DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

@KimMumsnet seriously!!

Please add a TW for DV to @Zeemie22 original thread title.

It is possible

You are going to feel a real dick when you realise what’s going on. I suggest you delete your post.

“I get hit in the face every 3 months more or less. He shouts, starts swearing and cussing at me and then hits me as a last resort. Police have been called at least twice by now in the last 7 years.”

OP, this is abuse and you need to get out because it will only get worse. Please, for your own safety, you need to take steps to get away from this abusive man. As for “I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and I won't find anyone else decent” - he is not a decent man if he is physically violent, puts you down and exerts coercive control over what you can do with your own money. You are worth so much more than this. You say you’re going to take a PhD in biology - surely you will meet people doing that. Don’t sell yourself short - you say, “the good times with him are good, but the bad ones are really really bad.” - nobody can live like this. As for “have you had a look around and seen how husbands treat their wives in our culture? You should feel blessed you have me.” - you absolutely shouldn’t. There are good and bad husbands in every culture: sadly, you have a bad one. You really need to get away from this abusive man who tries to control you and makes you feel worthless and think that he is the best you can get - he’s so wrong. OP, you need help - unfortunately, domestic violence onky escalates with time. You could start with the national domestic abuse helpline - help is available. But OP, you need to do something, and please, don’t believe that “maybe I do deserve this is what I think at the end of day” - because you absolutely don’t.

Oooh I think you need to read all op updates.... this is sooo wrong @DeSoleil You really need to delete your post.

Absolutely not, don’t twist my words, I was simply reacting to another post that was a similar experience to mine not at all too OPs specific post. Yes I’d be annoyed if she constantly interrupted my calls but in no way should that result in violence.

Your updates are so heartbreaking. He’s really ground you down but please listen to the posters on here and get expert advice on this. You are worth so much more. He’s jealous of your achievements and he physically and mentally abuses you. He controls you in every way possible. This is no way to live. You have done so well and you are special so please do remember that and hold on to that. He’s not worthy of you, he’s not worthy of anyone and should be left to rot.

Not sure how to delete messages so edited this to say I’ve now read the OP’s updates to my comment doesn’t stand. Sorry

How about you read the OP's updates before commenting?

Then read the fucking thread

I have just and tried to delete my message but couldn’t.

@KimMumsnet

this is the kind of reply that the original post is eliciting

Thank God DeSoleil's post has been deleted. I hope the OP didn't read it.

How utterly irresponsible to post such a thing.

I don't know about any one else but I was just waiting for the OP to bring herself to tell us later in the thread that he was hitting her. It was obvious.

Have you got anything constructive to add? You haven’t even acknowledged that you got it all wrong!

Ask MNHQ and they will do it for you.

Giving you a massive virtual hug ❤

It’s understandable that you “never want to act like (a victim)” most of us don’t.

However, please do understand that you are a victim of abuse.

Your therapist is 100% correct. He is an unhappy and insecure man. He enjoys hurting you physically and emotionally to make himself feel better. To make himself feel powerful. That’s what it’s about. Power.

Have you confided in your therapist about the physical abuse and violence? If not, I strongly urge you to tell them.

I promise you that you DO have resilience left in you! So many of us are here for you right now and we want you to be safe and to gather the courage and strength to start the ball rolling to leaving this evil man.

You should be so proud of yourself for all your life achievements. You have a PHD at 36 - that’s fucking impressive! You have moved countries - more than once. Some people never even leave their hometowns, never mind their home countries. You are resilient. You’re capable of so much more than you think you are.

@Zeemie22 please don’t think that this equally your fault. It is not at all. Your husband is trying to bring you down because he knows he doesn’t deserve you.

He’s trying to belittle you so you won’t think you’d be worth anything to anyone else.

Don’t fall for it!

You have accomplished a lot and you’re still
so young! Don’t put up with this forever. Go on the pill if you can so you don’t end up pregnant by him, and follow the advice of others to make a plan to leave!

Um

Speaking of rude...

Check the updates

just to add @KimMumsnet despite @Zeemie22 updating with this info over an hour ago

This is so sad to read.
Our family often shout out things when we are on calls with other as you describe. No one ever gets annoyed.

It's much more than that though op. I hope you can find support to leave. Is he also Pakistani? Perhaps other mumsneters with your heritage could give some advice. Perhaps start a fresh thread outlining the violence and abuse.

What a lovely post❤

You are crying because the comments on this thread have made you realise something you have not been able to face for a long time- that your insecurities are not because you are not a worthy person, but because someone has deliberately set out to demoralise you, to belittle you, to undermine your confidence. You are the same bright , articulate person you ever were before you met your husband and became enmeshed in his cruel world, he has managed to persuade you to cover up the person you were before, but that person is still there, waiting to emerge again.

Being without a relationship is much better than being in an abusive one.

And there are ways to make friends once you're out of it.

You’re better off reporting posts rather than tagging KimMumsnet. I don’t think the moderators see when they are tagged, but they are notified when posts are reported.

.

For anyone wondering how to fix their own comments, I reported my own post and got it removed. Because I was an early commenter and was very, very wrong.