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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has moved out

337 replies

Passa · 02/06/2025 00:29

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

OP posts:
Circless · 03/06/2025 14:19

justasking111 · 03/06/2025 09:31

Fitted wardrobes we used dress rails for five years.

Doors were replaced well down the road.

I don't know the solution except to sell. Just pray he doesn't have a meltdown and lose his job

We had an excellent carpenter make carcasses of builtin wardrobes, to our design so we had hanging storage etc.
The plain white doors were ordered and hung a year later by the same man.

30 years ago this still cost several thousands but saved us thousands doing it this way and because they were plain and timeless in design, still look great.

We painted the old teak doors white sharpish once the cost of replacing sold doors became apparent....we still have them as they were perfect when painted white...by my husband.

We are very MC professionals and this was very normal in our circle, who bought large older houses that needed huge renovation jobs.

I actually think you make fewer mistakes when you live in a house and do jobs like these over a couple of years.
Likewise landscaping a large old garden. The basics were done by others like clearing the place out of everything dead and dying, new gravel etc., but we did a lot ourselves like new planting, digging out beds etc over a couple of years.

Curtains were another huge expense, putting up new poles throughout the house.
We could have paid a couple of thousand for someone to do this, instead my husband spent two full weeks of evenings after work, putting up new poles throughout the house.

When you work hard for money you don't half value it.

I really hope you can row back on some of these costs and save your marriage.

WiddlinDiddlin · 03/06/2025 14:25

You can live in dated, you can get your scruffies on and clean up dirty..

You've gone the whole hog and splashed out on fixing absolutely everything all at the same time, telling yourself you can't possibly live in it until it's PERFECT.

That isn't how most of the world lives - most of us make it liveable - ie, clean up, fix the broken bits - then focus on one project at a time!

llizzie · 03/06/2025 14:54

Passa · 03/06/2025 06:01

Thanks to everyone who replied.
I made mistakes and was too rash, I accept this.

To get a house painted is around £4k to 5k, and a kitchen is going to cost £10k and another £10k to install. I don’t know who people are getting extensions for £30k

I don't know either, and it isn't so in reality. I blame the television programmes who show us fantastic homes magically transformed and give the viewer the idea that it is all cheap and easy.

It is not.

You can look up every job online and see what the average cost of any work you need doing. It will give you an idea of how much you have to spend before buying a property.

If you want to change the wallpaper, make sure you know the cost of each roll you want and estimate the cost a decorator will charge for putting it up.

Sometimes - often even - it is not worth buying a property which needs work. There is always a property somewhere that you can live in while you decide, one where the seller has already made some refurbishment. Chances are they have not costed that into the list price, because it would have made the property to high to sell - as will yours eventually.

llizzie · 03/06/2025 14:58

Some people start on the garden at a new place before they know what flowers are already there.

It is a good idea to wait until the plants bloom before digging them up.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 03/06/2025 15:32

your budget is crazy, I’ve never spent that much money on renovating a ‘dated’ house. We took our time. Did a lot ourselves. Bought an Ikea kitchen and assembled it. But mainly we did with what we had for a long time. We didn’t have a designer coming in!!

All money you didn’t have.

But more to the point, it’s clear you did that with little consultation with your dh. Just expecting him to somehow magic up some money to cover the cost.

Your issue here is the lack of communication and the lack of respect towards him.
And yes the money has been spent. But you can’t just expect him to accept it and move on. You have a hell of a lot of grovelling to do if you want to save your marriage.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 03/06/2025 15:39

@llizzie the thing is, the house was dated. Not unliveable.

Yes some houses need to be modernised/work done. And it’s expensive and complex. Like yu suddenly realise that the whole electricity wiring needs to be redone NOW (for safety purposes).
But a dated house is a house you can live in.
Wallpaper is something you can do yourself.
Garage or extension doesn’t need to be done just immediately.
You don’t need to buy new sofas, new wardrobes etc…. Just use the ones you already have.
And more importantly, you have quotes and estimates. If it’s over budget, you dint do it and wait. And you review it p/discuss it TOGETHER with your dh. Somethimg the OP clearly hasn’t done.

Circless · 03/06/2025 16:03

Also I have friends that I remember had rooms that remained empty and shut for several years, simply because of finances.

They had expensive taste and they took their time to get what they wanted.

I swear that is why none of our childcare jumped on sofas or wrote on walls and disrespected their homes....the very idea of it.

You respect what you have worked hard to build.

Sassybooklover · 03/06/2025 16:07

Why are you trying to renovate the entire house all at once??!! We are renovating our home, but we do what we can, when we can afford it. If costs are spiralling, then you need to look at where you can save money. It's very easy to underestimate costs, and over spend, as you are finding out. Why is your husband blaming you for the costs? Have you been choosing expensive fittings or wanting to do things to the house, that you can't really afford? You and your husband need to sit down and work out together how to save your renovation project, within a reasonable budget. You may need to wait until you have more money before some things can be completed. Your husband moving out isn't going to solve the problem.

llizzie · 03/06/2025 18:22

ContraryNoodle · 03/06/2025 13:52

OP, what is it that you wanted to achieve with your post. Some relationship advice on how to try to salvage your marriage? Because you are totally avoiding that issue. Most people will not tell you that you are blameless and feel sorry for you.

You have a point. I think it is more than possible that some people on Mumsnet do not really know what a marriage and/or partnership is all about.

On other threads I have been balled out because I suggested that when two people form a partnership - and especially if they have made a family - they cease to be two people and become one when it comes to the future of the family. It was to do with one partner being ill affecting the whole family and if one has health issues and won't see the GP, the other must make them.

Perhaps I am wrong? I got so many protests at that. So many posters insist they are still two people. Of course they are individuals, but they also have to arrange things together, especially when it comes to the future of them and any children they have made.

There are posters on here who rightly say they should have discussed the house together, yet it seems these two are still two separate people deciding for themselves what they want without discussions..

I wonder if people understand what they are letting themselves in for when they form any sort of partnership. They are each responsible for the other.

Scentedjasmin · 03/06/2025 18:41

Quotes for new fitted wardrobes can be astronomical. Ikea can still look good and save you thousands. Or if they have old fitted ones, either change the doors or rip them out and look for cheap second hand ones which you can paint. Re the kitchen - again you can save money by getting all the unit bases from IKEA and upgrading the doors if needs be. You need to sit down together and agree a clear and reasonable plan for how you can save money or recoup money, either by doing it up and reselling or doing it up on a budget. The work needs finishing if it's been started.

llizzie · 03/06/2025 18:48

MyHouseInThePrairie · 03/06/2025 15:39

@llizzie the thing is, the house was dated. Not unliveable.

Yes some houses need to be modernised/work done. And it’s expensive and complex. Like yu suddenly realise that the whole electricity wiring needs to be redone NOW (for safety purposes).
But a dated house is a house you can live in.
Wallpaper is something you can do yourself.
Garage or extension doesn’t need to be done just immediately.
You don’t need to buy new sofas, new wardrobes etc…. Just use the ones you already have.
And more importantly, you have quotes and estimates. If it’s over budget, you dint do it and wait. And you review it p/discuss it TOGETHER with your dh. Somethimg the OP clearly hasn’t done.

Which is why I suggested that it might be cheaper in the long run to by a house which has already been updated. It won't need major work, and decorating can be done as and when. An old house which has seen a lot of life is never easy unless you have won the lottery or something.

Chances are the list price probably doesn't reflect the price the owner paid for the renovations. You cannot always get that back in the selling price.

I would think an updated house a better buy than one which needs completely updating. Present day costs are much higher. The minimum wage has gone up, NI for employers has risen, and it is the small traders who suffer the most.

I think the OP has given many people food for thought, and I credit her with that.

llizzie · 03/06/2025 19:25

Can we criticise anyone for not budgeting properly when this is in the news:

A council has spent £50 million on a “bridge to nowhere” after running out of money to make the connecting road.
Lincolnshire county council has confirmed its latest budget falls short of the estimated cost to complete the planned Spalding Western Relief Road.

advantagelove · 03/06/2025 19:55

I still have no idea about the following:

  1. does OP want to mend the marriage?
  2. is the house finished or is there money to be saved?
  3. is the house going to be valued and possibly sold?

I know we're not entitled to answers but I feel this thread is either not genuine or we're being strung along somehow. What the heck does the OP want from this post?

k1233 · 03/06/2025 20:41

Passa · 02/06/2025 07:33

We had rented before, so didn’t have much of a clue about renovations and the costs of works.

Edited

But you knew what it was costing you and that, by buying a house at the top of your affordability, you had no money to spare.

I'd be pissed if I was him too. He shouldn't have cashed his shares or ISA to do non essential work. Essential work is work that will cause damage to the house if not done eg leaking roof. Non essential is a kitchen or interior you don't like. Even more non essential is hiring a designer you can't afford.

You would have been told the cost of the work before it commenced. You could have decided what to proceed with and what to wait on. Personally I waited 13 years to replace my kitchen and bathroom. They were functional, did the job etc but were old and dated. I replaced them when I could afford it.

The eye batting innocence of "I didn't realise the cost" would infuriate me and I can see why he's called you manipulative. Yes he sold his investments but I can imagine the pressure you were putting on him to do so.

PlacidPenelope · 03/06/2025 21:58

But you knew what it was costing you and that, by buying a house at the top of your affordability, you had no money to spare.

Exactly, there would have been quotes for the work. If you have a £60k budget and you use £30k on a kitchen then there is only £30k left for everything else so you have to either lower your expectations of what you can afford or wait and save more money to get what you really want. It is not rocket science. To just plough on regardless is insanity.

BIossomtoes · 03/06/2025 22:08

llizzie · 03/06/2025 19:25

Can we criticise anyone for not budgeting properly when this is in the news:

A council has spent £50 million on a “bridge to nowhere” after running out of money to make the connecting road.
Lincolnshire county council has confirmed its latest budget falls short of the estimated cost to complete the planned Spalding Western Relief Road.

Those Reform cost cutting measures are going so well!

Bollynicks · 04/06/2025 18:02

Really surprised at this actually op as Ticktock is absolutely rammed full with couples buying dated houses and doing them up themselves on a buget/diy over several years.

SpookyMcTaggart · 04/06/2025 19:19

Passa · 03/06/2025 06:01

Thanks to everyone who replied.
I made mistakes and was too rash, I accept this.

To get a house painted is around £4k to 5k, and a kitchen is going to cost £10k and another £10k to install. I don’t know who people are getting extensions for £30k

£4k to 5k for painting...

I've just repainted three ground floor rooms in our house. Walls and all woodwork.Took me a weekend and the place looks fantastic. Total cost just under £100.
Probably you have a bigger house but why spend a fortune all at once rather than doing one area at a time and doing some of it yourself?

justasking111 · 04/06/2025 19:23

Friends had three rooms knocked into one really big long room, three zones. Once the plaster had dried two guys came in and sprayed the walls with paint. Took them two hours, cost £300. It was an amazing finish.

llizzie · 04/06/2025 22:21

justasking111 · 04/06/2025 19:23

Friends had three rooms knocked into one really big long room, three zones. Once the plaster had dried two guys came in and sprayed the walls with paint. Took them two hours, cost £300. It was an amazing finish.

It costs me £50 an hour for two handymen to move a few sticks of furniture.

I was quoted £740 by a removal firm to move one bed upstairs, take four bits of furniture out of the garage where they had been temporarily and bring them inside.

When I thought of buying a new bed for upstairs, the shops which sell them charge £90 if you want it further than the front door, and more if you want them to take the old bed away.

justasking111 · 04/06/2025 22:25

llizzie · 04/06/2025 22:21

It costs me £50 an hour for two handymen to move a few sticks of furniture.

I was quoted £740 by a removal firm to move one bed upstairs, take four bits of furniture out of the garage where they had been temporarily and bring them inside.

When I thought of buying a new bed for upstairs, the shops which sell them charge £90 if you want it further than the front door, and more if you want them to take the old bed away.

Are you in the UK?

llizzie · 04/06/2025 23:02

justasking111 · 04/06/2025 22:25

Are you in the UK?

I am.

llizzie · 05/06/2025 16:10

Wintermoonlight · 02/06/2025 01:36

Did/do you need to do up the house all at once?

No. You should certainly live in it through at least one rainy season. I have lived in this house for years, and no leaks. Now there is water coming through the kitchen ceiling. It could be the bathroom, though I live in the disabled living extension downstairs, so it could be the join of that and the main house.

It got bigger today, so I do recommend people to live in a place for a good long time. No good new decorations if they are spoilt.

Asdada · 05/06/2025 17:02

I think there are different definitions of ‘unliveable’. Roof and damp course are unliveable. Dangerous electrics and condemned boiler are unliveable.

Avocado bathroom is very livable.

Circless · 05/06/2025 17:16

Asdada · 05/06/2025 17:02

I think there are different definitions of ‘unliveable’. Roof and damp course are unliveable. Dangerous electrics and condemned boiler are unliveable.

Avocado bathroom is very livable.

It is an eye sore though....perhaps marginally better than the hideous pink we pulled from another bathroom.😁
With a green bamboo wallpaper, and cork flooring...hideous.
Having removed so much wallpaper I have never considered hanging the stuff again. 6 layers, it was like insulation.