Is 46 too old for a baby?

[Thebirdsang]

I never thought I'd be starting a thread like this. I'm 46, and have been long time single and really had accepted that despite a yearning to be a mother for much of my adult life, that my ship had sailed as I'd never met the right person.

Until that is that I met my absolute soulmate. Totally unexpectedly. Recently talk has been had about babies, mostly from him. I've kind of brushed it off, because I'm too old. Or am I?

We are financially stable, have good jobs, homes etc. I guess that comes with being older. But is it too risky? Is it unkind on the child? Is society just too prejudiced?

What even are my chances at my age. I still have clockwork periods and my mum was mid 50's before menopause hit. However I am aware that my fertility will be greatly reduced.

My partner is a couple of years younger if that makes a difference.

Thank you for your opinions! I'm very torn.

Am I being unreasonable to consider trying for a baby at 46?

I had an unplanned natural conception at 45. The pregnancy didn't work out but not due to my age (very rare complication unrelated to genetics/parental age or any other known risk factor, just random bad luck). So it's possible that you could conceive.

But is it what you really want? My concerns during my pregnancy were both short term (e.g. sleepless nights; pressure on our relationship) and long term (financial - having potentially big costs such as uni at the same time as planning retirement; our health - what if one or both of us became ill or worse; our parents health - they are becoming increasingly dependent on us). Ultimately as soon as I knew the baby existed I would have done anything for them, and it was incredibly sad to lose them. But that doesn't mean I would now actively try for another.

If you are in a new relationship you're maybe still in the honeymoon phase. A baby can put huge pressure on relationships. Would you be prepared to go it alone if yours didn't survive the arrival of a baby?

If you get pregnant, you get pregnant.

The stats are based on a mixture of women who cannot get pregnant naturally in their mid 40s and those who are still fertile.

I got pregnant first month of trying when I was 43.

I can’t see any problem with a woman of child bearing age bearing a child, once she is fully grown and mature, and had a stable enough life to support a child.

Your relationship is the key thing. You say you have homes: have you not lived together. How long have you been together? Do you want a baby come what may, even if it means bring a single parent?

Because babies do not bring couples together, they chuck a bomb into your life and your dynamic with each other.

Wishing you all good things, whatever happens.

These threads always go the same way, including the repeated assertion that people in their 40s, 50s, 60s would not be able to "cope" with a child. OMG you'll be so tired, you won't manage a newborn, etc etc. No, that may be you, it's not everyone.

My DS was born a couple of months shy of my 46th birthday. He is now 16 and I am 61. We're just fine. "Coping with a teen" isn't rocket science (or the Olympics). I'm not worn out yet despite what some may consider my very advanced age!

Yes

PS he was conceived naturally.

OP I’m 54 and my youngest is 21. The thought of having a 7/8 year old now is too much. I’m just home from working with primary age chn and I’m shattered! You need to factor in the greater risk of SEND too.

So long as your new Mr Right absolutely IS Mr Right, then there's no harm in trying. Be sure about him. Then buy a clearblue fertility monitor.

Go for it!

I was 37 when my first was born and 41 with my second. Had the tests and turns out my risk for complications was the same as someone aged 22 so you just never know!

I have lots of friends who had babies at 45/46. One had her first at 45 having also met her soul mate late in life. She's soon-to-be 60 and one of the most upbeat and energetic people I know. I think having her DC actually kept her young or maybe she's young-at-heart.

For me, it would be. For you? Depends.

How old is your DP?
Are you both in good health?

I was 40, OH was 50. It’s tiring but the best thing we ever did. My mum died at 59 but grandparents lived till near 100. Who knows when you’ll go so don’t let that influence you! See what happens. A happy and involved parent is better than a young one with energy but no interest! You will make fabulous parents if this is what you want and they are loved.

I find this response so odd. DH is 54. DS is 9. DH plays football with (football-mad) DS pretty much every day. DH runs marathons/ ultras and is pretty fit. Fitter than a lot of 20/30 year old men! But 31 really isn't old at all. I was still gallivanting around the world at that age (before having kids in my very late 30s).

While I certainly couldn't have more children now (at 49), that's partly because I already have children who have and continue to sap most of my energy, much as I adore them. If I'd spent the first 40-odd years of my life footloose and fancy free I could totally imagine having the energy to raise a child.

Only you can decide OP but my experience was:
I got pregnant with my second at age 42 with no difficulty then had a miscarriage.
We tried again and I got pregnant pretty quickly, but at age 43 had undiagnosed pre-eclampsia and intrauterine growth retardation resulting in an emergency C-section at 32 weeks, a very low weight baby (1.2kg/2lbs) followed by NG feeding in an incubator for some months. Then, years of developmental delay (in every area of development from feeding to toileting to reading to emotional regulation), dyspraxia and ADHD. Not so profound that he could get an Education Health and Care Plan so very limited support.
That said, he is a delight, now at nearly 15 taller than I am. Despite having to go into what should have been the year above at school (but for his early birth date), he is doing ok and has plenty of friends. Funnily enough, he has found a mixed tribe: some born prem; some with ADHD, some with ASD. I would not change any of it and adore him but we were pretty lucky: some prem babies end up with severe learning difficulties and while such children are loved and live worthwhile lives, the impact on parents can be huge. So, my advice if you decide to try would be plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Oh, and very importantly, I have a high pressure, stressful job. I went about doing it and felt absolutely fine, but my 40 something body knew otherwise and my baby nearly died. Take nothing for granted and plan, plan, plan. The harsh reality is that a 40 something body is not the same as a younger one and more can go wrong. If I had my time again I would have been easier on myself and by implication, my precious cargo. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Would you consider adopting a slightly older than baby stage child?

I live in a part of the South East where I think the average age of the reception mums was around 38/40 with many nearing late 40s.

Tbh I think they seemed more young at heart and energetic and involved than some of the younger mums I met through NCT.

Personally i feel its too old and i wouldnt do it but if you do feel its right for you, go for it. My mum had my younger sister at 46. Just be prepared for being tired/menopause hitting etc. mums are all ages down at the school gates. I would say that my mum died when my younger sister was 22. Something else to think about

The problem with threads like these is people are rubbish at imagining a life other than the one they have. People without kids can't imagine life with. People who had kids at 20 and who've had their 40s and 50s to please themselves can't imagine doing it again at 45. People (like me) who had kids in their late 30s, couldn't have countenenced having kids when they were 25. I mean there is no way in hell I could have had a child in my 20s/ early 30s. I just wasn't ready. Didn't want kids. Not interested at all. Then, of course, things change...

OP - only you know the answer to your question. Trust your gut, it's usually right. And even if you do decide to go for it, nature might have different ideas (which can be true for younger women too, of course).

Hi OP, congrats on your new relationship, sounds lovely.

I say give it a go and see what happens. If you don’t you’ll always regret not trying. If it’s not meant to be, it won’t be.

That’s not to say there won’t be risks and challenges, and you do need to go in to this with your eyes open, as many others have said it’s more difficult as you get older and the risks increase.

I don’t think that means you shouldn’t try, and I say that as the child of a 43 year old mum in the early 1970s when post 40s babies were thoroughly frowned upon! My mum lost count of the number of people who had unhelpful things to say about it!

If you are able to conceive and carry the baby, then use your financial resources to help you through. Eg my mum had extra help at home when I was a baby to give her extra time to rest, was able to taxis more frequently etc. and just accept that you will be tired and you will have to give up some social time etc.

lots of people have commented on higher risks of problems with the baby, this is something you need to think about, but again it sounds as though you have resources and could get extra help if needed. To be honest these things can happen at any age, there are no guarantees. Similarly any one of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow, being a younger mum doesn’t necessarily mean you will see your child into adulthood.

my parents were 43 and 41 when I was born and they always tried really hard not to be the old parents, which made them much more fun and less strict than many of my friends parents. I was a bit embarrassed by them as a teenager but no more so than anyone else! I was in my late 40s when I lost them both and that’s been hard, but they were amazing parents and i consider myself to be lucky!

I have two teenage boys who lost two of their grandparents young, but they both remember my parents and my DH’s parents are still with us, so they have them. There are ups and downs to every situation, I hope it works out for you. Good luck!

I had my DD at 40. She’s been nothing but a delight, I haven’t struggled. I have a fair few friends who have had their children in their 40s too and are loving being parents. No horror stories here. Go for it and fingers crossed it happens naturally for you.

Both my great grandmothers had late babies one had twins at 44 the other a single baby at 44. My grandmother had babies spanning from her age 23 to 46. All of the children were healthy and the three ladies lived to between 92 and 104. Late pregnancies are not a new thing. I met a lady yesterday who had ivf twins at 47, she is a lovely, fit, happy mum with gorgeous five year olds.
Look at your options, don’t be swayed by societal “norms”. If you decide to go ahead best wishes.

Definitely not too old, go for it! You can also pay for a nipt test if your concerned about genetic conditions

I don’t think it’s too old. Lots of people have children in later life and yes you’ll get people commenting on you not being around for as much of your child’s life as those with younger parents are, but what time is actually guaranteed to us anyway? If you’re in a stable, loving relationship and can provide that for a child then why not. There are lots of things to consider as an ‘older’ mum but it wouldn’t make you any less of a parent than someone younger than you. And if fertility isn’t on your side at your age then you could look at fostering and adoption; there are so many children in need of the type of home it sounds like you can provide. Good luck OP :)

46 is absolutely not too old. I had my babies younger (under 30) and it was exhausting then. I've spoken to people in their 30s who also find it equally exhausting. It's exhausting no matter what age you are, so you mightn't worry about that per se. There are increased risks over the age of 40, such as Down's Syndrome, as the eggs age, they become more prone to gene complications. However, with support from your DH and GP, it should be possible to conceive naturally and have a healthy and happy baby(ies).

I would argue from a practical point of view, you are in the best position ever to have a baby. You are financially stable, in a loving relationship, have life experience & wisdom - all things that teen mums struggle to have. It sounds as though a baby is something you've always wanted and the pieces have fallen in to place for you at this time to have one.

I'd recommend the Conception & Pregnancy sections of the forum for the next stages.

I don’t think it’s too old. A lot of the responses on here are really nasty.

An increased risk of SEN- well I had my kids when I was early to mid twenties and both have additional needs

You'll be too tired- my dad who is late 60s is still working a labour intensive job and is fine. I know plenty of “older” folk who run marathons, cycle etc.

It could ruin your relationship- that can be said for literally every single relationship.

You’ll be old by the time they graduate/you might not be around by then- what a grim view. You never know what is round the corner, sure, but by the same logic someone who is 30 could die tomorrow by any number of reasons. Car accident, illness, an accident on holiday, an accident in work, etc etc.

If you both want a baby then you might as well try and see what happens. Set your own boundaries on how long to try for and what steps you’re willing to undergo, and what you aren’t. If it works out then fabulous, if it doesn’t then at least you knew you tried and won’t regret never giving it a go and not knowing.

You have established careers and stable finances, you’re doing better than a lot of folk who have babies!

I'm sorry you had such a hard time of it and I understand your world view given all that you've been through. You haven't asked about my own childhood and I don't feel the need to share it, but we all have experiences that inform our choices. I'm not silly and my DP is not selfish. Try to keep a lid on your snap judgements or you might come across as a bit narrow minded.

It's none of anyone's business, OP, I'd just advise you to read up on the relative risks and also be realistic that it might be unlikely to happen at all. Also think about when you and your partner might retire and if this impacts upon your plans. I well understand the desire to be a mum though.