Is 46 too old for a baby?

[Thebirdsang]

I never thought I'd be starting a thread like this. I'm 46, and have been long time single and really had accepted that despite a yearning to be a mother for much of my adult life, that my ship had sailed as I'd never met the right person.

Until that is that I met my absolute soulmate. Totally unexpectedly. Recently talk has been had about babies, mostly from him. I've kind of brushed it off, because I'm too old. Or am I?

We are financially stable, have good jobs, homes etc. I guess that comes with being older. But is it too risky? Is it unkind on the child? Is society just too prejudiced?

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

My partner is a couple of years younger if that makes a difference.

Thank you for your opinions! I'm very torn.

Am I being unreasonable to consider trying for a baby at 46?

I'd say if you are financially able to, and are in good health - go for it, hope for the best but have low expectations.

I too yearned to become a mum but met my husband only later in life; and we are still TTC 4 years later. Still on the IVF journey and unsure whether to proceed with our remaining embryos after many failures (and also our age 43/42). It is expensive and physically/emotionally draining but I'm glad we tried.

I would also recommend going abroad for treatment; it's cheaper and they also have better care/technology especially with older patients. You should get one free first consultation - perhaps do that and go from there?

Perhaps, perhaps not but what is certain is that all risks do increase with age and that, statistically, older parents are likely to share less of their child's life too. Sure, some people are very lucky and live healthily until their 90s but most don't.

You could just let nature answer this question.

Try, and see what the biological answer is.

Personally I don’t think you’re too old, you sound like you have a lot to offer as parents, and could give a child a very happy life. Good luck.

Perhaps you should just try to forget about it, get on with your happy lives together, relax...and let nature take its course. What will be will be.

I think it would be difficult to go through IVF but only you know how much (or not) you both want this.

I reckon you should do what you want rather than listening to a bunch of judgemental strangers on mumsnet!
good luck with whatever decision you make ❤️

There’s no telling how easy or difficult it will be to actually get pregnant, but if you want to be a parent, it’s not too old to become one, even if you need a bit of help.

I don’t get all this, it’s cruel to the child stuff. My dad died in his early 50s when I was in my late teens. Not because he was old, but because he got a very late stage diagnosis of cancer and died 4 weeks later. I wasn’t in anyway scarred for life just because I lost a parent young (I am NC with my mum so I basically don’t have parents, it’s like they’re both dead). It’s not something I really even think about now.

I’m 44 and could also get hit by a bus tomorrow and leave my children without a mother. Meanwhile, dh’s grandparents are well into their 90s and have seen their children live into their 60s/70s (including outliving one of them!).

There is no way to know what life will bring you, but you are certainly going to be in a better position in your mid 40s to be a parent than most people in their mid 20s. If you want to do it, I would crack on.

Deliberately tagging OP @Thebirdsang so that you see this in the 6 pages of negativity.

I had my first via ivf at roughly 40. I then wanted number 2 a lot of miscarriages via ivf and then covid came finally a lot later than planned again via ivf number 2 at 47.

I would say you will feel tired, BUT no more than other mothers who have a toddler etc.

If you are doing this don’t wait to see if it happens just go see a specialist and get things moving.

I agreed 46 is probably too old to start trying.
But I had young parents and wished they had been older. I would have preffered quality over quantity.

Go for it ! Probability of conceiving is quite low but you will never know unless you try !

Life doesn't work like that!!! All parents need to be prepared for special needs. It's not something that should be singled out for older parents.

I don’t think it is too old if you are generally in good health, not overweight etc. I think the financial bit is actually the biggest thing here though as having a child is a big added financial pressure. See what happens. I am 47 and think I would conceive easily. My dh has had the snip so not happening here but I still get all the same ovulation symptoms every month and am not suffering from peri- menopause symptoms. Had my last baby at nearly 43 and he is a delight. I also think the fact that the dad is younger is a positive.

Goodness no. The baby stage would be fine I'm sure but into teenage years you're burdening a child with the swift and inevitable need to take care of their own parents as health declines. As an only child I can confirm that burden is significant and not to be ignored. Enjoy your relationship!

Physiologically, younger <35, is definitely better but older parents can certainly have other advantages for their children.

I had my first and only a day after I turned 39. I found pregnancy tough and age was definitely a factor, even in late 30s. Partly not done it again as I don’t think my body would survive another pregnancy and birth. I also get called ‘grandma’ at nursery as all the other kids’ parents are in 20s. I love my daughter immensely and in some ways older is better (stability, maturity, life experience, no fomo) but I am acutely aware that if my child were to have kids in her 30s I will be well into my 70s by then, and it might be harder to have a hands on role, she’s also likely to be without both parents as a fairly young person. So…a lot to consider.

I had my second at 43 - conceived easily so was obviously very lucky. While the health issues are worth considering they are marked increases of what are actually quite low risks (with the exception of miscarriage, which is unfortunately very high). Risk of Downs for instance is 1 in 30 but 45, so certainly not negligible, but still relatively low. I'm very aware as an older parent I'm likely to die when my children are younger, but we have money behind us so certainly will ensure our children would never be our carers. My parents both died when I was in my 20s and while it was a very painful time, I look at friends juggling elderly parents with their own children, their own failing health and other life events and am not sure if there is ever a good time. So I would say be cautious, do your research, keep your expectations in check and decide what you think is best for you.

Personal opinion do you want to be 51 and just starting the actual hell that is school runs?
And in your 60s when you have a teenager, it may be a struggle.

Have you thought about fostering? There's a great need for Foster carers.

Maybe a bit too old, but completely up to you!

Would you consider adopting an older child? You’re most certainly not too old to adopt a 5/6 year old.

Too old for me tbh

Not too old to be a mum! I did it older.

You can get your remaining egg count and hormone levels checked with a blood test and your partner might need to get checked too as with fertility issues too often the focus is on the woman and valuable time gets wasted when the man might have a low sperm count. I certainly don't think you are too old for the parenting part you will just be "older" parents. (A little more tired and old fashioned compared to younger ones maybe but so what!) However you may be too old to actually get pregnant naturally, or stay pregnant. Also bear in mind the higher risks of health problems for child. Women can still get pregnant at 46. I started trying to get pregnant at 45. So I know all about being an older mother and succeeding to be that after a long journey. I had twins at 49 and then another baby aged 52. However I used donor eggs and tried to get pregnant with donor eggs for several years before I succeeded by which time I had spent a lot of money - but it was worth every penny to have this little family.

However there are a few things to think about. I hit menopause when my twins were toddlers which was hard however I went on HRT which helped so much. I am the oldest mother on my kids class but someone has to be (!) and there are lots of older mothers nowadays so I don't stand out too much however I do feel a little lonely sometimes as don't connect so much with the other younger parents. Another thing to think about is how your lovely relationship will change, for nothing in your life will stay the same.

You may still get pregnant naturally at 46 but are statistically unlikely to get pregnant through own eggs IVF. If you go down the route of IVF you would need to use donor eggs. If you are advised otherwise you should be wary about the clinic being above board. If you do make the decision to use donor eggs that might not be straightforward either as it did not work for me for a few years and lots of attempts. Pm me if you want a clinic recommendation

Good luck with your decision! Listen to what you want in your heart.

That’s a lovely post and really glad this has worked out for you!

This!

Also had my dd in my 40s, wouldn't change it at all. Everyone I know is just very pleased I've been able to become a mum.

Good luck OP!

Even though I understand where this comment is coming from, fostering is completely different and can’t be compared to having a baby. They’re 2 completely different decisions to make.

OP if this is what you and your DP really want then go for it asap, being young doesn’t automatically make you a good parent and your children would be lucky to be so loved.

I think there's often a difference in views between those who have had DC younger and the thought of going back the drudgery, and those of us who only had kids at a later age. For me, I personally coped fine with all the newborn sleeplessness, school runs etc. as an older parent. But now I have teens the thought is unbearable - partly as I older but also because I am "done".

Go for it OP. I had my youngest in my early 40’s. Congratulations meeting your soulmate. Good luck.

Go for it. I have friends who got pregnant at 46 and 47 naturally. My aunt had her last shortly before her 50 th birthday.