To feel totally betrayed by my Maid of Honour

[FromMissToMrs]

Have name changed for this because don't want this linked to me in real life.

Wedding situation that I don't know how to handle at all.

Firstly would like to start with saying I got married on Saturday & had the most amazing day. My husband & I felt so lucky, we had so much fun & our friends & family were great so we aren't going to let this situation take away from that but we aren't sure how to handle the situation going forward either.

So here's my AIBU to feel completely let down & hurt by my MOH.

She was distant the whole day, didn't have formal photos with her because I couldn't find her, she didn't dance with me, she didn't chat to any other guests, she wore the same shoes as me, didn't pick any of the ones I'd suggested - now all these things were annoying but I could cope however the two bigger things are

1. Her & her partner left really early
2. They snuck up to the bridal suite & had sex during the reception - not in the bedroom thankfully but in another part of the suite.

It's left a horrible feeling about our friendship & I feel like she's acted completely inappropriately. Neither her or her partner drink, so no blaming alcohol for her behaviour.

I feel so blessed to have had an amazing day & I'm excited to spend a life with my husband. Off on our honeymoon shortly & just wanted to vent about this first so I don't think about it at all going forward.

She hasn't been in touch with me since the day, didn't speak to my husband at all on the day, so my current plan is to just not contact her at all & see how I feel when she next messages me. Not sure if that's right or not.

Yep this is a very wild and weird speculation

Why are people bending over backwards to excuse MOH. What kind of justification is her ttc. Would you do that in someone else’s wedding suite if you were ttc?

Oooh you mentioning the partner being harsh to your MOH, do you think he could have planned the things that would piss you off and push her to do it (the shoes, the sex, the not bonding with you on the day, being hard to find, etc.) as an isolation tactic. As in, he's abusive and he's trying to isolate her from you, making you angry with her so he can say "see, she's not good to you, bla bla bla"?

It seems like he's the only potential changing factor in her. Maybe when things have settled for you, you can reach out to her and go for coffee just the 2 of you and ask why these things happened and try and suss out her boyfriend's vibe from it?

@anotherside whilst I totally agree- so many women do indeed go along with shit from partners to ‘keep the peace/keep em happy’ even when it pisses off others they have far more history with. I’m 63 and have known women ditch friends, lessen family relationships, quit jobs - all to keep Rob happy who they have known 4 months- sometimes women really are their own worst enemies

The shoe reason is ridiculous.
Sex in the honeymoon suite. That is a crime imo.
The odd moods at the wedding? She had enough, the friendship is over, she probably had sex in your room as a "fuck you".
Congratulations on your wedding day.

Idk why you're getting a hard time. It's totally normal to specify shoes.

I don’t think I’d be bothered by 90% of what the OP has listed.

OP has said they didn’t shag on the bed but on the sofa. It’s the bridal suite - I guarantee many, many people have shagged on the sofa before 😂 And without being crass, it’s not as if they left it dirty.

I’m honestly a bit bemused why anyone would care that their friend had slipped off for a sneaky shag with their partner.

I can’t imagine caring about the shoes - you can’t normally really see the shoes and even if you do, the dresses are so beautiful you’re not going to notice.

Leaving early/not dancing - weddings can be exhausting. There are usually plenty of other people there and bride/grooms usually spend all their time circulating. If the MOH was tired/not feeling great, I don’t think that is an issue.

But refusing to be in the photos….oof. That’s a big fuck you. Bear in mind I’m autistic myself and absolutely HATE wedding photos. Really really detest them. But you can’t duck out of the photos if you’re a MOH.

I’m going to assume the photos were obvious OP? And they didn’t drag on? I went to a wedding recently where the photos went on for FOUR HOURS!!!! Lovely, wonderful couple but the photos!!!! Four hours. Might actually have been a bit longer. It was a huge site with lots of beautiful spots so if there had been a MOH (there wasn’t), I could well imagine they wouldn’t have found her due to the size of the site and the extended time the photos took.

It couldn’t possibly be anything like that OP?

Also, how do you know she didn’t chat to any of the other guests? If you say you couldn’t find her, how do you know what she was doing?

I don’t think you sound like a Bridezilla but other than the photos, I’m not sure I’d be upset.

Normally a gift is presented to the bridesmaids/MOH during the speeches - did that happen? How was she during that?

Go and enjoy your honeymoon, and when you’re back I might be inclined to send a brief, breezy text to say you’re home - and see what she says.

Congrats on your wedding.

She wasn’t wearing silver shoes 🙄. The OP just mentioned that her only request was not to wear silver shoes or add a sparkly belt which considering brides get to choose bridesmaids outfits is a small request.

Have a lovely time. And check in on your MoH when you get back, something is giving me bad vibes and I feel confident it is because of her partner

I’d message her. She’s your best friend, it will be the only thing you can think about and will overshadow your honeymoon.

Your husband is being weird and ridiculous. Why is he so bothered? I’d be more concerned about that in all honesty.

Just message her and say thanks for being there and all her help with the wedding and that you can’t wait to catch up when you get home from honeymoon.

Forget shoes and shagging and drama. The fact she actually begged someone not to tell you because you’d be “fucking furious” and that so called friend went and stirred the shit anyway, proves you are all very drama prone. Time to grow up and know what’s important in life and friendships.

I've voted "YABU" because "totally betrayed" is complete overkill - I came on the thread expecting to read that she'd run off with your husband or punched your mum!

At the end of the day she left a bit early and she had a shag with her partner in your hotel room, which you wouldn't have even known about if not for your other shit-stirring friend. Annoying, but hardly a friendship-breaking betrayal.

Just dismiss her as a petty twat who wanted to ruin your enjoyment of your day.

Fuck her and her partner.

Block and delete them both.

Me neither!

OP - you sound lovely to me. Some weird, weird projecting going on with people calling you a Bridezilla on no evidence that I can see.

Apart from anything else (and it's a big, humungous anything else, isn't it? 😮) what would upset me is that she didn't fulfill her role on the day. Bridesmaids are supposed to be just that - maids to the bride, and MOH is the head bridesmaid.

My old mum way back in the 70s and 80s used to come back from weddings surprised about the way that the bridesmaids seemed so obsessed with themselves and didn't do their job - which is helping the bride in every possible way.

I'm in a small choir which sings at weddings and now I'm older myself, I can see what she was on about! Sometimes as many as 10 bridesmaids troop in. all simpering, and the poor bride is still left trying to manage her own train, bouquet, veil getting to the front etc. Remember how brilliant Pippa Middleton was at the royal wedding?? She sorted Catherine's train, took the little flower girls'/boy's hands, chatted to them, calmed them down, and basically focused on supporting the bride. Kudos to her - that's how it should be done.

I'd be very cool with this woman just for abdicating her duty on the day - never mind the rest!

Me too. He’s new on the scene and could have influenced her behaviour on the day ( which was appalling).

I know. I honestly think some people like to say something is black when it is obviously white. They make up their own scenarios. Some people just come on for a fight and not to help.

I was wondering with the rest of it was their something going on in her own life that had her distracted and she was just doing her best to get through the day for your sake, til I came to the sex part when I thought 'well she's a cow!'. Then I read that the partner is new and she knew you d be furious and am wondering is everything really OK there? Could she have been pressured into the sex, is she on edge having him around, could he be controlling?
I'd just leave it and keep and eye on things, seems on that she'd suddenly have had such a personality transplant on your big day, I'd be a bit wary of this relationship

Congrats @FromMissToMrs !

In my experience wedding parties are where friendships go to die. Not sure why that is (and not in all cases to all the “me and my bridesmaids are still friends after 50 years”) but there seems to be a very large contingent of friends who never speak again or turn the corner to drift away after a wedding.

I think you have the right attitude here. Wait to see what she does/says but don’t put a lot of effort into engaging with her.

Have a fantastic honeymoon and deal with it when you return.

Based on what the OP has posted I hardly think she can be accused of being a 'massive Bridezilla'.

You sound very judgey - are you the MOH by any chance?

I agree with PP suggesting that if this out of character it might be the new BF exerting control and trying to isolate her.

In your place I would be absolutely furious with MUA friend. She had information she knew would shock and upset you and take some of the shine off your wedding day but she went ahead and told you anyway. Why couldn’t she have kept her big gob shut for 24 hours or even better, until after the honeymoon? That was unkind & inconsiderate. Sounds like being at the centre of a drama was more important to her than your happiness.

I hope you have a wonderful honeymoon and return relaxed and refreshed.

This is what you’re doing right before your honeymoon…. Posting angrily on mumsnet?

goodness that’s a bit depressing!

I'll reiterate - i can't imagine giving this headspace when the MoH had sex in the bridal suite which was unlocked so that elderly relatives could sit in it

Sounds like the new partner is a bit of a controlling prick, shame it had an impact on your day, she may well feel pretty shitty about it too when she looks back.

I unfortunately had one of these, he got really jealous of my friends and made us go home early, not even staying in the hotel I had booked, actually travelling home.

Did something happen between you that you were unaware of? Not accusing you of anything, but did you make any comments to her in the heat of the moment related to your wedding that may have rubbed her up the wrong way? I.e. commenting on her body, clothes size or telling her she was 3rd choice for anything?

I ask because my friend was a complete bitch to me when I was her bridesmaid (never apologised), which made me do the bare minimum. She went full bridezilla, forgot my birthday that occured the same weekend as her hen do, and other unfriendly, Bridezilla behaviour.

We are no longer in contact, and she wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid for my wedding, because yeah.

Comments like yours are more depressing.

It does not take a genius to understand why someone would feel sad and confused by such out-of-character, unfriendly, and frankly rude behaviour from a close friend, especially on such a significant occasion.

The OP has every right to feel hurt and disappointed. Good friends simply do not behave like this. Even if the maid of honour was upset about something, it takes someone very low to act the way she did.

One more thought, OP. Around major life events such as weddings, the arrival of a baby, starting a new job, graduation, or even bereavement, people who normally seem stable and reasonable can sometimes act in completely unexpected and even destructive ways. It is not uncommon.

It could be something to do with the new man in her life, a build-up of frustration with your hen party and wedding, or possibly even jealousy. I would suggest giving her a chance to explain herself after your honeymoon. That said, she behaved very poorly on your special day, and it will not be easy to move past. Rebuilding trust after something like this is incredibly difficult.

If it were me, I would send a message saying something like, "Let me know if you would like to talk once I am back." If she does not respond, take that as your answer and celebrate your new beginning. Sometimes that means letting go of things, and people, that no longer belong in your life.

Yes, this reminds me of a friend's MOH inviting her mum and mum's friend to a wedding reception cos the bride had been so horrid to her in the run up!