What should I respond to ex loves wife?

[newbalanced]

So for context. I come from a small town, the type where everyone moves away and then returns to raise family.
I left for uni and never returned, settling where I studied. I’ve since met a wonderful man, married and gone onto have children.

At 17 I fell in love with a lad & we were involved for about 5 years, getting together when home from uni etc but it was very one sided. I was infatuated but he’d pick me up and put me down where it suited. For a long time I thought we’d end up together properly but after the years of back and forth I ended things for my own sanity! No hard feelings, I’ve grown up and just see it as a learning experience which eventually led me to real love.

I return to the town to see my dearest friends but have never crossed paths with this ex. It’s been 20 years. Early Last year he moved back to town with new wife and they have become friends with one of my closest friends (we share lots of old friends ) Close friend is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. Ex’s wife is invited in the hen and we have all been added to a group chat.

Last night Exs wife messaged me privately. Said she “knew who I was” and “what I meant to Ex” and wanted it put out there so there was no weirdness.

I simply replied “Hi, nice to meet you, but I’m not quite sure what you mean” because I had no idea of her angle.

She went onto say the Ex had told her how I was once the love of his life and the one that got away.

I haven’t replied because I have no idea how to. Do I reply flippantly, no problem type thing or should I explain what it was in my eyes??

I kinda want to brush over it because it’s weird to hear this new take on my history!!!

Why would anyone would be awkward about meeting their partner’s ex from that long ago? She’s being very weird.

I’m feeling rather sorry for her. Seems he’s hardly changed.

im glad I posted here as it’s made sure I don’t romantise this whole strange scenario!

Maybe you were his idea of love. He didn't have to maturity to treat you respectfully, or commit, but I'm sure that you were a big part of his life.
I would reply cheerily to say, it was a longtime ago or something bland. I wouldn't start sharing your old feelings with her, that would be odd.

I highly doubt he said anything of the sort to her.

She knows you are an ex girlfriend and is fishing for info.

Gosh do people really talk to their partners about "the one that got away"? Sounds like a version of negging to me to make the partner feel insecure. What a shitty thing to do.

I’d say ‘Really? I had no idea, we were very young and he definitely wasn’t the love of my life! lol. Thanks for getting in touch though and looking forward to the Hen party and meeting you’

This type of chipper blandness is the best response.

Whatever role you’ve played, unbeknownst to yourself, in their marriage is not your problem.

"Did he actually say that!? Blimey!? Bit of a dick move. We were literally teenagers. No need for any awkwardness on my part! Looking forward to meeting you and having fun at the hen do x"

Honestly, if you (like me, very sadly) had a penchant for the kind of head-fucking player fuckboy who pretended relentlessly to be ‘deep’, ‘troubled’, and ‘soulful’ to disguise a simple ambition to fuck as many people as possible AND have as many of the people they’ve fucked sitting about crying going ‘but he said he’d never felt like this before / will never feel like this again’ then you know would know that yes they really do! It’s just another arrow in the quiver of lurvebombing/tormenting!

It all stems from deep insecurity and wanting to be Important to Someone, Anyone, and for my sake be glad I found a great therapist who turned angst into eye rolling exasperation!

Now with the very sensible and straightforward love of my life.

But did he actually say to her ‘the one that got away’? I’d be furious if my dh described a past relationship in this way to me, because it implies that that person would be with him instead of me had she not ‘got away’. I can’t imagine anyone saying that to their current partner. It would be very crass….,

Perfect!

I agree that nice and flippant is the way to go too. Platitudes are good.

Maybe 'Ah yes, it was all so long ago, and there's been so much water under the bridge since then - my job, my lovely husband and children, busy, busy... Amazing where life takes you, eh?'

I agree with a pp that she's sussing out the current state of play. Also agree the man is playing off current GF against the OP - sniveling little tosser...

I don’t think she means any harm, she’s just getting it out the way - I would probably laugh it off - water under the bridge. Something like ‘hahaha, childhood romance!! Looking forward to the hen, my husband is looking after my kids; will be nice to let my hair down” and you’ve then let her know you’re happily married with kids and it’s not a big deal/weird.

I like this.

Hints to her that her BF is playing games without actually saying it.

As someone who is in touch with a boyfriend from a million years ago their recollection of it can be very different to yours. From your point of view he picked you up and dropped you all the time, from his point of view he might only remember the good times because that is usually how people prefer to look back on their past.

Your relationship was 20 years ago which is a long time, not 5 years which might be the case for some people. I think she is just looking to tell you she knows who you are and that he remembers you fondly. She is looking for you to say happily married thanks.

I imagine he never thought you would be back in the same social circles so perhaps was a little too open about his feelings for you to his girlfriend who became his wife.

Exactly what I was thinking too. Negging his current wife.
Also to gain a bit of sympathy... Poor Me...Lost love kind of thing
And to illustrate that he's capable of finer meaningful feelings and is therefore a catch.. but slightly unavailable.
And possibly because he's twigged there's a new connection through mutual friends.. he wants to make the new wife jel.
or Maybe trying to suss out via friend's gossip if you've said anything about him?

My best friend had a BF just like that until she came to her senses.

If someone does bring it up OP you could always say

"Is'nt it funny how nostalgia makes some people look back with rose-tinted glasses." Tinkely laugh and change subject

I'd just say 'Wow, that was such a long time ago. We were honestly just kids back then - I guess teenagers are always a bit intense about everything, but it wasn't relationship that would ever have had a future! Appreciate you letting me know though and see you at the hen do!'

also be prepared to keep him at arms length at the wedding, especially if he has had a drink

“Haha the rear view mirror is often rather rose tinted isn’t it?!”

I would say oh wow news to me! It was a long time ago and we were so young.

Sounds like he has tried to make her feel insecure so you are doing her a favour letting her know it wasn’t exactly as he makes out.

“Oh my goodness, that was a lifetime ago! Glad that X is happy” is the best response IMO.

It should shut down any more fishing.

Last night Exs wife messaged me privately. Said she “knew who I was” and “what I meant to Ex” and wanted it put out there so there was no weirdness.

I wonder if he really said that or if she was fishing for your take on it?

Best brushed off as you have done I agree!

Actually this is even better!

Lordy I have a similar ex and speaking to mutual friends he has rewritten our relationship over 25 years. To hear his version (and worse some of his mates endorse it) we were star crossed lovers that distance and jobs kept apart including a proposal which never happened! But his wife hates me with a passion that I can sort of understand given she’s only heard that version - however it is really annoying at mutual friends’ celebrations.

So not knowing what he’s told her - or indeed what other friends have told her - fair play to her for clearing the air before the hen. Bright breezy and ‘gosh we were all so young’ is the way to go.

That’s way too negative and dramatic!