Is 46 too old for a baby?

[Thebirdsang]

I never thought I'd be starting a thread like this. I'm 46, and have been long time single and really had accepted that despite a yearning to be a mother for much of my adult life, that my ship had sailed as I'd never met the right person.

Until that is that I met my absolute soulmate. Totally unexpectedly. Recently talk has been had about babies, mostly from him. I've kind of brushed it off, because I'm too old. Or am I?

We are financially stable, have good jobs, homes etc. I guess that comes with being older. But is it too risky? Is it unkind on the child? Is society just too prejudiced?

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

My partner is a couple of years younger if that makes a difference.

Thank you for your opinions! I'm very torn.

Am I being unreasonable to consider trying for a baby at 46?

Not too old though you might struggle to get pregnant. Older eggs are more likely to have genetic issues and result in miscarriage. I would talk to a fertility specialist as soon as you can, get your and your partner’s fertility checked out. I would start considering your options now so that you’re prepared, ie donor eggs/donor sperm. It can be a lot to wrap your head around. Good luck! I had baby no 2 at 44 (own embryo created at 43 through ivf) and have no regrets. By 46 my doc said to use donor eggs. IVF is a lot to go through, doesn’t work every time (it took me 3 rounds to have success) and the chance is sadly tiny with your own eggs at that age.

Ignore the naysayers, babies are brilliant as are older mums!

I wouldn't have a baby at 46 - you would have a teenager at 60! It depends on how healthy and fit you are, your financial circumstances, whether an older dad would step up to do half the baby-related work, child care, etc.

Added to all that is the vast increase in risk of having a child with special needs, so there is all the extra work involved in that too. However, I worked with somebody who was a healthcare professional and who had all the information on risks etc. to hand, had loads of contacts in the field, and they chose to have a (very much wanted) baby at 47. Her husband was early 50s I think. She was very fit and had a very healthy lifestyle and, as far as I know, had a happy healthy child and she is happy and healthy herself.

I was nowhere near as fit and healthy at 47 as she was - I am now 64, if I had had a child at 47 they would be 17 now. I am being treated for cancer, I am exhausted all the time, there is no way I could provide a 17 year old with everything they need.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons very very carefully. Add in all the 'what ifs' . What if your child was mentally or physically disabled. What if your partner didn't step up as they should. What if your relationship broke up and you were left a single parent. What if either of both of you parents became ill.
Weigh those up against the joy of having a child together, becoming a family, all the good things.

It is a lot easier for a man - they can carry on producing children well into old age. A lot of men still consider child rearing to be a woman's job. They don't have to be pregnant and don't realise the toll pregnancy can take on the body both at the time and afterwards.

In my opinion, 46 is too old to have a child - it would definitely have been too old for me. But it is not my opinion that counts.

It is definitely not too old to adopt or foster! Lots of children lost in our care system need good homes.

It will save you the inevitable stress of fertility problems too.

At the end of the day only you and your partner can decide this. However I will share what we are going through with my FIL at the moment.

My husband and I are both in our mid 30’s and FIL had DH when he was in his 40’s so he is late 70’s now with advanced Alzheimer’s, we have 2 young kids also. My husband is his main carer and it is hard! Really really hard on not just my husband but our family and kids also.

Pregnancy is much harder also. I had my first in my 20’s but my 2nd in my 30’s and o really struggled 2nd time round.

Your chance of falling pregnant and carrying a healthy pregnancy to term is low unfortunately.

What about adoption?

You can adopt an older child, thereby reducing the age gap between OP and the child, and avoiding a high risk pregnancy. It's a reasonable suggestion.

Your poor use of language makes you sound rather vulgar, and not particularly bright.

I would just go for it and let nature take its course. Realistically the chances are that at 46 and your first baby it won’t work. But if it does then perhaps it was meant to be x

Pp said “sensible” in inverted commas, so it is not necessarily her opinion. Also that her husband died. So, bit strange to pounce on her.

I think age is (mostly) just a number. I was tired and cranky with baby twins at 35. I think I would have been even worse if I'd had them at 25. I think I would have hated being tied down and the overwhelming responsibility. I'm not going to give 45 a go, but only because I have children already! But your choice isn't having them earlier or later, it's later or never, and there is always some reason why a certain age isn't the best. If you are sure you want them, see what nature thinks!

Go for it! It may or may not happen. If it doesn't at least you won't have any what ifs.
Woman art work just had a baby at 55. Happy as a pig in shit

Stop touting adoption of an “older child” as the magic answer here, it absolutely is not.

Older children who have been in the care system are deeply traumatised and more often than not have behavioural problems due to that. There is a reason that adoption breakdown rates are so high.

I have worked in social care for many years, with children aged from 8 to 18. You need to be really fucking serious and really fucking committed going into adoption. You need to be trauma informed and know exactly what you are entering in to so that these poor kids don’t end up back in the system when you realise it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be.

Children in care are not a replacement for a couple in their honeymoon phase wanting a baby and frankly it’s insulting to those children to suggest otherwise.

I had mine at 38 and 41 (DH 2 years younger, he was my 2nd marriage, no children from 1st), I am now 53. I don't look old, I am in good health, but I definitely feel older than through my 40s when I felt really.. young.
I wouldn't underestimate energy, patience required for raising teenagers. Especially when also dealing with aging parents.

But regarding the comment about playing sports with children: neither mine nor my husband's parents played sports with us and they were young/youngish when they had us. I don't like most sports and never have, have always been bookish/arty person (and have played endless imaginary games!) but my 15 year old girl is a talented athlete playing several sports. We provide her with a loving home, support and attention, but we don't have to be everything.

i never said it would make it easier or make her younger. But for people citing risks to the baby due to having older parents (the dad too) it's a way to get around that and provide a home to a child who needs one. I realize adoption is harder these days.

Live in the moment and everyday as if it’s your last as someone once said to me in January.

43 y.o out of hospital after a serious operation according to A&E doctor but no answers why or how, I’d so hoped the periods would get the mandate from stressful serious surgery and be off. Nope woken up early hours of Saturday like a teen experiencing ovulation pain again with a period arriving nearly 3 weeks late.

Mother nature can be a cruel b—— but sometimes may smile down on us delivering what feels impossible hey. Won’t know until you at least try.

My friend had a baby at 45, I say go for it if it's what you both want!

Exactly this! "Just enjoy a child-free life" if you've ever desperately wanted a baby, but haven't been able to have one, you would never say this! My friend fell pregnant naturally at 45, to a little girl, who has no health problems. It can happen.

No do it, but go straight to docs I'd say to let them know. I've just had a baby, 38 and husband is 48, it's our second. I'm so glad we decided to have another. Go for it x

Hmmmmm I'm not sure.

I'm 38 and our 4th and final child is due in September.

My husband is 49 and although he's very fit and I consider myself extremely lucky to have met him, I'm acutely aware that my children might not have that long with him.

And that hurts my soul because they love him and he's a very good father.

And on top of that I'm not a spring chicken myself!

But I think in your position, being 46, childless and longing for a baby, I would definitely go for it!

I know two 47 year old first time mums. They both had a one and only. I don't see the problem.

Honestly, I think it’s too old and unfair on the child.

If it feels right for you and it’s what you want, I’d say go for it.

Too old, my partner's cousin had a baby kid 40's unexpected and has autism. Risks increase with age. I had mine at 21 and 28. Now 36, I definitely don't want more, too exhausting especially if you have to work and gave no family support network. Kids are 24/7. I am counting down to my 40's for some freedom.

A close friend had her first at 43, she had started TTC at 40 fell pregnant at 41 and lost the baby at 18 weeks due to chromosomal defects that hadn’t been picked up at the earlier scan.
She tried again and is a very happy mum of one, she is very financially stable and her little one gets the benefit of lots of clubs and activities, her parents have endless patience and love.
I had my first at 30 and last at 37 and energy wise I definitely noticed I was tired more with the last one (but that could be because I was also looking after the others)
There has been studies that show an increase in autism etc in older parents however our eldest has high functioning autism.
The increased likelihood of disability etc would dissuade me, however that’s easy for someone with 3 healthy children to say, if having a child has been your forever dream then you may regret not trying.