Is 46 too old for a baby?

[Thebirdsang]

I never thought I'd be starting a thread like this. I'm 46, and have been long time single and really had accepted that despite a yearning to be a mother for much of my adult life, that my ship had sailed as I'd never met the right person.

Until that is that I met my absolute soulmate. Totally unexpectedly. Recently talk has been had about babies, mostly from him. I've kind of brushed it off, because I'm too old. Or am I?

We are financially stable, have good jobs, homes etc. I guess that comes with being older. But is it too risky? Is it unkind on the child? Is society just too prejudiced?

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

My partner is a couple of years younger if that makes a difference.

Thank you for your opinions! I'm very torn.

Am I being unreasonable to consider trying for a baby at 46?

If you are now 46 - you will reach retirement age before the child is even in collage/alevels. let alone uni...

How do you plan on affording the kid after you retire?
what about the health risks, bith to you and the child?
what is something (god forbid) happens to you befoer the child reaches majority?
Would you allow the child to move out and have their own life, considering depending on how long it takes to get pregnant - you could be vergin on late 60's/early 70's before that happens - and possibly needing care? would you allow the child to leave without manipluating them into staying to care for you?

Surely the difference is that women very very rarely have their first and only at 46, naturally. The babies who are born to women of this age in the countries and cultures you are referring to are likely to be the youngest of a large family, so they are unlikely to be left all alone to deal with elderly parents and all the heartache and upheaval this can bring. And if they are orphaned, then there are likely to be older brothers and sisters left to look after them and love them.

Pension age is 67 now and will only get later. So that’s not true! And it seems irrelevant?

46 is way too old to freeze your eggs, they’d already be past their best. Don’t think any reputable clinic would do it. Most clinics advise women not to use their own eggs over the age of 43.

Blimey! What a weird fantasy about the OP refusing to allow a potential yet-unconceived child to leave home so they can be forced to be a carer!

As an aside, people saying to think about fostering or adoption; those options aren’t the consolation prize for not having your own baby. The decision to foster or adopt is a totally different one to having your own child. It’s naive to conflate the two.

Girls can naturally get pregnant in their early teens (and far more easily that women in their mid to late 40s). It doesn't mean it's a good idea! Society has evolved.

The fact you already at this stage believe you have met your 'soulmate' is the first sign that you should NOT go down this road. A child needs two responsible and able parents, committed to the child first and foremost.

Hi OP.

Congratulations on finding love!

Im a slightly older mum, I have two DC aged 3.5 and 1.5. I will be 40 in 2026. My advice would be think about the broad picture. Do you have family support to help you out when the going gets tough. Which it inevitably will unfortunately! Consider what type of job your DP has; when my DS was a baby DH worked abroad a lot and at times that was unbearably stressful especially when they were unwell. Another thing to think about is how well you manage without sleep. I am constantly tired as my DC don’t sleep very well and sometimes I feel gosh I’m too old for this. Personally I don’t feel all 40somethings are the same, some are “old” for their age and some are youthful and have lots of energy. I think to manage a baby you would have to be the latter category.

Only you know your circumstances but I would feel positive about it if you feel like you have the energy and support.

Best of luck whatever you decide

Will you ever forgive yourself if you don’t try to have the baby you and your partner want based on the opinions of a few strangers on an internet forum?

If you want a baby, go to the doctor and go to a fertility specialist, understand the chances, risks and what you can do to have the safest pregnancy possible.

Completely. I froze my eggs at 34 and the clinic I used didn’t accept women over 39 for egg freezing.

Yes it's too old. If you aren't already you will be in menopause any day now and will feel knackered and slow and shit, even on HRT it hits hard. And having babies and children is hard work, it's hard work right up till they leave home, I actually think it gets harder as they get older, not easier.

And it's not fair on the child. When they are 15 you will be at least 60, and when they are 25 you will be 80, if you are still alive. You'll almost definitely leave them without a mum by the time they are 35, which is really shit for them, plus they will be dealing with your old age and infirmity when they are having their own children, making their life really hard and stressful.

It would be utterly selfish to have a child at your age Op, sorry.

I mean it’s possible of course people do it. I think it’s too old though.

I sound harsh, but IMO it is too old yes. You would be 47 at birth, if you managed to get pregnant ASAP (and the odds are against you for falling pregnant very quickly unfortunately).

You then think through to the child's milestones and your age...

E.g.,

• When your child goes to school at 4/5yrs old, you will be 51/52yrs old.
• Secondary school for child at 11yrs, you will be 58 at least. Struggling through the teen years, exam stress, angst/hormones when you are early 60s.
• When the child is through uni and perhaps starting settling down (let's say 28) and maybe considering marriage/their own kids, they will have parents 75+ and the stress that comes with helping aging parents. It's a lot of stress.

BUT... it doesn't really matter what people think. It's your life and you only get one chance at it, so worth a shot if its something you really, truly want to do and you think its good for the resulting child.

Of course there will be people coming on here saying they got pregnant easily at 46, but the chances of conceiving naturally are tiny, so don't kid yourself there for a start.

TTC unsuccessfully will take over your whole life and send you spiralling through monthly moods of hope and gut wrenching disappointment. This is hard enough in an established relationship, in a new relationship it would be a mistake.

You need to be honest with your DP and yourself. Children for you as a couple are out of the question, sorry.

I had my 1st and only child at 48 (18 years ago) in the normal 'unassisted' way - and it's been fantastic though probably more than normally exhausting. I was rich enough to be a full-time parent (by now I'm past retirement age anyway) but not to afford extras such as nannies, private education etc, even if I'd felt so inclined.
My own mum was far too elderly to assist at all, in fact needed support herself though luckily I have active siblings. She died when my kid was 12.
Plus, partner/dad is disabled, so I was on the job 24/7 in every way for as long as it took, still am in some ways, but I now count it as one of, if not The, major strokes of luck of my life.
Conceiving took 3 years of regular unprotected sex & two miscarriages, after second of which the doctor informed me that, while I was 46 already, 'your ovaries are in perfect condition'.
Which I took to mean, no reason why this shouldn't work despite your age.
But truth was in menstrual terms I was already perimenopausal, so I didn't expect it, and I was I believed ok with that.
And when it happened, I was honestly petrified.
But it has been brilliant. Kid is fine. Me and dad are fine too.
However - over the years kid has frequently lamented being an Only, and that I am virtually geriatric now (dad is a bit younger).
He swears that though he definitely wants kids himself, no way will he leave it so late. He does not say, but he fears being 'left on his own' or with caring obligations, while still young.
So don't be under any illusions that there are no downsides. I was always by far the oldest mum in the playground/playgroup (frequently mistaken for gran) and that is isolating, even before your kid notices.
But I was very fit too, having been a dance fanatic, which is what I credit partly with being able to conceive unassisted at nearly 48.
It's really only nowadays that my bones are feeling their age!
So you know - there are always downsides. And you can balance them by being the most patient, most engaged, most un-neurotic parent possible, for which the greater perspective of age/experience/confidence can help. You're less susceptible to fashionable parenting BS, to put it bluntly.
So on balance - absolutely!
I wouldn't go through fertility treatments at this age though. Easy for me to say now, I suppose, but I was always clear I was never doing that.

And I would love to discuss the issue with your DD when she is in her 20s. Hopefully she won't have ended up a young carer like me, or have unresolved issues from losing her dad as a teenager like I have, and her mum won't have lost her mind dealing with the trauma like mine did, but honestly this attitude drives me insane. Yes, its all cuddles with daddy and giggles now but when she's 21 and doing her degree finals or trying to get a decent career started while caring for dad with dementia (or whatever) let's see how funny it all is. Much older parents, especially men in their 50s and beyond, are selfish, selfish people, and the women that have babies with them are just plain silly and I speak with some authority here!

I think this too.

Given the OP is in a newish relationship it might not be easy for them to foster.

School runs in your 60s no thanks.
Parenting till almost 70s no thanks.
Childfree no dramas and go on any holiday and be selfish yes please.

Go for it!

I say go for it. I'm a couple of years younger than you, and if I was in a serious, stable relationship, I'd definitely have another (I had my son when I was 40).

This only a question for you and your DP @Thebirdsang

Start trying straight away in the knowledge of all the risks.

Up to you. Be aware of all the risks and be prepared to put money and time to a child with some kind of disability or special needs. You cannot test for everything and risks are higher with age. But a child (with or without SEN) could be what you both want.

Only you can decide OP. Personally, I’m the same age and I think it’s too old to start now. I’ve a 7 year old.