DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

Oh don't be so sanctimonious.

OP, please find a solicitor who is experienced in immigration . I believe that even on a spousal visa you might have grounds for applying to remain in the UK because you are in an abusive relationship, but I don’t know the ins and outs of this process so you do need to speak to someone who does.

Good luck. Is there also a chance you could get yourself some pregnancy protection, either the pill, an implant or the coil , because the last thing you need is a child with your abusive husband.

Can you speak to your manager at work and say you need to put a rush on your work visa? Or is there help at university?

As you know you want to leave, and hopefully will get this moving, suggest you protect yourself by going along with him. But in all honesty, you need to get your things and go. Keep your documents in a locker at the gym, like your passport.

I hope you are on the pill. You can also get help from the GP. Just pop along, register and ask advice. Your dh doesn't have to know.

It's not embarrassing you know. Your are not a lesser person or will end up alone - you are a catch- educated, travelled, and at 36, hardly expected not to have been in an ltr or married, and a decent man wouldn't even think of treating you like this.

Your husband is a controlling and highly abusive man.
He is not going to change. He will never listen to any appeal based on reason or an assertion of your rights as an equal human being, or even any appeal to his 'better nature' based on love or respect for you. He does not have a better nature. He fully embraces a view of a wife as a subservient being whose role is to boost his ego.

You do not have to live like this.
Help and support are available.
You can leave and you should consider it very seriously.

Women's Aid number is 0808 2000 247
Please call it.

There is also this organisation - forgive me if I'm making an incorrect assumption.
Muslim Women's Network Helpline -
www.mwnuk.co.uk/Helpline_181_c.php

RTFU

The phone thing is rude. My mother does it and its the height of bad manners. Your husband shouldnt have chastised you oublicly but you shouldnt have persisted when he ignored you, its strange to keep repeating yourself and not get the hint that it isnt polite to interject on a phonecall.

However there seems to be a funny dynamic at play if you're asking him if you can order something and then following through on his edict.

Is that your favourite word today? 🙄

How about Read The Fucking Thread!

And get yourself the best immigration solicitor you can find.

Reach out to your university.

I have to be extra careful not to offend his ego but I can't do that at the cost of my own self respect, I draw the line there.

My therapist says he must feel insecure, I tend to agree. He tells me I'm not special, and that every second person out there has a PhD. I don't ever boast about it though, I've barely scraped by academically and not something I'm chuffed about. I could have done better but 7 years of this marriage have pushed me towards depression, anxiety and I cry at the drop of a hat at the smalles things now. There's zero emotional resilience left in me. I'm crying as I type this, because so many of you are in my corner. I cry when my therapist empathises with me. I cry when someone says they're with me. I am not a victim though and I never want to act like one. I can't hold back tears when someone says they see me for some reason.

Exactly, but that would take away from all the 'omg... how can you satay that?!! Haven't you read the whole thread?!!!😱😱'

And they are the 1001 person to say the same sanctimonious put down!
'Pot calling kettle ... come in kettle...'😆

RTFT!

I would encourage you to reach out to Women's Aid and look up the freedom project. He isn't decent, your brain is tricking you by making you focus on the fact that there are some good times so you can silence the thoughts on the abuse (common in abusive relationships).
This is not a safe relationship or environment to be in. It doesn't matter whether you should be able to speak if he's on the phone because he is neither decent nor a good partner. He is a controlling, abusive a33hole.

Please know you should not feel ANY shame or embarrassment at splitting with him or leaving him. You can absolutely find a better partner than him and even if you didn't, trust me being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship.

Now that you live together, things will likely escalate. You need to take some time and plan your escape.

I hope this doesn't come across as mean, it genuinely comes from a place of worry for you and your safety. Please get help, it doesn't have to be this way ❤️❤️

This is very much my DP, drives me nuts, starts tryna whisper stuff I should mention etc… he’s gotten better over the years but it still does my head in.

So it’s fine that the OP’s husband hits her in the face is it?

Yes the "funny dynamic" is that he is an abusive, in ever way, arsehole!.

What about uni friends? reach out to Kiran support they understand the risk you are in. They can help.

Note to self read the whole thread.

You are not serious, surely?? Shame on you

My mom went through that and she had me. I was like 4 or five. We slipped out when he wasn't looking and ran and hid until we could get to my grandparents. They got divorced He gave up all rights to me. She married the man that became my Dad. They are still married and my Dad will be 90 this year. Best thing she ever did was leaving that a$$hole of a bio-Dad.

There is potential for you to stay in the UK https://www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse but that is for another day; for now focus on getting the strength to leave your husband. Please look at the support and resources you have been given already in this thread. Also consider contacting https://karmanirvana.org.uk who may also be able to help given the situation.

100% this

Do not have children with him
Stop wasting your life with this horrible man
There's nothing to be embarrassed about

@amele
@Starzinsky
@DeSoleil
@almostbloody50

Please read the OP's updates. Her husband is a violent abusive man who hits her.

I'm afraid I'm going to end up alone and I won't find anyone else decent.

@Zeemie22 being alone is far far better than being with this hideous monster. If you should ever be unlucky enough to become pregnant his abusive behaviour will escalate and you will find it even harder to leave.

Also, please delete your search history. You need to stay safe.

@Zeemie22 you have all the time in the world to meet someone who is good to you, whom you get on with.

One of the reasons he is abusing you is because he knows you are cleverer than him: he is trying to put you in your place.

He sounds like a despicable human being - the way he speaks to his younger brother etc.

I'm not trying to frighten you but you should watch a documentary called 'The Push: Murder on the Cliff' about an intelligent young woman who married a boorish man way beneath her on the intelligence and social scale.

His behaviour began like your husband's. Her family were suspicious but wanted to be good muslims and for their daughter to stay married. They were looking forward to grandchildren. She did leave him at least once, for a period of time but went back.

They went to Edinburgh on a back-together weekend. He pushed her off Arthur's Seat and she later died.

She was an only child. Watching her family, but particularly her mother, suffer was heartbreaking.

Please leave him @Zeemie22 Please make 100% sure you don't get pregnant whilst you plan it.

There is a specific route out of this in the Immigration Rules, under "Appendix Victim of Domestic Abuse" - it is designed so that women like you do not stay trapped in an abusive marriage just because of the spouse visa.

Putting that in bold so it doesn't get lost in the posts.

There are organisations that can help. Try Southall Black Sisters who specialise in this - even if you're not local they may be able to signpost you to somewhere nearer. Good luck.