Husband waking me up at night

[sleepchaser]

My husband, when he is off work, likes a few drinks (as do I), but whereas I will go to bed when I'm tired, he will sometimes fall asleep on the sofa, with all the lights on, and the TV still on. We are in a terraced house, and this has elicited many complaints by the neighbours, as they can hear the TV through the walls (which is definitely annoying at 2am!).

When this happens, I end up waking up at about 2am, hearing the TV is still on, find a dressing gown, go downstairs, turn everything off and come back up to bed. He then comes up at about 4am, so then I'm woken again when he gets into bed. My alarm then goes off at 6.30am for work. I work 7 days a week (self empoyed), so I never get a lie in. This is not a problem, as I love my job, and the pay is great, but it IS a problem to be woken at 2am and 4am, when I have such an early start.

At the moment, he probably only does this a couple of times a month, but he has been doing it for a very long time, also, he is on annual leave just now - he is 3 days into his leave, and it's happened 2 nights out of 3.

Last night, when I came down at 1.30am, I turned everything off, but I also tried to wake him to come up, to save a further waking later on. He didn't wake when I said his name, so I slapped his leg, and he then woke with a start. Well, he was LIVID. I went up to bed, and he quickly followed. I assumed he would get into bed as well, but he actually grabbed the duvet and pulled the whole thing off me and threw it on the floor, shouting about how livid he was. After standing there for about 30 seconds glaring at me, he picked the duvet back up from the floor and threw it over me, in such a way as my head was now completely covered. He then stormed off to the spare room, and slept there all night.

After I got up at 6.30am, he went back into the master bedroom, drew the blackout curtains and went back to sleep until he was ready to get up.

He retires in about 20 months, but I will still be working, and I am worried that this will then become a regular thing.

What do other people make of this? I know I shouldn't have slapped his leg to wake him up, but I just wanted to go back to sleep without a further waking at 4am.

Do you not ask him to come to bed when you go first?

Otherwise I would be switching the timer on myself before going to bed ( I know you shouldn't have to, but at least it turns off) lock on the door so he has to go to the spare room? Or you use the spare room when you have had drinks, (again, I know you shouldn't have to, but better than no sleep) you do need to talk to him though

I know what you mean about the duvet - it doesn't sound much does it, but it feels horrible, like an attack. My ex once came upstairs angry about something I had done. I was asleep and he shouted and punched the pillow next to me. I got such a shock. I know the duvet isn't as bad as that, but it's the sort of thing that sticks in your mind.

Is he already asleep when you go to bed, or falling asleep afterwards? When DP falls asleep downstairs and I go to bed and can't wake him, I just turn the TV volume right down.
Otherwise a timer like PP suggests would be better.

Or move into the spare room yourself. Separate bedrooms have saved many marriages.

Tell him to listen to the TV with headphones. Is there a spare room he can sleep in?

Ask him to put it in writing eg a text message, what’s app, FB Messenger or whatever you use with each other. That way you’ve got it to refer back to and maybe seeing it in writing will remind him to not be a dick.

If your TV has Bluetooth what about him using headphones to listen to the tv once you go to bed? That way you and the neighbours won’t be disturbed by the TV. Maybe turn off some of the lights on your way to bed and just leave a few on for him.

He definitely needs to sleep separately on the nights he does this.

I’d say I can’t deal with this anymore, I have out a lock on the bedroom door, and the tv plug is now on a timer so it turns off at 1:30 am, and if I wake up at 2 and you’re not in bed I will lock the door; since apparently you can wake me a couple of times a night but it’s world war 3 if i wake you. Don’t you dare argue, you will go to the spare room like a considerate man who is not a dickhead who thinks he can wake his wife up anytime. I’m doing this because of your behaviour.

You've just reminded me that he punched the pillow (his not mine) on holiday. Yeah, not nice.

My ex pulled stunts like this too. I don't think he quite lived in the real world, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. He once yanked off my duvet while I was in bed and started yelling at me. Honestly, I didn't even know what it was I was supposed to have done. Your post brought it all back to me how that felt. I didn't immediately think 'divorce' but it was yet another thing he did that killed my love for him. We split a year or two later and I wasn't sad about it. How do you honestly feel about your DH, OP? Just look at how he behaves - you don't have to put up with him.

So: that is extremely problematic. The fact that you “forgot” it even more so. Sporadic violence of this kind is quite dangerous as you can’t anticipate when it will escalate.

How do I honestly feel? He is nice 90% of the time, and then we get along great. At other times he can be grumpy, but his job is awful, and a lot relates to that. We have been together a long time - 17 years. Looking forward to retirement now, with lots of exciting plans. I love him. I don't like this though - obviously.

What a deeply unattractive SLOB you are married to.

But if you don't tackle his behaviour head on, nothing will change. He doesn't sound like a good man. I used to have a difficult job but I didn't threaten my partner like that.

I would look forward to a retirement without this fucking oaf.

I guess you're just going to have to put up with it then. He won't change, you don't want change other than this which he won't change, bit of a stalemate.

When your husband is abusive, the best thing to do is to get away from him as quickly as possible.

You know he’s going to start drinking more and get even worse when he retires, right? So many men who already behave like this do. And he’ll always find a way to blame you and to react with anger or violence if challenged. Time to tackle the drinking, disrespect, and anger now or it will only escalate. If he refuses, be prepared for misery if you won’t set any boundaries or leave him.

I think if you want to stay with him you really need to have a serious conversation and give him an ultimatum.
He needs to stop drinking to excess and his behaviour obviously deteriorates when he does. He needs to understand how his behaviour made you feel and that an apology on its own is not enough. He needs to adjust his behaviour. This is all the more important with his retirement coming up.

Set some boundaries.
He needs to stop drinking to excess
If he stays up late watching TV he needs to turn the volume down - and set a smart plug to auto turn off at a certain time.

When he retires to bed late - he goes into the spare room so not to disturb you. (and then you don't risk disturbing him either when you get up earlier)

If you’re going to stay with him then I’d suggest separate bedrooms. Set the spare room up as yours, move all your clothes and toiletries in there and just go to bed there every night. DH and I are currently in the process of doing the same as we both snore and wake the other up.

This reads as a lassic "boiled frog analogy" OP.

You have been accepting of his abuse of you slowly escalating for so long, you actually believe you have a good marriage because you have no idea of what one is.

He is an angry abusive bully that is slowly escalating.

Stay in denial as long as you like, but I would imagine you have a long miserable retirement in front of you with such a man

Talk to Women's aid about his behaviour and I think you will be given advice and support.

You deserve so much better than this.
Elder domestic abuse is surprisingly common and particularly sad.

Take his behaviour seriously, before you find your choices narrowing.

I’d buy him headphones to use with the TV and/or put it on a timer that switches off before he’s pissing off the neighbours. Then I’d lock the bedroom door behind me. If you have a spare room, he can sleep in there.

I think I'd be livid too if DH slapped me awake. YABU for that.

However his habits are severely affecting your sleep and your life, and his relationship with alcohol sounds problematic. You can only ask that he changes, it's up to him ultimately. I couldn't live like this personally and at the very least he'd be sleeping in a different room.

I'd struggle to move past the duvet thing tbh - I'd be giving him an ultimatum. I have a smart plug for my living room lamp which is connected to Alexa so I can just turn if off without even having to go anywhere near it. My TV goes quiet if I don't do anything with it - I've often put it on during the day for background entertainment, but if I pop up for a shower it'll just go on a screen saver mode and eventually turn off.

I think if you want to stay with him you really need to have a serious conversation and give him an ultimatum.

What is the ultimatum going to be? She's already had several conversations with him about this where he's said he'll change and hasn't.

So unless she states something that will happen if he doesn't change then follows through, there doesn't seem to be any point to an ultimatum.

My DH retired 2 years ago. He was always something of a night owl but is even more of one now. He has a few drinks most nights, occasionally falls asleep downstairs but usually stays up till 3.30 I would guess. However he uses headphones so as not to disturb us or the neighbours and I use earplugs so that I’m not woken up when he comes to bed. He doesn’t react well to being woken suddenly (a bit grumpy) so if he falls asleep downstairs, it’s his own tough luck as I won’t wake him even if I’m still up. Yanking the duvet off you is dreadful behaviour!