AIBU- pulling someone up on snarky comments.

[Guttyyyyyyyyy]

So I work and DH is retired. We have a dog. I work 4 days a week . On the days I work DH walks the dog in the morning and I walk it in the evening. My days off we swap it around.
There is a group of dog walkers that meet in the morning. One man thinks its hilarious to ask if Ive enjoyed my sleep in/ lazy day/ sending DH out while I relax ect.
every single time I see him. 2 years of me just ignoring him / saying I work ect.
I work in a unit that deals with palliative care. Yesterday was a bloody hard day.
So this morning he said it must be nice to laze about on a Sunday and send DH out so I let him have it with both barrels - told him ( in rough terms) what my day consisted of. That I was up and out by 6am. Long drive. The realities of my job.
He was silent. Got home and his wife has watsapped to say Ive upset him !@@.
AIBU to think he deserves it.

Urgh I’ve met plenty of men like this. Fragile babies.

You never know: he might actually grow as a person from this and do some thinking. I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Of course, one of the reasons he has remained insufferable for so long is the enabling wife who has laughed at his ‘jokes’ and listened to his ‘stories’ all this time.

None so insipid as the #bekind brigade. In this case it just means women putting up with bad behaviour.

I suspect he will regret leaving the group, ask to rejoin at some point and then wheedle his way back in and try to make you look like the bad guy. Probably when you are away on holiday.

Just basing this on a similar dog walking group in my village that imploded with a man going off in a strop. The trouble with these groups is that beyond the dogs you don’t really have much in common.

Do not blame the menopause for justifiable anger.
Women are always labelled hysterical, hormonal or whatever - you are not. You are justifiably angry with a goady, ignorant, rude man.

Whatever money you wish to put on this as an "ongoing joke", is money you have lost.
You sound like the insulting, misogynistic dud or his wifey.

@Guttyyyyyyyyy

This! Simple as. Don't feel in the least bit guilty. I'd message his wife back & say he's upset YOU for the past 2yrs with his ignorant, insulting comments!! But I'm petty like that & can't let shit go!! 😆

A lot of women find their anger during/after menopause because the lack of oestrogen frees them up to say what they really feel, rather than be people pleasers.

absolutely
he was Unkind

Sometimes you have to have what I call the "firm word" with some people to reign in their behaviour.

You were quite right to put things straight

However, it's framed as a woman being a prisoner of her hormones or her menopausal state. Women having the menopause are still capable, rational people. It's as you say, we stop being people pleasers or #bekind.

Sounds annoying. How old is he?

I could tolerate this from an 80+ year old.. I've got elderly relatives who say the same joke again and again, and honestly, at their age, I just laugh along and we get on fine.

But from a younger person, who has had the situation explained to them? That would annoy me. Probably not to the point of exploding, but certainly to saying something firmer.

I do think though generally speaking, that a lot of men, make these comments until they get pushback. The issue is that they are not expecting angry pushback, they are expecting "banter" pushback, because that is how male communication/relationships work. They push, the other man responds and pushes back, but never aggressively, because aggression = chance of violence/fighting in men.

The problem is that women don't communicate in the same way generally, so their "unfunny remarks" will keep not getting the pushback they are expecting (A cutting/insulting/crude joke back) so they just keep on going, ignoring any other response, until eventually the respondent gets angry or complains. At that point they are confused and don't understand what has happened.

Men who actually understand how to communicate, especially with different people, (especially with women) don't have this problem.

He deserved it but mark my words, they will turn this against you now to make you the baddie

They don't expect these responses from women because they are used to women being submissive, or at least "putting up with it", just smiling and carrying on. He'll have had that experience all his life.

This is a morning dog walking group. OP and her DH don’t walk their dogs together - they swap around on OPs days off. This man only makes these comments to OP. Given that DH isn’t there how would he hear it ?

Oh, yes, that's definitely going to happen. Stand your ground, OP.

Well done Guttyyyyy. You stated the facts. And he just didn't like being challenged. And his wife's #bekind response was particularly teeth-grinding.

It's a shame a few more misogynists (both male and female varieties) don't get told more often. Maybe then they'd stop with this crap.

To all the women on here saying OP should not have overreacted, should have stayed calm, or that women need to educate men, or that OP should apologise, I feel sad for you that you think someone should not just assertively state the facts such as OP did. If anything, it was somewhat of an under-reaction. (And to any men on here saying that, well, perhaps some of you have a vested interest in maintaining a totally dysfunctional and outdated status quo.)

No doubt some of you sensitive, peace-keeping, don't-rock-the-boat types will be therefore shocked to read the following vignette:
In my much younger days, I once challenged a man about his ongoing sexist bullshit and he then asked if I was 'on the rags.' I responded with: 'Well, a matter of fact I certainly am, Brad, and it's quite a heavy, clotty and impressive one, but...do enlighten me as to what YOUR excuse is for being a cunt all month long?' (This was long before I went through the menopause by the way.)

Feel free to tell me I overreacted. 🤣

Guttyyy, you are an absolute legend doing the work you do. One of the hardest jobs in the world. I salute you on all levels. Thank you for all that you do.

(edited for spelling)

Just read all your posts @Guttyyyyyyyyy
God he sounds so annoying… I can imagine him and what he’s like.
Well done for telling him straight. It’s about time someone did. Good for you x

women are allowed to be upsetting! i am so glad you finally let him have it. wife was out of order

Agree - in a patriarchal society it’s easier to frame it that way. Instead of being seen as women being prisoners of their hormones, menopause should be celebrated as the throwing off of the shackles !!

Good for you. I have had similar scenarios with neighbour..I worked ft nights nursing with 100 mile round trip commute (driving) course he would see me about in the day. I got these sort of comments. I'd done a 12.5 night shift, driven home 90 minutes on a good day. He had an office based job 2 miles away. My DH said he was harmless but thoughtless,he's working in the day,so didn't see this side of things till he retired. I worked damn hard,4 DKs quarter of an acre garden,used to look after my dgk after a night shift and friends 4 kids after school. Course now I'm retired I do nothing,he's now retired really does do nothing!! He's a poor me winger and gets people doing everything for him.

No my gay male friend has put on the chat that annoying fucker never passes comment on him or his husband when they alternative dog walking. As in he only picks on women.

Was this in the chat where dickhead dog walker and 'be kind' wife could read?

Enjoy this mornings walk!!! What a total prick

Some men do love to wind us up then play the victim when we snap back.
You were in the right. He deserved it.

Yes, indeed. It should not be an insult "she's very menopausal", "I'm feeling a bit menopausal". The OP questioning her response because of it

It's a change in life for the better.

Mmmmm. I think that is too lenient a view tbh. Men may banter like that between themselves, but they usually don’t communicate like that with women. And op had set him right for two years and he still persisted … he knew what he was doing, he just didn’t like being called out on it.

Hold your head up high this morning op. He should have apologised. If this bloke doesn’t turn up; you will have done the whole group a favour!

It will be interesting to know what the chat in the group is this morning and if he turns up,