What should I respond to ex loves wife?

[newbalanced]

So for context. I come from a small town, the type where everyone moves away and then returns to raise family.
I left for uni and never returned, settling where I studied. I’ve since met a wonderful man, married and gone onto have children.

At 17 I fell in love with a lad & we were involved for about 5 years, getting together when home from uni etc but it was very one sided. I was infatuated but he’d pick me up and put me down where it suited. For a long time I thought we’d end up together properly but after the years of back and forth I ended things for my own sanity! No hard feelings, I’ve grown up and just see it as a learning experience which eventually led me to real love.

I return to the town to see my dearest friends but have never crossed paths with this ex. It’s been 20 years. Early Last year he moved back to town with new wife and they have become friends with one of my closest friends (we share lots of old friends ) Close friend is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. Ex’s wife is invited in the hen and we have all been added to a group chat.

Last night Exs wife messaged me privately. Said she “knew who I was” and “what I meant to Ex” and wanted it put out there so there was no weirdness.

I simply replied “Hi, nice to meet you, but I’m not quite sure what you mean” because I had no idea of her angle.

She went onto say the Ex had told her how I was once the love of his life and the one that got away.

I haven’t replied because I have no idea how to. Do I reply flippantly, no problem type thing or should I explain what it was in my eyes??

I kinda want to brush over it because it’s weird to hear this new take on my history!!!

I think possibly she’s just trying to head off the awkwardness, but it’s an inherently awkward situation so there’s no good way to do it! I could see myself sending something like this with good intentions.

I don’t really see any value in hashing out how you saw it differently etc. I think the best thing to do is just take it at face value and send a nice but bland response like “oh haha, it was a long time ago and I’m just glad we both ended up happy”. Either she is a nice person who genuinely did want to just head off the potential awkwardness in which case it’s sorted, or she has some kind of angle, in which case the nice but bland response will irritate her but she can’t really do anything else.

Just say it was over 20 years ago and we are both very different people.

I think she’s being a bit strange considering it’s been 20 years since you saw him. I don’t think you need to explain anything. I wouldn’t except to have to explain any relationships I had a teen/very young adult to their spouse. Keep it very neutral, something like you’re looking forward to meeting on friends hen do and having a good time celebrating them.

Agree that ‘nice but bland’ is a good way to go.

Sounds like he uses you to avoid emotional intimacy with partners. Useful trope. Since he wasn’t that keen when he had you!

Seems to me like she's 'fishing' to see if your relationship was serious and or/if you potentially have feelings for him. Not sure why a man would tell his current girlfriend, that a girlfriend he had years ago 'was the love of his life' and 'the one that got away'?!! There wouldn't be any need to say anything! It would do nothing but potentially make the girlfriend feel second best and insecure! I would reply back 'Oh my goodness, that was a lifetime ago, glad that X is happy'. Keep it very neutral, polite and don't feel the need to explain yourself.

I would say something like 'I'm sure it was a lot more casual than that! All a very long time ago now' or similar. You don't want it to be weird at your friend's wedding.

“Oh we were just teenagers! 😂. But thank you. I appreciate that. Looking forward to the hen do!”

This is perfect, imo! No need to give it anymore headspace.

‘I moved on a very long time ago. Please don’t mention it any further’.

I think you are probably right!

Great response

"I was the ex that ran away! Hope you're having better luck with him."

I like this approach. I think I’ll put tightened something like this.

i hadn’t considered there would be any weirdness between her and I. It hadn’t crossed my mind!
I’d imagined we’d all just greet each other as old friends so Now I just need to practice not being weird around him and his rewriting of whatever we had!

God I wish I had the guts!

Eugh, absolutely he uses the ‘memory’ of you to keep her on edge, I have a wanker ex friend-with-dubious-benefits who has done this to me through two wives and numerous girlfriends, cue lots of women giving me pointed angsty death stares at birthdays parties and reunions and saying to mutual friends ‘I know. Who. She. Is.’ (The correct answer is someone who he was really horrible to way back in the day - sometimes I almost get confused myself and think ‘wait, DID he actually lurrrve me’ but the absolute truth is absolutely definitely not! Unsurprisingly I avoid him/them like the plague now. People are fucking odd as fuck basically.)

Also do just bear in mind that some people, a woman in this case but for sure can be men, are very very insecure about any kind of ex, so worth not getting too involved in reassurance either way. I’d just say something like ‘ha, I’d almost forgotten that! Pretty sure it was a lot less romantic but anyway, decades ago now!’ Don’t answer too quickly, don’t answer more than once. Again some people are very odd!

nail it.

Totally this!
At first I thought, “god I wish 20 year old me knew he felt this way”. But then I gave my head a wobble.

I have no idea of who he is now and he has no idea of who I am now. I’m actually glad she said something now I’ve read what you’ve put, least I’ll know what any looks are for!

Honestly good on her for messaging. It can be awkward in these situations. And she’s probably heard from multiple helpful friends about how Newbalanced and Fred used to be serious back in the day.

I am a big believer in ‘owning’ awkwardness. Get it out in the open and then move on is my motto.

Have fun at the hen do!

At first I thought, “god I wish 20 year old me knew he felt this way”. But then I gave my head a wobble.

I used to have a FWB who used me to torture girlfriends. No 'B' when he was going out with them but taking me to dinner etc. and telling them. Backfired a few times because women talk and we invariably kept the GFs as friends when they got sick of his nonsense. He never did it to his wife.

I hadn’t even considered this, but you’re right. I’m sure there’s mutual friends that have mentioned it as people still bring it up to me from time to time.

And yes, having chatted here I’m glad she’s spoken out. I’m going to reply now with the
“we were teenagers” angle and I’ll be instructing my girlfriends to never speak of it during the hen weekend.

I’d say:
Haha it was a long time ago and we were kids! Thanks for getting in touch and looking forward to the hen do! X

have to say it’s a bit weird he’s told her this; it may or may not be true but the purpose of telling her may not be noble…

Ah so he’s busy making his wife do the pick me dance now. Lucky escape!

Exactly this.

I can honestly say I never imagined I’d ever hear this from his wife. I’ve heard various musings from him via mutual friends but I’ve always just out it down to nostalgia.
it’s very strange and a little unsettling but I’m refusing to give it too much headspace aside from ensuring I reply to her in the right way x

men huh!