Husband waking me up at night

[sleepchaser]

My husband, when he is off work, likes a few drinks (as do I), but whereas I will go to bed when I'm tired, he will sometimes fall asleep on the sofa, with all the lights on, and the TV still on. We are in a terraced house, and this has elicited many complaints by the neighbours, as they can hear the TV through the walls (which is definitely annoying at 2am!).

When this happens, I end up waking up at about 2am, hearing the TV is still on, find a dressing gown, go downstairs, turn everything off and come back up to bed. He then comes up at about 4am, so then I'm woken again when he gets into bed. My alarm then goes off at 6.30am for work. I work 7 days a week (self empoyed), so I never get a lie in. This is not a problem, as I love my job, and the pay is great, but it IS a problem to be woken at 2am and 4am, when I have such an early start.

At the moment, he probably only does this a couple of times a month, but he has been doing it for a very long time, also, he is on annual leave just now - he is 3 days into his leave, and it's happened 2 nights out of 3.

Last night, when I came down at 1.30am, I turned everything off, but I also tried to wake him to come up, to save a further waking later on. He didn't wake when I said his name, so I slapped his leg, and he then woke with a start. Well, he was LIVID. I went up to bed, and he quickly followed. I assumed he would get into bed as well, but he actually grabbed the duvet and pulled the whole thing off me and threw it on the floor, shouting about how livid he was. After standing there for about 30 seconds glaring at me, he picked the duvet back up from the floor and threw it over me, in such a way as my head was now completely covered. He then stormed off to the spare room, and slept there all night.

After I got up at 6.30am, he went back into the master bedroom, drew the blackout curtains and went back to sleep until he was ready to get up.

He retires in about 20 months, but I will still be working, and I am worried that this will then become a regular thing.

What do other people make of this? I know I shouldn't have slapped his leg to wake him up, but I just wanted to go back to sleep without a further waking at 4am.

That behaviour was unacceptable. I wouldn't accept that from a child.
My DP falls asleep on the sofa most nights. When I'm ready for bed I wake him gently, we close down the house and go to bed.
Maybe agree a routine along those lines with DH, after he's apologised.

Talk to him this evening before any drinking has happened. Tell him his behaviour last night was marriage endingly bad.
Ask him how it can be resolved. That’s when you can suggest timer plugs and the spare room.

Tell him if he ever scares you with his violence again, he can have a lonely retirement where he doesn’t need to consider anyone else.

You really do need to raise your bar @sleepchaser . You truly should not be putting up with his behaviour.

What a sad way to live your life Op
you are worth more than this

He sounds like a total arsehole. Why are you putting up with this? It really shouldn’t be up to you to find a solution.

My husband does this nearly every night - used to bother me. I just leave him now and if he has a crappy nights sleep on the settee that’s his problem

he's going to retire soon? eeep this will become a nightly thing!!

Drinking on his own watching television every night - yuck - it's so unattractive - what a slob.

does he have plans for what to fill his time with once he retires?

what do you do together? i couldn't cope with my life being like this OP it sounds so miserable.

I’m sorry op, he’s a selfish abusive prick. Ranting at you and pulling a duvet of you on the middle of the night, as well as punching a pillow all sounds very abusive to me.
He’s got a major alcohol problem because clearly it is affecting his behaviour badly. I’d insist on him going to the gp and him stopping drinking.
whatever you do, don’t enable his behaviour (eg getting smart plugs is just enabling him). He needs to realise what a selfish prickish behaviour he has after drinking, not be enabled to drink..

Is the volume of the TV the root cause here? What has he said when you discuss the fact he watches at very high volume? Is his hearing not good? Does he turn up the volume with the knowledge that he is bothering others?

id ask him to go into the spare room if he’s going to come up so late, and I’d get a timer plug for the tv so it turns it self off.

Put the tv on a timer and one of you sleep in the spare room. I imagine it wasn’t because you woke him, but because you slapped him!

He sounds incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. Your neighbours must absolutely hate him. His aggression would frighten me, personally - I couldn't live with any level of abuse, no matter how nice the guy is 90% of the time.

I think it’s bothered you as it’s made you feel vulnerable ?

@sleepchaser doesnt seem like it would be an issue if you both had separate rooms ? I mean it’s not like he ever goes to bed with you is if .
I’d move rooms do it up and out a lock on it after his latest stunt . And if he is likely to bother about separate beds then he can change his ways.

Id also get the timer plug so it switches of at a set time say 11.30/12 if he’s awake all he has to do is turn the tv back on . Maybe out two different times on it just incase .

Also op have you let things go back to “normal “ today . Talking like normal then tonight Making dinner having a glass of wine and chatting together . If this is normal then he has no incentive to change .

I agree with all of this but op seems like like him otherwise and wants to stay.

Time for a bit of a sit down.

His drinking is escalating and his behaviour becoming more aggressive. This is marriage ending.
Smart plugs, headphones, tv in spare room are all possible solutions. Is he getting a bit deaf? Why is it so loud?
What are his plans for retirement? How is he going to occupy his time or is booze and late night tv the plan?

Then there’s you. You work 7 days a week, start early, go to bed early and never take a day off. I’d be as irritable as hell working non-stop.

Thats not a marriage. Have you considered that he must be as lonely as fuck? It’s no excuse for the aggressive behaviour but why do you think this is acceptable?

Even if you can put up with this it’s really not ok for your poor neighbours, is it???

Ask yourself why you are parenting an adult male.

Make sure you turn the lights and radio on, curtains open at 6.30am every morning. He is being horrible and inconsiderate.

Imwould move into the spare room and lock the door. Then he can sleep away. I would not be going downstairs and turning off the tv and if neighbours complain I would tell them to speak to your husband

why are you even staying?

@sleepchaser OMG what a selfish prick!

My DH snores if he has more than 2 pints so he has to sleep on the sofa, otherwise I get woken up all night!

Put a timer plug on the TV so it turns off at 1am. Tell your husband that if he's going to come up to bed so late, then he needs to sleep in the spare room.

What a dick! I'd have him sleep in the spare room pretty much full time, tbh.

Abso-bloody-luteky women should be getting divorced to selfish, grumpy, abusive - and on the up, dismissive men. I really hope for the next generations more and more women learn that being single is a billion times better than being with a man like this.

He's an alcoholic, he might not be drinking at 7am or falling down in the street but it is controlling his behaviour and his relationship with alcohol is clearly more important than you, than being a good neighbour etc. (Honestly I really feel for your neighbours with the tv blaring, then the door slamming and shouting - what a nightmare).
You can fix the symptoms, like the tv timer or the smart plug, or him sleeping in the spare room but the root of all these issues is that he drinks so much he isn't in control of his behaviour. If he won't see this or won't fix it, I think you need to decide if you can live with someone who loves drink more than you.

This with fucking bells on.