To let DD leave 6th form to work in a pub!

[tralalaa1225]

DD struggled at school, we had a lot going on at home and she only just about scraped through GGSEs. It was bloody hard work keeping her on track and she barely did any revision. However her love of Drama won her a scholarship at a local private school and I was really hoping focusing on fewer subjects would re ignite some passion for her subjects.

She is now in lower 6th and tbh I’m sick of the battles trying to get her engege with the courses. Even Drama no longer holds any interest for her. She has a part time job at our local pub which she shows much more motivation for but we have regular arguments over the hours she works. Both me, her Dad and school have raised concerns about the job impacting on her school work but she takes no notice.

I know fundamentally she wants to leave 6th form, she feels a failure academically and much more of a success in her job. TBH I am sick of the battles and am on the cusp of giving her the ok to leave. Feels such a failure though and that she would ultimately regret walking away.
My other worry is that she has failed Maths GCSE twice now and says the recent 3rd attempt wasn’t any better. What happens then with applying for jobs without Maths?

I have been called into school several times by concerned teachers who are doing their best to support her but at 17 it seems utterly ridiculous

Do I just stand back and let her make this huge decision or keep persevering with school?

In fairness, working your way up through the pubs can give you a great career. Some companies, like wetherspoons, used to offer amazing opportunities, training etc.

It's not just pulling pints, it's stock management, cash management, staff management, customer services, advertising.

Get the gcse in maths as your deal breaker as that will probably be required in the future but under a good management team and the willingness to learn in on the job training, she could do really well.

If she quits school then make it a condition that she needs to pay some of the scholarship back as actions have consequences.

If the pub are letting her work that many hours already then they may be breaking rules about working hours.

also I’ve known some pub jobs who are zero hours and then they don’t get hours when they turn 18 and need to be paid more

Correct

I have a degree and a PHD in a STEM subject, I'm very academic, but not business savvy at all, and not good with people, so I have never earned more than £43k. I live in the North, so it's been fine, DH (highest earning £63k, environmental engineer) and I, live in a nice 4-bedroom house etc. I could earn more if I moved to London and/or worked in finance but I'm happy here. Just making a point that getting lots of academic qualifications doesn't automatically give you megabucks. Your daughter will earn similar to me eventually I would guess, managing a large pub or something.

And of all my friends, the one who earned the most, left school at 18 after failing her A-levels, didn't go to uni. She got an entry level job in insurance, moved to the city, worked her way up, ran her own business alongside and retired in her early fifties a multi-millionaire.

I honestly think the pay for graduate jobs has eroded away over the years, especially now that we're awash with graduates, so there's not a huge difference between graduate and non-graduate jobs any more.

Let her do what she likes OP . Be prepared to be blamed by her for you allowing her to ruin her life . That's the way it goes unfortunately 🙄

In the sixth form at BRIT they concentrate on their specialist strand and don’t generally have to study maths, English, science etc. Same as with any sixth form study. Exceptions are where they are retaking English or Maths GCSEs. They used to do the BTEC extended level 3 diploma in their chosen specialty, which is equivalent of 3 A levels but that doesn’t exist anymore so they do an equivalent but not sure exactly what. There is also the option to study for an A level alongside the main qualification, but this is only possible if you have a 7 or above at GCSE as it’s a heavy workload.

OP, I don’t know if you considered BRIT for your DD as she is obviously very talented at drama. I think this years application round is finished but she could consider applying for 2026 entry. It’s state but not sure how funding works with her being a bit older. I’m sure the BRIT admissions people could help with that.

DD left BRIT 6 years ago so I’m not completely up to date but I don’t think too much has changed.

Plenty of 16/17 year olds are not in education, no one even follows it up.

If they are not though, you are not meant to be claiming child benefit - another thing she might have to contribute to.

Yes you should it’s her life, I was the exact same, no amount of support or guidance would have made me be able to focus at that age! I loved bar work and thrived, went to uni when I was much older! It’s not ideal but not everyone can follow the same path

@MaryGreenhill That’s why the OP needs to talk to her about her long term goals and how she’s going to achieve them. At this age, they need to take some responsibility for their futures. If, for example, she wants to work in hospitality management and will need a Maths qualification to do this, she needs to face this and figure out how to achieve it.

That’s our approach anyway. DH and I aren’t going to be blamed for all our kids’ choices!

Wow!!

I personally would say if she wants to work in the pub full time, she needs to be dead serious about wanting a career in hospitality.

If she can move up to management she could have a decent career path. Is the pub part of a chain or brewery?
Do they do any training for staff to help them move up? If she's talented and passionate about hospitality then I'd let her give it a go.

Lots of people in that sector do start young. She could be managing a pub or venue by her early 20s. I know plenty of people like that.

I would let her but position it as a break to figure out the right direction before she completely burns out. I would focus on getting her an ADHD diagnosis or at least assessment and then let her deal with that or if it's not that then whatever comes from the conversations. There's so much more you can do if you've had the opportunity to explore work before going into higher education. There's also so much more support both in the workplace and education if you have a diagnosis.
I didn't get diagnosed till I was in my 30s and it was because I hit rock bottom from burnout. If you're seeing that she's just keeping her head above water, supporting her to recover needs to be priority and everything else come second. I wish I'd known that much earlier.

Some people should be aware of how they come across to parents reading these threads who have children who struggle academically. Does that mean my child has no future and is destined for a terrible life. I came from an extremely hard working family who hadn’t been to uni and lived in council houses, our lives were full of love and fun. Yes life’s hard and easier with money and being educated but making out it’s the be all and end all is really sad. To the poster who suggested driving about social housing to show her her future, what a disgusting attitude!

Exactly @BobbyBiscuits. Plus, they need to have a serious conversation about the scholarship funding. Her DD wanted to attend this school, the OP didn’t make her, and it would be so unfair if the OP is obliged to pay the scholarship. It’s possible that her DD doesn’t realize that this could happen if she leaves now.

I think you should let her. My son was offered full time at his part time job while he was struggling with A levels. He never looked back.

i think that you are blinded that it is in a pub and not the best choice for a career. Hospitality is a growing industry and could lead
to lots of opportunities. She is young and has a world of choice ahead of her with regard to training and work. Let her have her way with this and see if you can guide her down the apprenticeship route.

She needs to pay back the scholarship from her wages. Another child who would benefit from the school place will be pleased for the opportunity.

Interesting I read your OP and I immediately went to ADHD. I have it and school was torture for me. One of the best days of my life was the day I left school and knew I'd never have to go back again.

I did go to college but it was a much more relaxed atmosphere with far more autonomy.

Lots of social housing is really good quality these days with long waiting lists. It's also affordable and out of reach for a lot of people who don't qualify for it.

I'm a fan of the tough love approach. She's done really well to get a scholarship to a school that should give her a huge opportunity and the facilities to learn drama to a high standard. She is taking the piss and wasting an opportunity that another child would have been thrilled to exploit.

If she leaves or is invited to leave when her summer exam results come in - then in the first instance I'd be laying down some ground rules. Market rent for one, paying back the scholarship on top. Life is not a free ride. £1200 must feel like a lot of cash when everything in your life is free.

As it's a private school, have you approached them about having her assessed for ADHD? There's some basic testing they can do and she could be independently assessed. Most provide a decent SEN team though who could support her with study techniques etc. There's also the option of medication if she has a diagnosis which could give her some focus. It's been life changing for a friends child. She has a low dose of Ritalin or something similar with breakfast on a school day and it gets her through to early afternoon before the focus starts to wear off.

What's the advantage to her taking an apprenticeship ( at slave wages) rather than being paid to do a job she's obviously good at and enjoys?

It's a tough one. Letting her stay on to fail miserably may reinforce an opinion of failure, whereas leaving halfway through is a different outcome; she hasn't failed, but instead chose to leave.

I did the same at 17, left college, and went into the world of work, fell into self-employment, then into a relatively well-paid office job 10 years later. I also failed maths 26 years ago. Thankfully, no job has required it, but I redid my maths GCSE a few years ago as I could get the course for free. My whole attitude to learning is chalk and cheese compared to what a 15/16-year-old me would and did do. And that only sometimes comes with experience and age, sadly

Personally, I'd push her more to complete her two years at college/sixth, Bar jobs are going to be around a lot longer than free education.

Could she go to college and do a hospitality nvq if she has an interest in that area. It’s a very practical based qualification and she could use her work as her placement experience if she wants to

It’ll increase dramatically if she joins Wetherspoons, shows how good she is and ends up as MD in her thirties. Much less emphasis on academic qualifications in hospitality, much more on graft and personality.

Is your daughter studying for her A levels? If she scraped through her GCSE'S, then A levels are much more difficult. Would a Vocational qualification be better? Not everyone is academic, and some youngsters thrive studying Vocational qualifications. If she enjoys her work in the pub, what about a Hospitality Vocational qualification? A local college may be more suitable, rather than 6th Form. I am sure there's something out there for her.

I think teens are expected to make future-shaping decisions when they are simply too young to understand the implications. Their brain and cognition isn't fully developed and they've hardly any experience of 'real life'.
I'd be inclined to allow her a 'gap year'. She's clearly not lazy and is a hard worker in the right environment. Let her build up a few quid but get her to realise that if there is something she wants to study/qualify for, she will need to make a decision within the year so she can take advantage of free education. There's also the option of part time courses at a college.