DH has moved out

[Passa]

We purchase our house earlier this year. We’ve spent more than we would have liked but we can afford the monthly payments.
However, we underestimated the refurbishment cost, we budgeted £60k but it’s going to be closer to £100k+ : new kitchen, new wardrobes, new beds, new flooring and paint. The house is very dated and needs updating but DH has become increasingly bitter at the cost and placed the blame s on me. He’s had to sell his ISA and employee shares to fund this, and has regularly resorted to calling me names. He stayed in thr spare room for weeks but finally moved out back to his parents.
i don’t know what happens after this - will the house be sold off? We are sitting on a very significant loss if we sell it now.

Our kitchen cost a lot more but my friend undertook a kitchen renovation and it cost her that much.
We had new doors (internal and external), new floors, new lighting all over the house fitted wardrobes in all bedroom etc and a lot more stuff. Plus converting garage.

A lot of that does not sound urgent. If you stretched yourself to the limit to buy, then you needed to accept you had to live woth a shabby old fashioned house for a bit.

That is what most people do.

OK, you seem determined to not reveal any of your own costs. Did you know the designer you chose?

New internal doors? Yes I’m afraid you can spend a LOT of money if you really go at it. We spent a small fortune on our Reno, but we are established and in our £50k. I did a fully costed quote before we did a thing and knew where every penny would come from.

Did you put all of this in Insta?

We did a complete refurb, including an extension, a full loft conversion, new staircase in a different position, scaffolding, complete rewire, all new plumbing and heating, and new boiler and tank, new bathrooms, complete re plaster, new kitchen, walls moved, new flooring throughout, new doors throughout, new windows, decorated throughout and finally a nice new driveway once the skips had gone.

The whole lot came in at about £200k which included the architect fee of about £7k, planning permission and the builder's costs to manage all the trades on our behalf.

Your £100K is not unreasonable - depending on how much you are actually doing.

But the issue is not the cost, it's the fact you can't afford it and never could. You have spent money you didn't have in the first place.

I would recommend you speak to your designers and tell them you can't afford their twiddly bits and go back to basics.

I designed our kitchen. I used graph paper, measured absolutely everything. Scaled cut-outs of the various sizes of cupboards, hobs, ovens etc., and played around with it all until I was happy. Then we got Howdens to quote and refined it after the quote. From what you are saying you are just accepting everything a designer tells you that you need. That's their job - you don't have to agree!

But why on earth did you do this all at once? This kind of work is usually carried out over years while you’re living in the property. Converted the garage? Did that really need doing immediately?
We moved into our house last year, and we’ve only just painted three rooms and only just got blinds fitted for the whole house! Plus maybe two or three new pieces of furniture?! (Some of which came from Ikea) - rest is pre-existing stuff.

OP, time to concentrate on the Relationship aspect of this.

It’s all very well MN demonstrating how you got carried away with enthusiasm and inexperience but what’s spent is spent. But maybe you can use these observations to inform your discussions with your DH about how it happened.

He is probably blaming himself for giving in to it all, and feels loss of control because his savings and shares are gone. Cashing in his shares was a bad move that will affect both your futures. People who feel out of control often look for someone else to blame as it gives them a sense of control.

You both need to examine and own your roles in this and be able to talk. This is why I suggested couples counselling.

Are there other financial adjustments you could make? Take in a lodger? Offer to take a weekend shift in a pub?

Step up and throw everything at trying to retrieve your relationship, if that is what you want.

Are you going to use all the bedrooms at once? If not, why the urgency to get fitted wardrobes in all of them?

Our kitchen cost a lot more but my friend undertook a kitchen renovation and it cost her that much.

Which shows you didn't need to spend what you chose to spend.

We had new doors (internal and external), new floors, new lighting all over the house fitted wardrobes in all bedroom etc and a lot more stuff. Plus converting garage.

Again, you didn't need to put fitted wardrobes in all the bedrooms immediately, the garage conversion could have waited, nor did you need the lot more stuff, did you? You bought the house earlier this year so have been in it a very short period of time you've gone on a reckless spending spree - you cannot have a champagne lifestyle on a beer ale budget.

Again, what is more important to you - your marriage and husband or this house?

Was the garage converted to a gym by any chance?

Lots of couples knuckle down and paint themselves.
You need to completely rein in the spending.
Lots of couples do the basics and save and spend.
Doing it all at once is for the very well off.
We bought our house for cash 30 years ago, did basic renovations like plumbing, electrics and polished old floors.

Painting we did our selves, I removed 6 layers of wallpaper.
It was hard work but we valued money and I waited 6 months for a kitchen.

You need to let him calm down and reason with him that selling will be a huge loss.
Do any further work yourselves that you can.

He is clearly overwhelmed and wrongly blaming you for him not speaking up.

But over spending huge amounts when you don't earn much was very wrong in my view.

You clearly lost the run of yourself.

Fitted wardrobes we used dress rails for five years.

Doors were replaced well down the road.

I don't know the solution except to sell. Just pray he doesn't have a meltdown and lose his job

I don't really understand how you got into this mess. Did you commit to work before discussing payment with him? Did you not add it up as you went along? Was he part of the "design" process or you just handed him the bill after the fact?

Who are we to say it is?

Why would anybody make things up?

You're still not responding to poster asking whether you're sorry your marriage has broken down or simply that your cashflow has dried up.

I suspect your husband probably thinks it's the latter.

Op... how much of the work is finished.... or whether there is still work to make it 1) habitable.. 2) more comfortable.

There's a distinction there in that habitable means you could still live there and carry on making improvements that might make it easier to sell if that's what you want to do.
Alternatively. if it was finished you might be able to rent it out. For example . Houses round here are in demand, the rents are far higher than the mortgages (or were before Liz Truss) and get rented by companies for overseas employees and its good money and the house will go up in value at the same time. These are often temporary contracts of a year or two.. So you might then have more room for manoeuvre.

It strikes me that your DH has already made poor investment decisions... and now walking out and washing his hands of the house project (which is what it is) ... is about to make another, even more costly, poor decision.

The house you bought together, which has presumably had considerable improvements done to it, is an asset.. even though it may feel like a money pit and it is up to BOTH of you to look at your options to either keep the asset and let it continue to grow in value as you continue to work on it yourselves...
Or decide how to maximise the amount you can now sell it for, or possibly how to minimise the loss..

Talk to estate agents.. ( don't tell them the whole story.. just ask for valuations and say as LITTLE as possible about your own situations.. maybe something like... We've been offered a potential job abroad and we are still thinking about it.. what would renting require and how much would it be worth... This may sound a bit dishonest.. but having been through the mill with estate agents some are great , but some are the sort that you never want to give them the impression that you are desperate to sell.
Do your own research as well.

I understand why you are focusing on the house, rather than the relationship right now.. as its the roof over your head and the most immediate problem. It sounds like you are still in shock and literally trying to work out what to do about what seems like an unconquerable problem. Given that your DH has literally walked out and said its all your mess deal with it.

Your situation is complex, but all you can do now is pick away at it bit by bit. Step by Step. Do your research and try to find options and Don't let him just dismiss every suggestion out of hand because he's angry, or because he feels this is more manipulation. Someone has to be the adult and try to find a way though this.
At some stage he will have to face reality that it is a joint asset and he needs to communicate and co-operate make sensible well thought out logical decisions about how you can both sort it out, rather than make your joint losses even worse.

What are your intentions with your marriage? Unless you plan to divorce we can't really help you regarding selling the house and splitting the money etc.

Tbh, on reflection, I am unsure what the OP is looking for from this thread…?! 🤔

Come on, get real. Don't pay someone that much to paint your house. Roll up your sleeves and do it yourself!

I honestly don't know anyone who bought their first house and got people in to decorate it. Have a painting party with your friends - great fun, much cheaper and quicker than doing it yourselves.

But isn't the money spent, job done. I thought we were looking at buyers remorse

The OP said he said it, and she didn't deny it. So why not assume it's true?

For me, the elephant in the (newly-decorated) room is still what you want to happen here. You seem fixated on only replying to posts about ££££. But what about your marriage? Do your love your H? Do you want to at least try and put things right?

You went Grand Designs when it should have been DIY SOS.
My dads a builder, you overpaid and went mental with the refit.
Fitted wardrobes.... insanity.
30k kitchen.. absolute madness.
Doing it all at once.. and not doing anything yourself... the actiona of either a professional house flipper witb contacts in the trades, a very rich person with amillion in the bank or a lunatic.

First line made me chuckle! X

OP, what is it that you wanted to achieve with your post. Some relationship advice on how to try to salvage your marriage? Because you are totally avoiding that issue. Most people will not tell you that you are blameless and feel sorry for you.