Can’t shake the guilt I feel for choosing an only child

[Pinkbakewell]

My DS is 6 , soon to be 7 and an only child.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not trying/ that I didn’t try for a second.
My pregnancy was very straightforward , I did end up having a c-section, but I had no problems recovering.
I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I suffered extreme anxiety and depression post partum.

I’ve come to understand that having more than one just isn’t something I think I can cope with, especially when factoring in my mental health, a recent neurodiversity diagnosis, and the lack of local support (my family live almost 200 miles away)

And yet… the guilt creeps in.

I worry that my DS will be lonely. That one day he might ask, “Why didn’t I have a sibling?”—and I’ll see disappointment in his eyes. I worry he’ll feel like he missed out on something important. That somehow, I’ve failed him.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

A recent trigger for me is that a close friend of mine who I see often with her son (he’s also an only child) her son & mine have formed a close bond since they were very small and we both said it’s like having a surrogate sibling for them. There’s a year between them.
She has just told me that she’s 5 weeks pregnant. I guess it’s just thrown everything out in the open for me and made me question it all over again.

My son was never a good sleeper as a baby or toddler and only for the past 4 or 5 months he’s started sleeping all night in his own bed. Which is suddenly a relief.
I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

Can anyone offer some advice/solidarity? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that the ‘ideal’ is to have two or more children unless you are physically unable to.

I’m just scared he’ll resent me when he’s an adult and I’m also getting pangs of guilt when I see other children with their siblings.
It’s the what ifs for me - it could be perfect or it could all end in tears. I wish I had a crystal ball to see which way it could potentially go.

The what ifs exist either way though. A guy I was in school with is dead because his brother had an affair with his wife and he killed himself.

An extreme example, but life is one long series of what ifs.

It’s perspective OP - focus on the positives! Loads of positives to being an only. Financial, attention, can have loads of friends round to play all the time etc.

I have 3 and if I was to look at the negatives I too would get down on myself like you are about having 1. Not as much attention, not as much money, not as much time. But I choose to focus on the multiple positives.

I have one child. We actively chose to not to try for another child for many reasons.
I hated being pregnant, the cost and impact on my career were the main issues for me.

We've made sure DS has a wide network of friends and hobbies so he's sociable and great with people. He asked a few times about a sibling when he was younger and we just explained that we were happy with one child and talked about how lucky he was to have great cousins/friends etc and discussed the benefits of being an only child. He never even mentions it now unless it's to say how annoying his friends younger siblings are and how much he likes having his own space at home!

DS is 11 and we discuss life choices and we make it clear that families choose what is right for them and there is no right and wrong. This has included the choice to just have one child and my choice to work full time ( most of his friends mums work part time). We're honest about our choices and don't dwell on the 'what ifs'!

Hey just wanted to thank you for sharing this thread. Our little boy and we’re one and done after three miscarriages and a suspected ectopic. Last loss was in May at ten weeks - missed miscarriage, had surgery and what was promised to be straight forward resulted in way more blood loss then anticipated and I was very sick for weeks after. Honestly it broke me to a point I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over it and the short and sweet is my body just cannot do a pregnancy and loss again. I turn 39 shortly after Xmas and husband turns 43, we are shattered. Ten years in the journey. Could go down the route of ivf, but I just know we’re done. Have decided to not keep putting me through the stress and risks of it all, and my husband through the worry and trauma any more. We are visibly relieved, but grappling with guilt and anxiety at “giving up” - me especially. I worry I am being weak and selfish, but then I imagine if someone else in my shoes said this back to me, how utterly ridiculous Id think they were.

anyway rambling but I’m working with a counsellor to accept and make peace of how things have worked out. I get anxious but then I remember how troubled having three siblings is, the constant bickering and competition, and how peaceful and self assured but kind my only child husband is. And I realise we just can’t guarantee anything in life. Siblings could be awful, or they could be great. Either way it’s not worth me worrying about. What I am determined to do is heal, get my mental and physical health in order and give my little man the best childhood and life I possibly can. Already looking at going part time when he’s in school. Just so many more options I never thought I’d have. Anyway food for thought. I hope you’ve found peace with your decision OP. X