Cleaner threw away/moved/stole my secret booze stash

[Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected]

I rarely drink, I haven’t since Dv was born and since Peri kicked in and made me ill, every time I did.
Things have been stressful recently and Ive been having the odd drink on the balcony at sunset on my own. I usually don’t drink it all and usually put the remainder behind my bedroom patio shutters outside

Anyway, I came to have some tonight and they’ve all gone, cleaners came yesterday so an assuming it’s them as they clean the patio area too

Why would they do that?

OP - this comes from a place of concern and kindness; I hope you receive it that way. I don't have time to RTFT but I have read all of your posts.

I am a sober alcoholic. There is one thing in your posts that shouts 'problem' to me. It's not the drinking alone, or the hiding of bottles, or the family history (although I have a ton of that - most alcoholics do). It's the amount of mental space that thinking/posting about this is taking up. This is a huge red flag. Alcohol is absorbing far too much of your inner time. Please stop now. Please.

Someone who has a secret drink, once a month, is not an alcoholic.

She has issues around alcohol because of her childhood trauma which makes her feel it is something shameful.

She doesn’t have a dependency on alcohol. Which is what alcoholism is.

Happening more and more on MN isn’t it ? The entire point of the thread lost in a pile on about something the OP didn’t ask. The amount of projection here is concerning, as is the perceived entitlement to sit in judgement. From her last few posts it’s clear that posters have got to OP with this nonsense because she’s now considering going back to being teetotal. Her dad is an alcoholic. As a child OP saw him drink to excess and it's entirely understandable that she doesn’t want her DD to see her drinking for even the small amounts involved. Posters are twisting this and gaslighting her into thinking she has an alcohol related problem of her own - because she has a couple of small bottles of cider over a couple of nights, in peace on her balcony. It’s batshit.

Hear hear

OP I don’t drink but I don’t see what you’re doing is wrong. Having a small drink a couple of times a week seems to be a lot less than a lot of people I know who either drink every day or drink a lot on the weekend.

I think it would be good for you to try sitting out am with a non-alcoholic drink and seeing if that has the same effect. If you feel calmer doing this ritual then go for it. I have terrible mental health issues and finding the thing that calms me down (walking in the evening) has made a huge difference. But what you don’t want to do is associate feeling calm and good with alcohol.

It isn’t alcohol absorbing too much of her head space. It’s the childhood memories of seeing her alcoholic father the worse for drink, and not wanting her DD to see her drinking even small amounts as a result. And that’s all. OP didn’t post because she thinks she has an alcohol problem, she posted for advice on something entirely different. She’s spending time posting about her relationship with alcohol because she’s being gaslighted into thinking she has a problem with it. MN threads on alcohol inevitably descend into finger pointing and judgement because they attract those who have, or have had, problems with alcohol and who think that makes them sufficiently qualified to diagnose it in others. It doesn’t.

So it wouldn't actually be an issue but you still hide your alcohol. And still hide the fact that you drink (what sounds like) perfectly normal acceptable levels of driving from her. And you've said you don't buy alcohol but you clearly do, and you've said you don't have it in the house, but you have it just outside...... that's just not normal.

A previous poster advised you that have a unhealthy attitude to alcohol and you would benefit from counselling and you dismissed it as being harsh. They didn't actually say you drank too much. They didn't say you were unreasonable for drinking 3 drinks a week to relax. But I 100% agree with them. You are making excuses and hiding your drinking. You're saying "I don't want my child to see my drinking" but in reality what issue are you trying to prevent? You're still drinking, but choosing to do it in secret instead away from them. There's still the same amount of alcohol going into the parent no? Can't you see that it's a slippery slope and you're acting so oddly about it is cause for concern? Its just not normal. I think you really do need counselling to realign your views on what's normal with alcohol to more realistic ones. Not necessarily your fault with your family history but your relationship with drinking isn't healthy.

God almighty, the amount of holier than thou mumsnetters on here. Wringing their hands in anguish & this woman’s ’alcoholism’. This place is so weird sometimes. 🙄

Do you not think it’s odd to keep opened cider on a balcony, not in a fridge?

I mean it’s not really a drink to drink warm is it?

Doesn’t mean alcoholic but definitely a strange set up.

But the issue is that people are flagging this as potential alcoholism. That is insane.

Other posters have pointed out, calmly and sensibly, that the OP’s father’s behaviour has had a profound effect on her view of alcohol. It’s no coincidence that she sees drinking as something that has to be covered up; something shameful. THIS is what OP needs to address.

The people suggesting this is somehow a sign of alcohol dependence, when in reality the OP is drinking small amounts of a low alcohol product, are not just being ridiculous - they’re causing harm to someone in a difficult position.

Yup.

Happens frequently. Especially with alcohol or food.

There was an obviously intended to be lightheaded thread a while ago with a poster asking if she was unreasonable to be offended that the Tesco worker pressed 'clearly over 25' on the self-serve checkout when she was buying a bottle of wine. Cue dozens of posters saying 'it's 9am, you're buying wine at 9am? That's worrying OP'. Not that the OP said it had literally just happened before she started the thread at 9am in any case! And even if it did, people sometimes buy wine in the morning with the rest of their shopping and it's for that evening or the weekend.

I've seen threads asking is the poster unreasonable to be pissed off that her DP /kids ate her special birthday chocolates they'd been saving will lead to a chorus of 'you seem really upset about this, do you always hoard food? Do you think you might eat too much? Do you think you might have a problem with food?

Always with the snarky, superior tone.

This. The shame is on the zealots who have had a problem with alcohol and think it gives them the ability to diagnose it in others. OP is over protective of her DD because of what she witnessed as a child. I think she just needs to realise that she’s not her dad, doesn’t drink to excess, and that it’s perhaps healthier to let her DD see her having the odd drink - thus forging her own healthier relationship with alcohol in the future.

Yes it's ok, this is what most people do, I only really drink on occasion when I'm out, but we have wine at home, for guests, very occasionally DH and I still open a bottle especially in this weather in the garden in the evening. DH will have a beer or two a couple of times a month. None of this is hidden from ds, because of isn't shameful to drink and it doesn't need to be hidden.

Wanting a cold cider on the balcony every now and then is perfectly normal, what isn't is the hiding of it. If you want your daughter to grow up with normal attitudes to alcohol she needs to it can have a normal, infrequent, casual place in adult life and understand that drinking in moderation is fine if that's what someone chooses. Banning alcohol from the house, then hiding and drinking warm cider crates the opposite perspective and she will notice at some point.

I got one don't for a minute think she is drinking too much or has problem with how much she drinks. But she has a problem with her view of alcohol. She has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and is making frankly bizarre choices because of that.

It's beneficial for a child to grow up seeing a parent drinking responsible levels of alcohol in a normal home environment. That its nothing shameful to be hidden away, can be enjoyed responsibility in moderation without it being an issue, and isn't something that needs to be hidden away.

Check the bin. I assume cleaners would put them in that

hiding booze isn’t good

i get you not w wrong to drink infront if dc due to your childhood

but assume they are in bed asleep when watching sunset

and tbh I think it’s good for children , esp if there are alcohol issues around them. - that a person can have one drink and that’s it

That drinking doesn’t mean downing drinks and getting wankered and making a prat of self

so to me the hiding seems weird rather then have in cupboard /in fridge etx @Dubaichocisbetterthanexpected

Perfectly put. The so called ‘experts’ are projecting their own experience and some are coming across as desperate to convince OP she has a problem and should seek help. It’s gaslighting and it’s harmful.

Have you not considered the fact that OP has only started to do this in the last couple of weeks, having not drunk alcohol for some time because it made her ill in peri-menopause ? Did it not cross your mind that she may still be deciding how to broach it with her DD, and until then she’s keeping it out of her way ? OP’s dad was an alcoholic. Her childhood memories of his excess are leading her to be cautious about letting her own child see her drinking even small amounts. That is what’s guiding her behaviour, not some insatiable need to drink in secret and hide the evidence.

So what was the point of the thread? Asking what the cleaners did was utterly pointless.

OP has said she’s only recently started this - in the last couple of weeks. It’s entirely possible she hasn’t yet decided the best way forward with her DD - completely understandable given her own experience.

Well that'll teach me to read the whole thread before I reply!!

OP, as your replies have gone on the penny seems to have dropped and you've stopped making excuses and actually taken in what people are saying to you. Which is fab. 😃 I think what you've said is perfect. Carry on relaxing and just having a somersby to chill on occasion, be open about it, with a meal, on the balcony, whatever. But treat it like it's just normal (which it is!) and don't feel any shame. Let her see you drinking responsibly, let her see the drinks in the fridge, or in the cupboard, the washed glass on the draining board. It doesn't have to be any more secret than having a lemonade would be.

I would still recommend counselling though to help you realign your views so you feel concrete on what 'normal' with alcohol actually means.

Also, random speculation about what happened aren't helpful or relevant.

The point of the thread was exactly that - whether you think it pointless or not. OP didn’t ask for a critique of her drinking habits, she asked for opinions on how to approach the missing alcohol with the cleaning service. What she got was a gaslighting pile on which is now making her rethink a couple of small bottles of cider a week, drunk in peace on her balcony looking at the view. On MN alcohol threads that’s mission accomplished.

As are 90% of the threads on MN if you take that view. Most are questions posed, asking for opinions.

Are you popping up on threads titled - 'was I in the wrong? Have I been ghosted? Why have I been left out of this invite? Why is my neighbour not talking to me? Why have I been removed from this whatsapp group?' - saying well we don't KNOW OP, it's pointless asking?

Or derailing the thread with opinions about something the OP didn't ask about?

I scrolled through a lot of the posts... but OP, basically keeping secrets from your partner and hiding away to drink a warm tin of cider is concerning. Not the amount of alcohol or the frequency but that you had decided to have an alcohol free house (no problem with that, I grew up in one) and then you decided that it didn't apply to you in this very specific, slightly unusual situation. It would be far healthier to talk to your partner and say 'actually I think we could have a bit of alcohol in the house, I am really enjoying the idea of having 1-2 drinks now and again instead of being super committed to an alcohol free life' and then coming up with something everyone is comfortable about.

I will say however, that growing up in a house without any alcohol made it a whole 'thing' when I started to get exposed to it and I had a huge issue as a teenager as I had no exposure to any of this. I had no idea what a reasonable amount of drinking might look like, no idea what could happen and ended up having a bad relationship with drinking myself. So if, and only if, you are comfortable with this (and your partner), it might be worth modelling something reasonable with your daughter. I really had no idea that people would drink socially in a normal way - it was no drinking, or chugging too much beer in the parking lot with a bunch of my friends. Took me years to work out how many middle grounds are possible.

Op Im Sorry to hear about your experiences as a child but I think this has affected your attitude around alcohol.

Someone up thread said it perfectly. But to me drinking in secret and hiding the bottles is the worst way to deal with it. It's ok to have a glass every now and again but be open and honest about it.

It's ok to have it in the fridge occasionally. Show your DD that alcohol is fine if controlled and as a social thing every now and again. Don't show her that alcohol is some extreme shameful thing that needs to done alone and hidden!

Be honest with your husband about it.