Can’t shake the guilt I feel for choosing an only child

[Pinkbakewell]

My DS is 6 , soon to be 7 and an only child.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not trying/ that I didn’t try for a second.
My pregnancy was very straightforward , I did end up having a c-section, but I had no problems recovering.
I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I suffered extreme anxiety and depression post partum.

I’ve come to understand that having more than one just isn’t something I think I can cope with, especially when factoring in my mental health, a recent neurodiversity diagnosis, and the lack of local support (my family live almost 200 miles away)

And yet… the guilt creeps in.

I worry that my DS will be lonely. That one day he might ask, “Why didn’t I have a sibling?”—and I’ll see disappointment in his eyes. I worry he’ll feel like he missed out on something important. That somehow, I’ve failed him.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

A recent trigger for me is that a close friend of mine who I see often with her son (he’s also an only child) her son & mine have formed a close bond since they were very small and we both said it’s like having a surrogate sibling for them. There’s a year between them.
She has just told me that she’s 5 weeks pregnant. I guess it’s just thrown everything out in the open for me and made me question it all over again.

My son was never a good sleeper as a baby or toddler and only for the past 4 or 5 months he’s started sleeping all night in his own bed. Which is suddenly a relief.
I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

Can anyone offer some advice/solidarity? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that the ‘ideal’ is to have two or more children unless you are physically unable to.

I'm one and done. It took me ages to get pregnant, then I had a perfect textbook pregnancy (much to the amazement of medical personnel, so it seemed), then had a very protracted and difficult birth during which both DC and I were at risk of death.
I decided that having another wasn't a wise move.

When DC went to school, there were several only children in the same year group. It certainly wasn't something unusual.

DC has asked for a sibling once or twice. I explained that they'd have to share a room, or that we'd have to move to find an affordable house of the right size, and that we'd have less money to spend on them. I also (carefully) explained the risks from their own birth.

I don't feel guilty.

This is so weird. I know many very happy only children.

I have a sibling, they are an arse and we rarely speak. When DPs kick the bucket I also foresee it being very tense and possibly fallouts over money.

It is so much better for your child to have a happy healthy parent who can manage. You feel like you wouldn't cope, that would not be fair to your son or the future child. He doesn't need a sibling, he needs a Mum who is able to care for him well, which you are doing. Don't feel guilty, you are doing what's right.

We know loads of only children (ours included!) of the families who have more than one, yes I’m sure there are nice moments when the kids play together but there is also a lot of bickering and drama and refereeing.

it’s honestly not the be all and end all. If you think you’ll be happier only having one then please don’t pressure yourself to do something that your heart isn’t in.

plus there will be a massive age gap. They won’t play together and who knows what might happen in adulthood.

A friend from childhood - we're both now 67 - had the happiest childhood of anyone I know. She occasionally comments on it.

One thing her parents did was to encourage her to have friends to stay over - I began to be invited (we met as 11 year olds at secondary school and were in the same class from Y8) aged 12 and was often over there (we lived about 3 miles apart) for weekends throughout our school lives. We had amazing times together.

OP, there us no guarantee that a sibling will even get on with their older brother/sister - the antidote for loneliness is friends!

I'm am only child and I can't imagine having a sibling. I've just grown up without one, it's normal to me, totally fine, doesn't even cross my mind to be sad about it.

Would you feel as guilty if your child asked for a dog/phone/trip to the moon and was disappointed you said no? Kids sometimes want things they can't have but it doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing by not giving it to them.

It sounds like having one child is the right thing for you and your DC.

I had a second partly to give my DD a sibling and hopefully a friend (she has no cousins and I had a small social circle with few kids of her age). They have nothing in common, don’t spend any time together and his disability prevents us from doing a lot of things as a family she’d probably enjoy. As adults I doubt they’ll have much to do with each other. My friends’ 6 year old only child has an amazing social life!

I have three kids, but my eldest is autistic and often says that they wish they were an only child! There is a lot of noise, chaos and refereeing in our house. I hope they will all be close when they are older, but I know that there is no guarantee.
Given your diagnosis, I would also be mindful that another child might have some additional needs that would make life quite challenging for both you and your son.
Encourage friends, fun and activities. Having a happy and healthy mum is more significant than having a sibling.

In your shoes, having one child is absolutely the right decision. Your son will be completely fine

We have one child. Our "journey to parenthood" ended up including IVF and losses. We're actually a happy little team of 3. Our DC is 2.5 and sometimes we say "oh wouldn't it be great if he had someone to play with"... But then we remind ourselves that neither of us got along with our siblings as children and there was no playing nicely together!

We can afford for me to work 3 days with only one child and we can live in our little 3 bed house without feeling overcrowded. We can afford days out, swimming lessons, soft play. And we can also have our own peace and quiet time to recharge.

I had always thought I would have 2 children, but maybe that's just because I thought it was what people did. But I can't imagine it now.

OP, you sound like a really wise sensible woman.
My children all have close friends that are only children.
They are without a doubt the happiest, most content children.
Two have dogs that they adore.
They are so well adjusted and outgoing.

I know of many people with two children, one of each sex that are not close and never hung out.

A 7 year age gap is huge and will be possibly quite tricky and restrictive when the teen years arrive for holidays.

Your reasoning is solid.
Don't doubt yourself.
I suspect when you see the reality of the juggling involved with starting again you will quietly be absolutely happy with your decision.

As the teen years approach, yours could be the house that happily caters for sleep overs, pizza and movie nights, forging great friendships.

My youngest likes to host here as her friends have deeply annoy younger siblings and love the peace of this house.

I’m one & done for many reasons. However, I just wanted to let you know I was an only child and I loved it. Never bored, never felt lonely. I never longed for a sibling.

I do think it's nice to have a sibling if possible, but not where it would make the existing child's life worse. If due to a lack of time, money, energy or good physical or mental health you don't have capacity for more than one child then you should not have more than one child.

People who have children they can't provide for are the worst parents of all.

OP, I’m an only and absolutely love it.

I do remember asking for a sibling as a child (maybe 6 or 7, possibly younger, I can’t really remember) but it was more because that was the ‘done thing’ rather than actually deeply wanting one.

Now as an adult (and even once I was a teenager) I’m so grateful I was just one. I have a wonderful relationship with both my parents. Because they only had me they had the means to support me through uni/post grad life. There’s absolutely no lack of love or joy in our family. I’m also (I think, and friends and family have corroborated) not the horrible only child stereotype. I’m more than capable of sharing, loving, and thinking of others. That’s down to good parenting, not the having of a sibling.

If I have children it will be just one. I want to be able to give my all to one. Give them the wonderful life full of love I was.

I know my mum sometimes felt guilty about not having a second and me being an only. She has absolutely no reason to. There have been no negative affects on my life.

it’s far far more important to be able to give your child love, attention, support, good parenting and role models than it is a sibling. Please don’t feel guilt about them being an only, you sound like an incredibly intelligent and thoughtful woman who has battled with this decision and I’m sure that thoughtfulness and intellect is reflected in your parenting.

I'm a parent to an only child. Single but co-parenting well.

He's almost 6 and I'm almost 40 and very happily single so it wouldn't be on the cards anyway, but I also don't think that having a sibling would enrich his life enough to counteract the financial struggle it would be. He would lose experiences, opportunities and the quality time we get to spend together. He's such a happy kid!
I know enough people that no longer speak to their siblings that I'm under no illusion that having one is automatically a positive experience anyway.

Giving your child a happier, healthier, saner mother is a FAR better gift than a sibling he might not even get on with anyway.

You'll have to let go of the guilt because you’ll never know.

It’s hard to get an honest opinion about only children on MN because those who’ve chosen it as a life decision defensively talk about how great their child’s life is (usually ‘amazing holidays’ are the often quoted thing they benefit from, even though my holidays as an ‘only’ kid were jealously watching families with siblings playing together on the beach).

Those posters who were only children talk about loneliness and being left to deal with elderly parents but they’re also drowned out by an equal number of posters who talk about siblings they hated or had nothing in common with.

So it’s like the Robert Frost poem about the road not taken. You’ll never know what the circumstances are for both scenarios. It could be good, could be crap. Best to just count the blessings you have and not to dwell on it too much.

I'm an only child and I would never think badly of my Mum for just having one. I did sometimes want a sibling when I was a child, but I also wanted a castle and working fairy wings.

I have two children now and they fight all the time.

You sound like a lovely Mum.

My wife and I are both only children. Neither of us wish that we had siblings.

I wouldn't of had the amazing childhood I did, trips to Disney, expensive hobbies, much parents full and sole attention if there was more than one!

I have 2, now teenagers. The eldest has special needs and learning difficulties, they have nothing in common. Their development and interests are so vastly different they could easily belong to different families. I think my youngest pretty much feels like an only child because of it.

i wouldn’t worry!

I wished I was an only child, my youth was full of anxiety feeling like I was in competition with my sibling for love and attention and I compared myself a lot. I don't think siblings are necessary, we fought like cats and dogs!

There's no guarantee that your son and another sibling would even get on. Both my self and dh don't talk to our siblings , haven't done for years.

YABU to think another child is a good idea when you clearly are happy with one. You need to let go of the idea and find your decision to have one child completely valid.

Only children have better outcomes by almost every metric.

They're not lonely- they have closer friendships and closer relationships with their parents.