Husband waking me up at night

[sleepchaser]

My husband, when he is off work, likes a few drinks (as do I), but whereas I will go to bed when I'm tired, he will sometimes fall asleep on the sofa, with all the lights on, and the TV still on. We are in a terraced house, and this has elicited many complaints by the neighbours, as they can hear the TV through the walls (which is definitely annoying at 2am!).

When this happens, I end up waking up at about 2am, hearing the TV is still on, find a dressing gown, go downstairs, turn everything off and come back up to bed. He then comes up at about 4am, so then I'm woken again when he gets into bed. My alarm then goes off at 6.30am for work. I work 7 days a week (self empoyed), so I never get a lie in. This is not a problem, as I love my job, and the pay is great, but it IS a problem to be woken at 2am and 4am, when I have such an early start.

At the moment, he probably only does this a couple of times a month, but he has been doing it for a very long time, also, he is on annual leave just now - he is 3 days into his leave, and it's happened 2 nights out of 3.

Last night, when I came down at 1.30am, I turned everything off, but I also tried to wake him to come up, to save a further waking later on. He didn't wake when I said his name, so I slapped his leg, and he then woke with a start. Well, he was LIVID. I went up to bed, and he quickly followed. I assumed he would get into bed as well, but he actually grabbed the duvet and pulled the whole thing off me and threw it on the floor, shouting about how livid he was. After standing there for about 30 seconds glaring at me, he picked the duvet back up from the floor and threw it over me, in such a way as my head was now completely covered. He then stormed off to the spare room, and slept there all night.

After I got up at 6.30am, he went back into the master bedroom, drew the blackout curtains and went back to sleep until he was ready to get up.

He retires in about 20 months, but I will still be working, and I am worried that this will then become a regular thing.

What do other people make of this? I know I shouldn't have slapped his leg to wake him up, but I just wanted to go back to sleep without a further waking at 4am.

I mean I wouldn’t be with someone who had so little respect for me or others

so can’t think of anything helpful to suggest other than get rid 🤷‍♀️

He is not a good man. Absolutely get rid. I could never think of a situation where my DH would do this. Time for making a plan.

What I make of it is that alcohol is more important to him than you are. That's a problem.

I found taking the duvet off me, was taking things to another level.

Well first id look and see if the TV had an eco setting so it goes off after an hour if no buttons pressed. That way he can fall asleep and the TV can switch itself off and youre not woken at 1am.
Either that or a plug timer that switches power off at 11.30pm or suitable time, again no tv left on.

I'd also be setting some rules. No coming to bed at 2am, he can sleep in the spare room if he falls asleep downstairs. If he wont, then I would.

Considering he's such a bullish prick, I'd be wondering just what he brought to my life and if its better with him in it. He doesn't seem to value your peace.

Both me and Dp had a tendency to fall asleep on the sofa, so 9 times out of 10 we're in bed at half 8ish reading or watching series on tablets together. If we fall asleep its no issue!

The TV does have a timer that you can set, so it turns off, in say, 2 hours. He forgets to set it. I did suggest that if he wakes up in the small hours then he goes to the spare room. He has done this on occasion, but things have slipped back, I guess.

He sounds very selfish, and this incident is pretty abusive.

He wakes you every night but can’t be woken himself?

I would move him to the spare room permanently until you get the divorce sorted.

Your poor neighbours.

He's a nasty ugly pig, and I bet you have been excusing his shit behaviour for years.

This is not normal behaviour.
It is abusive.

Get on to Women's aid and get advice and support.

Stop drinking with him COMPLETELY.
Get legal advice and seriously think about what your future will look like with this nasty pig at home full time.

If you have family you can stay with, pack a bag now and go away.

You need to have a huge reaction to his highly abusive behaviour.

Unfortunately you have tolerated his bullying bullshit for years and now you are here.

It only gets worse.

I really feel for your neighbours because your husband IS a scum neighbour whom you can be sure is talked about.

There's a difference between having a few drinks and drinking so much you pass out and are then abusive to your partner.
He needs to sort out his alcohol problem as well as his attitude.

He wakes you every night but can’t be woken himself?

Yes, I see what you mean!

Tell him to sleep in the spare room full time. And meanwhile start thinking of separating as who needs a grumpy man child in her life.

The duvet thing has really bothered me.

I couldn’t put up with this, I just couldn’t. Sleep is so important to our wellbeing, it needs to be prioritised.

You need to put your big girl pants on and lay down some rules. If he refuses to have consideration for your needs, then he has to know there will be consequences.

Quite honestly, I would start getting your ducks in a row.

He has apologised this morning and promises it won't happen again. But we've had this conversation many times before!

There are a number of things he could do, but he simply chooses (and that’s the important thing), not to do any of them.

To be honest I’d wake him up each time from now onwards until he starts to be more thoughtful. As for him going back to sleep, I’d be putting the radio on and clattering about in and out of the bedroom. I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but he’s being eyewateringly inconsiderate

My dh works shifts so often falls asleep downstairs, but he does everything he can to avoid waking me, even starting work earlier than he needs to, to accommodate me having a good nights sleep:

Your dh will only get worse when he retires as there will be no reason for him to go to bed on time

So it stops having any value. Its empty.

Being angry at you for his own mistakes is not okk

Get a smart plug for the tv so you can turn the tv off from your bed without getting up or set the smart plug to turn off the tv at a certain time each night.

OP my DH is pretty much incapable of staying awake after he’s eaten on an evening (not alcohol related, granted) but he falls asleep on the sofa at maybe 8/9pm every night. It would also wake me if I were to leave him there until he comes up in the early hours, so I gently wake him every evening and have him come to bed with me. Is this an option for you?

I am always considerate when I get up. Creep around etc. Yes, my fear is that he will do this more often when he doesn't have to get up for work! My next day off is in October, so no lie ins for me!

I've never heard of a smart plug?

Not really, as I go to bed around 1030pm, and he isn't asleep by then. I think he falls asleep at about midnight. I then naturally wake up at about 2am for a wee, pop my head out onto the landing, and if the TV is blaring I go down and turn it off (and all the lamps too). If he is asleep and the TV is off (if he's set the timer, which is rare), then I just leave him down there.

Agree with many other posters; he needs to sort out his realtionship with alcohol and he needs to sleep in the spare room when your bed times don't align. He needs to respect your sleep.

I see. The smart plug idea is a good one suggested by PP. If you have Alexa (possibly other smart devices work too) then you can buy multiple plugs (tv/ lamps and so on) and turn them on and off from your phone. Or you could set them to all switch off at maybe 1am before you wake, and that might solve some of the issue at least

It is a WiFi enabled plug that can control the power to an appliance.

You can get one for less than £10!

www.argos.co.uk/product/1488432?clickPR=plp:1:11&_gl=11r3hd80_upMQ.._gs*MQ..&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIt5_BkrLSjQMVCZNQBh1PxwRDEAQYAiABEgIcjvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds