my thesis in a year's time so it won't be too hard to move. And then I will move to Bristol where my employer is and not look back until this is over.

I keep saying I will leave though and I have tried so many times before. It's not a good match and the comments have been helpful in here in bringing that to front for me.

Have you not noticed that the thread has moved on?

You didn't read any updates?

Any other posts just before you posted?

Maybe because her partner is beating her and she’s desperate for a voice and an identity. Who knows.

Hi everyone,

Just a quick message to encourage everyone to please read the entire thread before posting.

Thanks - sorry to hijack your thread OP.

I hope you can leave him soon OP he sounds so horrible and you sound so bright and full of life

I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and I won't find anyone else decent.

But he isn't decent. He's abusive. You're an intelligent woman. Why are you still with him?
Please contact Womens Aid.

Omg, just be quiet!

@Zeemie22 Is he also from Pakistan? Just him saying “our culture”, or what is his background?
Does your therapist know he hits you and don’t they advise that you leave him?
This is an awful life for you OP, I wish you could see it from all of our POV and get out. This will only end badly if you stay.