Is 46 too old for a baby?

[Thebirdsang]

I never thought I'd be starting a thread like this. I'm 46, and have been long time single and really had accepted that despite a yearning to be a mother for much of my adult life, that my ship had sailed as I'd never met the right person.

Until that is that I met my absolute soulmate. Totally unexpectedly. Recently talk has been had about babies, mostly from him. I've kind of brushed it off, because I'm too old. Or am I?

We are financially stable, have good jobs, homes etc. I guess that comes with being older. But is it too risky? Is it unkind on the child? Is society just too prejudiced?

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

My partner is a couple of years younger if that makes a difference.

Thank you for your opinions! I'm very torn.

Am I being unreasonable to consider trying for a baby at 46?

I find threads like this depressing. Probably because it addresses all my future concerns, being 54 with an almost 7 yr old. Though unplanned, my little boy is a delight. Healthy and happy. From the initial shock and dread of a pregnancy diagnosis, he turned out to be a blessing to our family. I had all the screening tests though I know this doesn’t pick up everything.

I did find the baby/toddler years much harder than when I’d had my older three children in my early 30’s.

But currently I feel quite good for my age and he’s not commented on having old parents yet though I’m sure this may happen in the near future. So many moms at school are well into their 40’s and I don’t think I look any older.

So my situation is different to you. I wouldn’t have had a baby at 47 by choice but we have a strong marriage and got through it.

If your relationship is strong and you don’t want to miss out on motherhood you could always TTC. I don’t think you can ever regret having a child but you may always regret trying.

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

I'm the same age and childless. Also still menstruating regularly and my mum didn't go through menopause until her 50s either.

I wouldn't do this. I'm healthy now but I have no idea what menopause will bring and I would not like the increased risk of a disabled child at this stage in my life.

I remember a conversation with the nurse at my old GP practice on the theme and she said in her experience the women she encountered who conceive naturally in their 40s do so more in a 'last train out of Saigon' type scenario - eg, they already had a brood of children when they were younger and in her words, 'their bodies remember what to do'. She hadn't come across women in their mid 40s conceiving naturally for the first time and carrying a pregnancy to term. Of course, that's just ONE person's experience but she had been a practice nurse for a long time.

As PP suggest, you could just come off contraception and see what happens.

It will be very tiring. My friend had her first baby at 46 1/2 and has just had her second at nearly 49.

I have just one child, born when I was 43, who was conceived the first time the idea entered my head, so it's possible. Said child is now 25 while we are nudging 70. Fortunately our child was fairly easy, but it wasn't all plain sailing because DH has had cardiac issues since he was 50.

It might happen, or not, but you need to think about it hard and quickly. At 46, I'm not sure I would have been up for it.

Yes personally I think it's too old, sorry. I had old parents (mum was 40 and dad was 44) and I was very embarrassed of them for being so old. I'm in my 40s and taking care of them.

Try. If it works then, biologically, you’re not too old.

Yes, having a baby is tiring, but I certainly didn't find it any worse than my younger counterparts in baby group. For me, I think I actually coped better with sleep deprivation when older. Obviously not everyone's experience, but good not to generalise.

What gave you the impression that I was worried about you?

You can speak of your experience and so can I.

I had my first at 41, my sister and a friend had theirs at 39 and seconds at 43.
well past the clubbing years, I had plenty of time for my child. I wouldn’t have had the necessary patience in my 20’s.
I’d say go for it. But don’t put your body through ivf.

I would say go for it. Keep healthy and do what you think is best. It may or may not happen. Personally if it happens naturally I would be happy but I wouldn’t go ivf route due to health risks as older. Those saying about health, I think is hard because health can change at any age for anyone.

Op's pension is very relevant.

She's says she has a 'good job' and she's at peak earning age, so I imagine she'll be banking on continuing to work full time whilst parenting this child, as it will be crucial to hitting the required amount of contributions before she retires. Most of us have kids when our earning power is far less, therefore missing a few years of contributions by taking a career break or part time position does not hit our finances so hard. I'm the same age as op, and my main focus rn is 'making bank' before I retire, I wouldn't want to take a hit in my contributions at this age as it'll have consequences for me later. Any career break at this age would also be career death. So if she had a child she needs to consider what she'd do if she did need to give up work for her kid, how would that affect things financially for her? I found it difficult working full-time with kids in my 20s and 30s, it gets significantly harder at this age. And what if her child has additional needs, or the old redundancies come around at work (we all know who gets the chop first).

I conceived naturally at 45 and was nudging 46 when I had my first and only. I’ve always been younger than my years and DP is younger than me. I’m v fit and active and eat well, don’t drink, smoke etc. In many ways I’m fitter than many of the younger mums I see. I know we can’t outwit our natural age but honestly I don’t think our child has had a different experience as a result of our being older. We go to gigs and do things many people
our age wouldn’t do so she’s keeping us young!

As others have said, by the time she came along, after many miscarriages, we were done with nights out and were financially secure in established careers. I’ve continued to progress in my career too and now at a much higher level than when I had DC. I am also much more patient that I ever would have been in my 20s and 30s.

Good luck with it OP there will be many on here will say it’s too old but we don’t all have the experience of meeting someone when we are young or of soaking through pregnancies. DC is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t have a single regret.

I'd go for it! I was 42 when I had my youngest and energy etc wasn't a problem. She's 18 in a few months and I'll be 60 and if she'd been an only child or just had her slightly older brother it'd be great but having 2 much older children 35 years of parenting has taken its toll.

I have zoomed to the end sorry, but just to say that someone close to me did this, adores the children, lights of her life as you would expect / hope but it has been SO hard from perspective of the parents' health issues, stamina, having dependents well into their 70s etc. Sorry to be negative.

Completely anecdotal....I got pregnant naturally at 45, it took just over a year of trying (for reference, I have two children already who I fell pregnant with pretty much first try in my early thirties). I miscarried at around 11 weeks and saw a consultant due to some complications who basically said in his experience less than 10 percent of pregnancies in women 45 and older result in a healthy baby.

This contradicted anything I had read but he said there was no reliable research and that he had been doing the job a long time and those were the realistic odds.

I definitely believe if you feel healthy and happy enough to try you should but I really think you need to be realistic about the chances of success (and prepared for the heartbreak along the way).

Not to be completely doom and gloom but we tried again immediately and used no contraception until menopause hit in my early 50s and never fell pregnant again despite that.

You asked the question 'what are my chances?' and a quick google says 2% chance of a live birth chance per year. Now this does vary based on individual fertility and so a first step would be to get it checked, you may be pleasantly surprised or you may decide it's not worth the heartache to try. As a 41 year old who fell pregnant twice in 6 months, it does happen though the pain of miscarriage is not something I'd wish on anyone and is a very real possibility post 40. Whatever you decide, good luck.

Children put a huge burden on relationships, if this is a new relationship, it will be severely tested by a baby. Factor in your age and I would say plan for great travels, retirement and adventure not getting up every 2 hours with a newborn baby, standing in the park when it rains as a tantruming toddler who doesn't want to go home and I won't even discuss teenagers...... trust me I would not entertain a baby as I hurtled towards menopause!

Go for it. Go straight to IVF and PGT-A your embryos, to save you lots of heart ache for miscarriages from un iaboe embryso as at your the majority won’t be viable. Also consider donor egg, still 100% your baby. Clinics abroad have better egg donors, are quicker cheaper and get better results,

Honestly, I think it's too old. Sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear

I recently spoke to two men in their 50s with young children. Both love their children dearly, but clearly felt quite uncomfortable about being older parents

Agreed, these threads are bizarre. I'm 63. managing to 'cope' fine with 17 year old DS, as well as a demanding full time job. We're just back from a week in the Lake District where I walked 6-7 hours up and down hills every day, almost managing to keep up with DS and DH, without my ancient joints and crumbling bones causing me any problems.

I climbed Ben Nevis aged 61 with my then 12 year old! Of which I am v proud.
Not sure I could do it again, 5 years later.
He however had another shot last summer and did it, in even worse weather, in literally half the time 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think if you can afford ivf with a doner egg it would be possible but not naturally.

I'm twenty years younger than you also with a seventeen year dc....you are doing better than me by the sounds of it 😂

Had twins at 45 and a single at 47. We both fit and healthy and kids are teens now. Longevity is on both sides - so we’re hoping to be around for grandchildren. It’s been great and I don’t have a single regret. Yes i’m sure i’m more tired but I will be gutted when they leave home. Apart from the usual sibling bickering it’s been life enhancing for us. I’ve not had nasty comments and so far I don’t think the kids feel it’s a negative to have older parents. That’s the positive. On the negative side your chances of a natural conception are small and it’ll take you a couple of years to realise. Having taken 15 years of trying we went for donor eggs and in your position I would go straight there and skip the years of unbearable disappointment.

I think you are too focussed on the idea of a ‘baby’ and forgetting what they turn into .
Appreciate at 46 you may cope if fit but they don’t stay babies for long. In 18 years assuming you get pregnant immediately you will be 58 and they will still be a handful and you will be older now and more tired and you still face either 3 years of uni or them living at home until mid twenties. Assuming they turn out delightful then fine. But if they have problems like so many these days and especially having a later born child the risk is much bigger then if really will be more stressful.
I would focus on enjoying your soulmate. Many people are in marriages with kids and don’t find that. You already have your gift. Enjoy him. Be grateful. It’s not worth the risk.

Sorry I know I sound negative but people are so unrealistic when it comes to having kids. It really is a huge sacrifice.