Is 46 too old for a baby?

[Thebirdsang]

I never thought I'd be starting a thread like this. I'm 46, and have been long time single and really had accepted that despite a yearning to be a mother for much of my adult life, that my ship had sailed as I'd never met the right person.

Until that is that I met my absolute soulmate. Totally unexpectedly. Recently talk has been had about babies, mostly from him. I've kind of brushed it off, because I'm too old. Or am I?

We are financially stable, have good jobs, homes etc. I guess that comes with being older. But is it too risky? Is it unkind on the child? Is society just too prejudiced?

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

My partner is a couple of years younger if that makes a difference.

Thank you for your opinions! I'm very torn.

Am I being unreasonable to consider trying for a baby at 46?

I'll be honest - I wouldn't do it personally. My dad had me at 46, we lost him six months ago at 83.

Most parents of people in their mid-late thirties are not even 70 yet. I would have like a few more years with him and for him to have known the grandchildren a bit longer, maybe even helped out with them a bit more, but he wasn't really able.

And then there was the added worry of caring for him while I still had young children of my own. I would have like for my kids to have grown up and left home by the time I had to turn my attentions to caring for an elderly parent.

In contrast, DH's parents are both still only 67, he is 40. They are very involved with the kids and we will hopefully have a good while left with them.

I think that sometimes people don't look long term enough so I just wanted to put that perspective out there.

Yes, we very much accepted before we started that children might not happen. We decided not to go for IVF but said we would just see how things happened naturally.

My obs consultant said that she would support me if I wanted to try for a third baby at 48, but we felt we were done at that point!

We do also have friends who chose to adopt as older parents.

There’s no way on earth I’d start trying for a baby at 46. Do you want to be 60 and wrangling a teen?

It’s not a particularly popular opinion but I think having babies late like this is selfish. I know terrible things can happen if you have them younger too, but statistically it’s less likely.

I’m 46, have one DS20. I wouldn’t try for a second DC now but that’s very different circumstances to yourself. Honestly if I didn’t have DS and felt confident in my health I’d absolutely give it a go and see what happens. Good luck on your journey

I'd give it a go but set a time limit and decide what you'll do if no baby by then. You're only planning one, it sounds pretty manageable if you're successful.

I’m 41 and just had my 4th baby I am coping perfectly well just as I did when I had my first in my late 20s. If you don’t feel too old you’re not too old I’m only 5 years younger than you and it’s never crossed my mind I’m too old. My sister was 44 when she had my niece and she’s doing fine too. You do you and let others do them.

I’m sorry Op but yes for me that would be too old. I’m an early 80’s baby and had the eldest parents in the entire school, they were 33 and 32 at the time. My mum was healthy and happy at that time, loving life, but her health deteriorated very suddenly and unexpectedly in her 40’s and she died at 60. As awful and selfish as it sounds, I wasn’t ready to lose her. It seemed like everyone else had loving grandparents but me, mine were long gone. Spent the majority of my youth visiting care homes and with both parents napping!
Extreme examples perhaps but that’s my experience.

Sadly, yes.
It’s not good to be the oldest parent at the school gates. Menopause issues will kick in. Nearing retirement you’ll still be running around all over the place.
You’ll be an elderly Grandparent.
We all like to think we’ll be fit & active in our 60s & 70s but nothing is guaranteed.

I had my only child at 40 and before that would have said “go for it”. Except DS is profoundly autistic, dyspraxic, ADHD, sensory processing disorder etc. All things that are linked to parental age (not just maternal age). I spent the toddler years sewing DS into onesies overnight to stop him smearing shit everywhere, he's in a specialist school and will probably never live independently. Enjoy your blessed child free life and never look back!

There is almost no way that Victoria Coren Mitchell didn't use donor eggs. I do wish these older celebrities who miraculously produce babies in their late 40s and 50s would be honest about that. Quite clearly it's no one else's business and there are the children to consider, but it gives the impression that pregnancies at this age are often successful when the opposite is the case. Certainly when I was 34 and started trying I had literally no idea that fertility dropped so much from your mid 30s.

I would say give it a try. I don't think it matters too much with age, the only concern would be how healthy the child would be as sadly that decreases the older you are.
I am a young mum, 19 when I had my first. It's tiring at any age. My daughters best friends dad is in his late 60s and retired. He's not massively hands on but who's to say he would have been when he was younger - he does have older children (second family). Some people die young some live to 100 there's no telling on how long you get with parents.
I yearned for children and I know if I had got to my 40s without them I would still give it a shot. All the best.

I will be 46 in a few months and I have a 3 year old. I've found the experience of being an older parent fine and not especially tiring, but I've never had high sleep needs and DH is very hands on. No fertility treatment and an easy pregnancy and elcs.

Personally if it were me I'd maybe ttc and see how it goes without interventions. I decided that we wouldn't try IVF as the chances of success are not very high for over 40s and it felt like a waste of money. To have a realistic chance of success you need to use donor eggs and that's not something I would have considered, because having a genetic link to my dcs is important to me.

Sorry about the miscarriages which can happen at any age. You have a lovely story there which I hope the OP will take comfort from. My auntie was 47 when she had her third child. She went on to happily care for 2 grandchildren to allow her daughter to work part time. There are women in their 60s & 70s who appear like they're in their 80s or 90s. They can also be as fit & active as women in their 40s. You can't put everything down to age when everyone is different.

I’d say yes it’s too old as a first time mum.
im 39 and my eldest is 14, my baby is 6 months and I’m definitely more tired this time around, and notice I’m older than most other mums at baby groups. My partner is your age and it’s his first baby; he’s finding it a lot harder than me (and he has zero caring responsibilities for her, I do
absolutely everything).

I love this comment and agree wholeheartedly. My DP and I have a 20 year age gap and he was 53 when our DD was born and yes, he is tired and needs a bit more recovery time after chasing around after her (2.5 now!) but he just adores our daughter and she adores him right back!
Good luck OP! Xxx

The odds of you falling pregnant naturally for the first time at 46 and it resulting in a live pregnancy are very slim. Most of your eggs will be abnormal at 46 so even if you have regular periods it’s unlikely. On paper I don’t think age alone is necessarily an issue, but biology unfortunately generally dictates otherwise. The only people I’ve known to have a first pregnancy after 45 have had to use double donors (egg and sperm) so the baby is not biologically theirs.

I think it is way too old

I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to be raising a young child during perimenopause. It would be truly awful for my mental health, having experienced both states.

I'd speak with your GP. As never say never.

But honestly I had my youngest at 40 and that's worn me out! I'm 46 now and I think I physically couldn't now, I've just started having peri-menopause symptoms and they have aged me so bad (joint aches and tiredness etc.) you probably will have symptoms soon too as average age for starting peri-menopause beginning is 43.

Even having my youngest at 40 I am one of the older mum's and id like to still be working while she is still at University so I can help support her. It's something you need to think about.

So you were 33? So your child has one parent of a reasonable age?

I didn't meet my soulmate until I was 34 (although he'd been under my nose most of my life!!) and despite a couple of long term relationships prior I'd decided I wasn't ready for kids until later in life, so didn't have my first until 37 and second at 41. My maternity records even used the term 'geriatric' !!!!! Yeah it's sometimes hard work energy wise, but I personally feel I am in a better position financially, emotionally and experienced enough in my own life to 'parent'. Debatable as to whether we're still too immature mentally though 😂 Only you know if it feels right and if you have the support in place you need.

I'm the same age as op, and I also feel like I could cope with having a baby absolutely fine. The thing I'd be concerned with is keeping up with a child for the next 20 years and continuing to work full time. I wouldn't do it now unless I had sufficient pension and could either quit work for a good few years, or go part time and share full time parenting. The baby bit is a piece of piss!

I don’t understand how a natural process can be wrong, immoral or selfish?

If the OP gets pregnant naturally at 46, surely that’s fine?

It’s not a criminal act. It’s not even an unethical thing to do; if it was, society would have evolved to make it unthinkable, like other human taboos.

What about women who get pregnant at 46 in countries where they have no access to birth control? Are they selfish? It’s a weird argument which seems quite subjective, sexist and weird when you think about it.

OP, it’s literally a choice for you and your partner and depends on your biology and personal circumstances. All the rest is just noise.

I’m 54 and living with a horrific menopause and even more horrific cancers. I could not imagine having a child of primary school, with this life I have now. Of course you may remain fit and healthy, but think long and hard about it all.

Enjoy your lives together I say. 🌼😊

I’d say give it a go, you say you’ve always wanted to be a mum. You can only try. Would def recommend It Starts With the Egg like a PP mentioned. The supplements are great for egg and sperm quality.

as an aside, I know various people who had babies naturally in their mid forties, and one who had an accident at 49. More miscarriages, but healthy babies at the end of it