Husband waking me up at night

[sleepchaser]

My husband, when he is off work, likes a few drinks (as do I), but whereas I will go to bed when I'm tired, he will sometimes fall asleep on the sofa, with all the lights on, and the TV still on. We are in a terraced house, and this has elicited many complaints by the neighbours, as they can hear the TV through the walls (which is definitely annoying at 2am!).

When this happens, I end up waking up at about 2am, hearing the TV is still on, find a dressing gown, go downstairs, turn everything off and come back up to bed. He then comes up at about 4am, so then I'm woken again when he gets into bed. My alarm then goes off at 6.30am for work. I work 7 days a week (self empoyed), so I never get a lie in. This is not a problem, as I love my job, and the pay is great, but it IS a problem to be woken at 2am and 4am, when I have such an early start.

At the moment, he probably only does this a couple of times a month, but he has been doing it for a very long time, also, he is on annual leave just now - he is 3 days into his leave, and it's happened 2 nights out of 3.

Last night, when I came down at 1.30am, I turned everything off, but I also tried to wake him to come up, to save a further waking later on. He didn't wake when I said his name, so I slapped his leg, and he then woke with a start. Well, he was LIVID. I went up to bed, and he quickly followed. I assumed he would get into bed as well, but he actually grabbed the duvet and pulled the whole thing off me and threw it on the floor, shouting about how livid he was. After standing there for about 30 seconds glaring at me, he picked the duvet back up from the floor and threw it over me, in such a way as my head was now completely covered. He then stormed off to the spare room, and slept there all night.

After I got up at 6.30am, he went back into the master bedroom, drew the blackout curtains and went back to sleep until he was ready to get up.

He retires in about 20 months, but I will still be working, and I am worried that this will then become a regular thing.

What do other people make of this? I know I shouldn't have slapped his leg to wake him up, but I just wanted to go back to sleep without a further waking at 4am.

Does he apologize to the neighbours?
Does he understand that this wakes you up often and for him it was just this once but he lost it?
What's his proposed solution?
If it's "you all live with the noise and sleeplessness forever because I'm more important" then I'm afraid I'm sitting with pp and saying this is not a man you want to live with for your retirement because that is so selfish and inconsiderate.

Google The Sunk Cost Fallacy

Ha ha this was my husband, he would fall asleep with the television and lights on. He would then come to bed and done exactly the same thing same thing as you described. Unfortunately things escalated and he tipped me out of bed one night, kicked me and threatened to kill me. Needless to say he became my ex husband fairly quickly. Fast forward 20 years and he is no longer with us, having died of alcohol related liver disease. My advice - get out, stay out.

He doesn't care about his neighbours.
They are THAT couple.
The one with the selfish pig who disturbs his neighbour.
There will be absolutely speculation as to what she sees in the selfish pig.

Sunken cost fallacy is right.

You say you have no desire for a divorce, but do you want to be loved and respected? This bloke has a drink problem. Don’t settle for better than nothing. If he won’t commit to work with you for a healthier happier lifestyle where you both support each other end the relationship.

Has he had his hearing checked so he doesn’t have to have the TV blaring in the first place.

Set the timer for a couple of hours when you go to bed.

You sleep in the spare room so he has no reason to disturb you whatsoever.

His behaviour was awful 🤬

Why you are with him? He doesn’t love you or respects you. It will only get worse.

If you definitely don’t want to leave him I agree with previous suggestions - he needs to agree to using headphones for the tv on these nights, and going to bed in the spare room BECAUSE YOUR SLEEP IS AS IMPORTANT AS HIS. If he continues to be a selfish pig, tell him you’ll reconsider your position.

Easy solution Separate rooms if he’s been drinking

OK baby you need to to the spare room or he does.

I don’t think your unreasonable for wanting a good nights sleep,
He sounds quite selfish in his actions,,,
(hopefully unintentionally)

Whilst he is being apologetic for his actions at the moment, maybe a good time for you to let it all out and tell him your concerns, he may be more understanding when he knows how much this is upsetting you.

Just to add, you shouldn’t have smacked his leg to wake him lol. (I understand why you would want to). Being startled to wake up can make someone quite moody,,, He also shouldn’t have thrown the duvet at you.

He needs to knock the alcohol on the head as it’s having a detrimental effect on others (you and your neighbours).

He should have learned his lesson after the first complaint, not turned it into a habit.

I would be worried too about an escalation and YANBU to address this now.

Well it's still happening. 2 nights ago he came to bed at 5am, and then started chatting! Gah, I am so tired.

So a selfish, lazy, rude dickhead didn't magically turn into a thoughtful, considerate, caring man - shocker. Look, you can't change his behaviour, only your own. Move into the spare room, get a smart plug, and turn the tv down before you go to bed. You really should be asking yourself why you think you deserve a man who shows you no respect or consideration.

Why did you expect anything else? He has repeatedly done this before, promises it'll never happen again, and lo and behold, here you are again. You don't want to split up, he either doesn't want to change, doesn't care, or has some sort of brain injury causing this unacceptable behaviour. Are YOU going to carry on like this? Do you have to lock yourself in the spare room?!

Of course it’s still happening. And if you keep passively accepting this, then it will keep happening.

Yes this!
I know a few who have made excuses about various things. But one being why it is okay for the husband to be disrespectful and almost purposely wake the wife, not give the same respect he wants and expects. So things like she couldn’t turn the light on when she came in to the room, and he was in bed, but he could.
He would be nasty if she disturbed him, but not the other way around.
Said to one of his children when they was a baby ‘you woke me up, now I’ll wake you’.

I hope you woke him up bright and early this morning with lots of things to chat to him about

Yes, we've sorted the TV issue out with a timer. However, if he falls asleep and then comes to bed at 5am, I am still woken up 1.5 hours before my alarm goes off.

This reminds me of a time several years ago, when I was so pissed off, that I came into the bedroom at 630am with a saucepan and wooden spoon and banged it very loudly next to his head! We were in a detached house then. Can't really do that now that we have neighbours attached! 😅

My DH if coming to bed late or whatever he will go sleep in the 2nd room. Everyone knows sleep is very easily disturbed between 1 or 2 am until 5am. Sleep is much lighter.

He is very rude but what I have learnt is that men also go through a sort of "menopause". You just need to work it out and have a heart to heart.

It's not a great routine to be honest and you won't change him, especially since he's coming up to retirement age. Could ye sleep in separate rooms I wonder? It's becoming more common now, especially among long married folk. Many find it improves their relationship

It’s really unfair on your poor neighbours. He needs to go in the spare room if he comes up late. Selfish arse.

The night my husband attacked me whilst I was pregnant started off with turning on overhead lights to "talk" to me, before ripping the duvet off me and coming back and forth to turn on the light after I had got out of bed to turn it off-this was the early hours of the morning. He was up drinking. Sounds very similar behaviour.

Most phones nowadays have Smartthings app, you pair your TV and can control it from your phone, my husband uses it, he can even reduce or mute the TV. If you have android you can use that, you don't have to wake up from your bed.