What should I respond to ex loves wife?

[newbalanced]

So for context. I come from a small town, the type where everyone moves away and then returns to raise family.
I left for uni and never returned, settling where I studied. I’ve since met a wonderful man, married and gone onto have children.

At 17 I fell in love with a lad & we were involved for about 5 years, getting together when home from uni etc but it was very one sided. I was infatuated but he’d pick me up and put me down where it suited. For a long time I thought we’d end up together properly but after the years of back and forth I ended things for my own sanity! No hard feelings, I’ve grown up and just see it as a learning experience which eventually led me to real love.

I return to the town to see my dearest friends but have never crossed paths with this ex. It’s been 20 years. Early Last year he moved back to town with new wife and they have become friends with one of my closest friends (we share lots of old friends ) Close friend is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. Ex’s wife is invited in the hen and we have all been added to a group chat.

Last night Exs wife messaged me privately. Said she “knew who I was” and “what I meant to Ex” and wanted it put out there so there was no weirdness.

I simply replied “Hi, nice to meet you, but I’m not quite sure what you mean” because I had no idea of her angle.

She went onto say the Ex had told her how I was once the love of his life and the one that got away.

I haven’t replied because I have no idea how to. Do I reply flippantly, no problem type thing or should I explain what it was in my eyes??

I kinda want to brush over it because it’s weird to hear this new take on my history!!!

my guess is that he didn't feel that way and he knows it. He's rewriting his past for some reason....

I honestly am so grateful to hear that other people have had similar experiences as I’m def the only one from my very settled uni crowd who has anything like this kind of situation and if I ever mentioned it people would as you say be like ‘oh! It’s a you and him eh?’ NO! It’s a HIM thing!

I am finding this thread so therapeutic!

You should reply "what do you mean was?" just to lean into the awkwardness. Jk jk.

God what a weird thing to text. I agree with PP - laugh it off and stress it's all blast from the past high school stuff.

What a arse to tell his wife that! He is obviously trying to keep her on edge.

He sounds like a dick...poor women!

You'll probs end up drunk and telling her the whole story anyway!

Have you replied?

Well he sounds like a prize knob. Firstly for the way he treated you, and now for manipulating historical events for whatever fucked-up reason he's doing it.

Definitely no need to go into what it was like at the time. You don;t owe her that. Bland and breezy is the way to go. Hope it all goes well at hen do and wedding.

Treat it lightly. Just reply that you and he were close once when very young, laugh about being t'he love of his life', say you don't remember it quite like that and it was a very long time ago, you've both moved on.

"sorry love he dragged me along for years & now tells his wife (you) storys that we might have been together which is completely untrue. Good luck & hope there's no awkwardness between us ❤️'

Well one thing is for sure, he's still a knob. You've had a lucky escape. I like the cheery breezy replies, with an added, my lovely husband will be looking after the kids, so looking forward to the hen do. x. Let's her know that your happily married and no threat at all.

I'd go with the 'silly teenager' route. Doesn't invite more discussion. Basically something like "ah, to be young and in love. teens and their big feelings 😅 looking forward to seeing you at the hen!"

Who in the fuck says this to their new partner about their ex partner. I know it's not the point of the post but given that he also messed you about and you'd not idea he felt this way (if indeed he did and isn't just noising up the new girl) you dodged a bullet there OP

Perfect way to make it even more awkward 😬

Yeah, my instinct is that this guy is a complete wanker and this poor woman is probably constantly on edge. She's probably terrified that if you so much as crook your finger he'll leave her.... while limiting any and all contact with any other men even just the plumber in case he thinks she's having an affair.

I'd go with the casual, "haha, we were 17 and casual, it wasn't a big deal. Looking forward to seeing you" and leave at that.

I'd be inclined to tell your mutual friend though - she could look out for this woman and see if there are other red flags and if she needs support. But that's obviously completely optional and only because wanker abusive manipulative men make my blood boil.

She’s fishing because she’s insecure. I’d go with the first poster’s response.

This happened to me OP! A relationship in which he picked me up and down like a toy and refused to ever properly commit to me, lo and behold everytime he had a girlfriend he would start calling her my name/just be super dodgy/calling me all the time (but not actually cheating) and the gf would HATE my guts even though I never ever did anything inappropriate.

I realised (like a PP) that I was just being used so that he could avoid emotional intimacy with the current gf. Mine was a typical dismissive avoidant and I became the "phantom ex" but yes its all nonsense.

I ran away too and if they actually had us again they'd probably start pining over someone else. Just a silly loop to a avoid combining emotional and physical intimacy.

I would also be bright and breezy and probably make clear he wasn't the love of your life.

Men like that literally forget bad memories and when they have space fantasise about the good as don't have to be afraid of emotional intimacy with you any more. It's totally fucked up.

I’d say ‘No worries, it was all along time ago and everyone has moved on since then.”

Or something equally neutral.

I think I’d just ignore now and not get dragged into anything. It’s very odd of her to message you in the first place!

“We were both young with a lot of growing up to do! I think most people have this kind of story in their past somewhere but honestly I never think about it anymore. Thanks for being nice about it, though!”

Ok I think this is weird AF from his wife.

My theory; you grew out of tolerating bad behaviour and emotional abuse but he didn't grow out of delivering it. He has now found a suitable match; someone who will dance to his stupid tunes. He's using you to torment her and she's allowing it to happen.

I would be so blase.

Gosh that's a blast from the past, we were teenagers! Looking forward to the hen, I think it's going to be a fun weekend. X

Perfect response

Dear exeswife

Aw that’s a cute memory … that I got away! My recollection is that we were very casual.
It was long long ago - I guess recollections may vary!

‘Thanks for reaching out, would hate for their to be awkwardness at friends hen do. I’m not sure I believe in ‘the one that got away’ - if something is meant to be it will work out - and if not then it’s a stop off on the way through to the people who are meant to be for us!

I know how important you are to friend and I’m looking forward to meeting you”

Men do do stupid shit like this though. Or some like to neg the new girlfriend with old ones

Actually yeah just been thinking about this and why should op cover up for him. I have an old flame who pulls this shit and a succession of women have hated me because of it. I tell them no he’s exaggerating but they don’t believe me. But we should all stand up to the idiots anyway.