Can’t shake the guilt I feel for choosing an only child

[Pinkbakewell]

My DS is 6 , soon to be 7 and an only child.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not trying/ that I didn’t try for a second.
My pregnancy was very straightforward , I did end up having a c-section, but I had no problems recovering.
I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I suffered extreme anxiety and depression post partum.

I’ve come to understand that having more than one just isn’t something I think I can cope with, especially when factoring in my mental health, a recent neurodiversity diagnosis, and the lack of local support (my family live almost 200 miles away)

And yet… the guilt creeps in.

I worry that my DS will be lonely. That one day he might ask, “Why didn’t I have a sibling?”—and I’ll see disappointment in his eyes. I worry he’ll feel like he missed out on something important. That somehow, I’ve failed him.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

A recent trigger for me is that a close friend of mine who I see often with her son (he’s also an only child) her son & mine have formed a close bond since they were very small and we both said it’s like having a surrogate sibling for them. There’s a year between them.
She has just told me that she’s 5 weeks pregnant. I guess it’s just thrown everything out in the open for me and made me question it all over again.

My son was never a good sleeper as a baby or toddler and only for the past 4 or 5 months he’s started sleeping all night in his own bed. Which is suddenly a relief.
I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

Can anyone offer some advice/solidarity? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that the ‘ideal’ is to have two or more children unless you are physically unable to.

I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

your 2nd kid could have more than just a sleeping problem; autism, adhd, MH when a bit older etc. Just go through the SEN board here to understand what parents go through

if your kid’s sleeping issues drove you to a s$$$$$l point, I wouldn’t even contemplate, wouldn’t even bring up as a discussion point.

in any case based on your comments I’d speak to partner /family/GP for some support

Good luck

Are you sure he's not ND? It tends to run in families. If he is he might be like mine and absolutely prefer being an only child, especially as he gets older. DS is autistic, was a very poor sleeper and wasn't diagnosed till 11.

You're projecting your worries onto him, by the sounds of it he hasn't even mentioned it.

Read the research and stop worrying. Your child will be fine https://researchaddict.com/only-child-effects/

As an unhappy only child I can only say don't bother beating yourself up over it. You had/have your reasons - there's not being physically able but there's also not being mentally able - you're being smart and realistic. So move on. Things will likely be fine, maybe even really good. And be thankful you won't have the constant stupid noises and craziness from more than one potentially neurodiverse child driving you mad/into a sub optional parent.

My brother and I have never been close. We were very different. Please don't assume a child needs a sibling to be happy.

Perfectly content one and done here. Siblings are over rated and 40% of children are only children now.

People should only have multiple
children if they want more children in their own right. Creating a human being as a pet for someone else is entirely wrong. No-one
needs siblings.

My own brother and I were ok but never close as kids, and I see little of him as an adult
although we get on fine. We are just different people. My ex has 2 siblings and they are NC.

I am fond of my brothers now, but I know my childhood would have been better without them in it. My mum simply didn't have the resources (in many ways) to care for three, and I think we all suffered as a result.

OP, your reasoning is sound. And remember that there are no guarantees in life: giving your child siblings does not ensure they have love and companionship in childhood or adulthood. Stick to your guns.

I'm an only child and I often think how I would've actually found it quite traumatising having to share my grandparents or mother with another sibling.
I'm very grateful I'm an only child and although I know it'll be hard not having someone to share the load with when my parent dies and I'm in the throes of grief, I really think it would've been quite awful for me to have had a sibling growing up.

I think you are being very sensible with your decision especially with the compounding issues. I don't think your son would thank you long-term for introducing a sibling with a 7 year age gap.

Exactly this.

Whilst I don’t relate to wanting an only child (I plan to have 4!), I think there’s absolutely nothing for you to feel guilty about.

If you have one child who is loved and cared for you should be proud of him and of yourself for the parent who are to him. It takes a good parent to know what you can cope with, and to not bring another life into the world if you don’t think you could be the sort of parent you’d want to him or her.

Your son may wish he had a sibling, but it will not be something that holds him back or severely disadvantages him in any way. If he’s got you and his dad to love him, guide him and provide for him then he will likely grow into a fine young man one day with or without a sibling.

Thanks for all your replies. I also see a therapist once a week so I may bring it up with her.
Quite a few of my son’s classmates and a couple of kids from beavers are also only children.
It doesn’t help as my parents are constantly on about how much he’d benefit from a sibling and my mother is always dropping ‘non subtle’ hints.

45% of dependent children in the UK are only children.

It is now the most common family size.

You need to firmly tell your mother once and for all to stop, or you will no longer visit.
She is extremely rude.
Your choices are none of her business.
This is no doubt where a lot of your anxiety stems from.

See less of her. If she mentions it, gather your stuff immediately an leave.
You do not have to tolerate such rudeness.
Your reproductive choices are really nothing to do with her.

Ds is an only, and has definitely had times when he longed for a sibling. But his dad was very ill and neither of us felt able to cope having more. As a whole family it was the best choice for us. I think ds is happy enough tbh, its OK.

You absolutely do not need to feel guilty!!

I felt guilty for having a second child, for years!! I kept thinking DS1 would have rather not have had a sibling! and now his attention was split!

We can't win! There is always something to feel guilty about! Don't!

Your child is lucky they have you to love them!

I’m one and done. She was diagnosed ASD at 14 and I am also self diagnosed late in life. She would hate a sibling, loves being an only child. Our house is quiet and peaceful, our routine revolves around DDs needs (and these days, to some extent, mine). So pleased we didn’t have a second!

My son is an only child. He's mid twenties now.
I had wanted more but had miscarriages and then also realised I had an abusive prick for a husband so I left him and so having another never happened.
I can't imagine how life would have been if I'd had more children.

My DS was always happy and funny and never had to share my attention or time with anyone else. He had friends at school, including other children who had no siblings either. He's still best friends with two of them despite them all going off in separate directions after leaving school, they still get back together most weekends.

I felt guilty at the time too, but everything was just fine. And there's a fair chance if he'd had siblings they would have just annoyed him and they wouldn't have got on anyway. I didn't get on with mine and we're don't speak to each other these days.

I’m an only and I never felt a huge desire for siblings growing up and generally feel it’s been better being an only (lots of attention, no “who gets what” issues, very close relationship with parents etc). I had close friends and didn’t feel I missed out.

The only slight negative is now I’m older I feel I bit sad that I’ll have no relations left of my generation or older when they’re gone and no one to share the potential needs of their old age with. But I think I’d still have chosen this if it had been my choice.

Please don’t feel guilty. I’m sure you all have a lovely family life and your DC is lucky to have you. As many have said there are absolutely no guarantees that a sibling relationship works out and you can’t compare your current situation an the imaginary ideal.

You feeling guilty could actually be the thing that causes the most issues with having an only. I have several friends and family with one child and the main problem is that they do tend to put the child first a bit too much. They are aware of the “they have to learn to share” scenario, but it’s embedded in their everyday lives that the child is always put first for anything other than the most important things. It’s natural, everyone wants to make their child happy, but when there isn’t another equally important child with different wants to have to balance, that leads to the child never really having to take anyone else into account and it shows. I can see the parent feeling guilty about the lack of sibling exacerbating that even more.

Only child here. Would have hated siblings.

Why would a sibling necessarily be company? More likely it would feel like an annoying competitor for a parents affection. And later on, just a general pain in the arse. You don't want to be studying for exams with a child in the home kicking off for a start.

In adulthood it might be nice but I don't think I'd want the trade off of things that could go wrong. Eg, them being an arsehole and having to keep seeing them at family affairs.

Has your child expressed any real desire or even mild intersect in siblings? Otherwise, let it go. You'd only be creating their competition.

@Sodthesystem
No, he hasn’t as yet expressed any desire for siblings but I’m worried once my friend has her baby, as my DS and her DS are close, he will possibly start asking why he hasn’t got one.

There's never any guarantee of that. But good friendships are worth a lot.

I'm an only child and this post makes me really sad. I had the best childhood, loads of friends and have done very well for myself thanks to my wonderful parents. I overheard these 2 women talking once saying having just one child is equal to child abuse and it made me so angry. I never missed having a sibling. I think people imagine it being like having siblings and then having them taken away - it isn't! You do what's right for your family. I have plenty of friends with siblings who have bad relationships and issues. It depends on what works for your family.

I’m an only, I’m also the daughter of an only & the mother of an only. I’d say there are pluses and minuses to both. I’ve never felt guilty though.

There's never any guarantee he will have a good relationship with siblings either.