What should I respond to ex loves wife?

[newbalanced]

So for context. I come from a small town, the type where everyone moves away and then returns to raise family.
I left for uni and never returned, settling where I studied. I’ve since met a wonderful man, married and gone onto have children.

At 17 I fell in love with a lad & we were involved for about 5 years, getting together when home from uni etc but it was very one sided. I was infatuated but he’d pick me up and put me down where it suited. For a long time I thought we’d end up together properly but after the years of back and forth I ended things for my own sanity! No hard feelings, I’ve grown up and just see it as a learning experience which eventually led me to real love.

I return to the town to see my dearest friends but have never crossed paths with this ex. It’s been 20 years. Early Last year he moved back to town with new wife and they have become friends with one of my closest friends (we share lots of old friends ) Close friend is getting married and I’m a bridesmaid. Ex’s wife is invited in the hen and we have all been added to a group chat.

Last night Exs wife messaged me privately. Said she “knew who I was” and “what I meant to Ex” and wanted it put out there so there was no weirdness.

I simply replied “Hi, nice to meet you, but I’m not quite sure what you mean” because I had no idea of her angle.

She went onto say the Ex had told her how I was once the love of his life and the one that got away.

I haven’t replied because I have no idea how to. Do I reply flippantly, no problem type thing or should I explain what it was in my eyes??

I kinda want to brush over it because it’s weird to hear this new take on my history!!!

Sorry, I think I get what you mean. I just don’t get why you would though. You know the truth.

I had similar in I had an ex that I was way more into and he’d pick me up and drop me and if I ever heard he’d said I was the one that got away theres no way I’d be romanticising and wondering ‘what if he rally felt that?’

Because I know there was no way he thought that. Sounds like you’re as sure as I am that that wasn’t his reality so just remember that and laugh to yourself.

I think the response you said you were going with was a good one.

He’s still not nice - he’s making sure his wife knows she is not the love of his life .

the reply you say you are going to use was a good one - though I think I’d want to make sure it was obvious he didn’t treat you well and that you’ve got no interest in him .

If what she says is true (ie he said that to her) then he's a nasty piece of work! Imagine being married to a man who tells you that another woman was the love of his life? Why would he say such an unkind thing to his wife unless it was to hurt her / keep her feeling grateful he married her as second best? Pig.

OP, you missed your big chance to quote the Queen.

"Recollections may vary" would have fit this perfectly.

I doubt he is being honest although you are probably a lovely person, because if you had been the love of his life, he would have chased you a teeny bit.
Instead, 20 years on you are his excuse to keep his wife feeling insecure.
He's still playing at not committing to whichever woman is fool enough to have him in their life.

I wouldn't say this as it sounds like you still have feelings for him and don't want reminding.

It might be that she is very insecure.
Or it might be that he has (either inadvertently or deliberately) made her feel insecure. Sometimes men say dumb insensitive things… my DP talked about a friend (still a friend of his/ours) who he once had a thing for but, he says “she was out of my league”. 🙄 That comment bugged me for ages, but I’m over it now, mainly cos she makes an effort with me as she knows the ‘girl code’. So I know it’s him I should be annoyed with, not her.
Anyway, I agree with the advice about keeping it breezy. Once you’ve met each other, you’ll probably both feel much better.

"It will be so nice for him to meet the twins at last. They both have his eyes!"

:)

Or nice but bland.

This has made me laugh so hard!

Absolutely agree!

Sounds like you have sorted it, but anything further and I would say something like " ha ha teenage hormones .. all good fun, but nothing like real grown up love eh?" (and yes I know teenagers can feel real love before anyone comes at me)

But what are you going to do at the actual wedding OP? You’ll have got to know his wife at the hen-do, so will surely be obliged to be very friendly to both of them at the wedding.

With the wine flowing, I’d be so tempted to enact revenge…”Gosh, it’s so lovely to see you…it’s been so long, I can literally hardly remember anything about that childhood sweetheart-type time in my life…” etc.

Really? You like this? Because it sounds to me like a pretty appalling thing to do. Why “hint that her BF [actually her husband] is playing games”? Why insert yourself into someone else’s marriage like that? The OP has a happy marriage of her own. It would be pretty offensive to her husband to start playing games in her ex’s marriage out of some desire for a revenge she never thought she needed before this message. And it’s downright cruel to his wife, who is not responsible for whatever line he has been spinning her.

Even if the wife is exaggerating to dig for some info, there’s someone else who is affected by any drama at this hen do - someone almost everyone on this thread has forgotten. The bride presumably likes both these women enough to want them at her hen do, despite the potential awkwardness around their connection. All the posters recommending the supposedly “clever” responses designed to be one in the eye for her ex (and to create a bit of drama for us all to follow on here) don’t seem to care that ramping up the tension at a completely innocent woman’s hen do is a really quite shitty thing to do.

As much as I prefer to avoid the “first post nails it” cliche, in this case it really did. A calm, sensible suggestion designed to minimise tension for everyone.

My post was supposed to quote this particular piece of vitriol…

Why? Who uses someone else’s wedding to create their own mini-drama?

There are dozens of people at most weddings. OP probably won’t necessarily get much time with the people she does want to speak to; never mind going out of her way to show everyone just how over her ex she is.

Wouldn’t it be better to just say nothing at all. Lack of any kind of interest sends a bigger message than engagement.

Completely agree with you. That ‘dick move’ comment would be a really strange to send to a woman the Op doesn’t even know.

Surely the best option of all is a polite “Hello Tony - been years! Hello again Jane - recovered from the hen do yet? Haha! Doesn’t Sarah look beautiful?” And then OP can talk to the many other people she knows there instead.

Well that goes under the ‘nothing at all’ as in not referencing the past situation.

I should have probably said I don’t mean not talking at all.

Well according to another thread if a women thinks a man is cheating he is cheating so she probably thinks you are both having an affair?

But say you have moved on and do so

I would have said that, that ‘I’m surprised he said that to you given he wasn’t that keen when we were together on and off. Anyway, it’s all in the past, looking forward to the hen do’.

I see message has been sent and she won’t mention it again hopefully.

I really resent people even attempting to involve me in their silly relationship issues. This is an overstep and it's hard to imagine why anyone would think sending that message a good idea.

Why should you trouble yourself with questions of whether he's negging her, or if she's fishing for private details about the past? Who even cares if it's 'awkward?' The exes of DH's that I've met have been perfectly pleasant women and there's no need for any awkwardness of the kind. We are all adults.

If there is awkwardness now, it's only because she's created it. I'd just respond with a lighthearted quip to the tune of 'Funny! You have to wonder which distorts people's vision more: beer goggles or the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia!' And then refuse to engage any further on the subject.

Jane Austen had exactly the right idea:

Lady Catherine: 'I am almost the nearest relation he has in the world, and am entitled to know all his dearest concerns'.
Elizabeth Bennet: 'But you are not entitled to know mine; nor will such behaviour as this ever induce me to be explicit!'😄

If there is awkwardness now, it's only because she's created it. I'd just respond with a lighthearted quip to the tune of 'Funny! You have to wonder which distorts people's vision more: beer goggles or the rose-tinted glasses of nostalgia!' And then refuse to engage any further on the subject.

Why? Just to make a point? In the vain hope it would make you appear clever, or to “really show him”?

A simple “Honestly, no need to feel awkward - it was all over years ago” is all that’s needed here. Unless you enjoy drama.

No. To break the ice and diffuse the situation, at the same time closing down further discussion of the subject.

Humour is just once of the tools which might be used to do that.

'Drama' is evidently a word in your language. It's also, in Mumsnet parlance, a word used to close down what women say when that happens to be something other women dislike.

It isn't a word in mine.

😆😆😆

Ahahaha I've got an ex like this. When I heard something similar to this from his wife at an old uni friend's wedding I nearly spat my drink out, because it was news to me! He never gave any indication of feeling that way about me at the time! Similar age too, first uni boyfriend.

I'm guessing your ex might have been similar OP, possibly too young/immature to commit at the time and did the whole "don't know what you've got til it's gone" thing.

I think I just brushed it off and said it was a long time ago and we were still kids really, young, dumb and having fun!

He went through a phase of occasionally hitting up my DMs when he'd had a drink and saying silly things, I think they might have gone through a rough patch and I would always tell him to wheesht, count his blessings and focus on what was in front of him. Hopefully, you won't get any of that nonsense!