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Original poster

Can’t shake the guilt I feel for choosing an only child

105 replies

Pinkbakewell · 01/06/2025 10:57

My DS is 6 , soon to be 7 and an only child.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not trying/ that I didn’t try for a second.
My pregnancy was very straightforward , I did end up having a c-section, but I had no problems recovering.
I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I suffered extreme anxiety and depression post partum.

I’ve come to understand that having more than one just isn’t something I think I can cope with, especially when factoring in my mental health, a recent neurodiversity diagnosis, and the lack of local support (my family live almost 200 miles away)

And yet… the guilt creeps in.

I worry that my DS will be lonely. That one day he might ask, “Why didn’t I have a sibling?”—and I’ll see disappointment in his eyes. I worry he’ll feel like he missed out on something important. That somehow, I’ve failed him.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

A recent trigger for me is that a close friend of mine who I see often with her son (he’s also an only child) her son & mine have formed a close bond since they were very small and we both said it’s like having a surrogate sibling for them. There’s a year between them.
She has just told me that she’s 5 weeks pregnant. I guess it’s just thrown everything out in the open for me and made me question it all over again.

My son was never a good sleeper as a baby or toddler and only for the past 4 or 5 months he’s started sleeping all night in his own bed. Which is suddenly a relief.
I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

Can anyone offer some advice/solidarity? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that the ‘ideal’ is to have two or more children unless you are physically unable to.

OP posts:
UnaOfStormhold · 01/06/2025 12:42

Try reading 'Parenting your only child' - it really helped me both in dealing with the guilt dispelling some of the myths and coming up with practical strategies for making the most of the potential advantages and offsetting the potential disadvantages.

Mumofteenandtween · 01/06/2025 12:42

It is incredibly difficult for someone with a sibling to accurately imagine being an only child. For me to be an only child that would mean “No Dan” and so my brain immediately goes to “but what has happened to Dan - did Dan die - I don’t want Dan to be dead - it must be awful to be an only child with Dead Dan”

I just can’t fully fathom the idea of “No Dan” without it becoming a tragedy.

The irony is that Dan and I are not even particularly close. We love each other but we are two very different people who live two very different lives at opposite ends of the country. I love him but if he wasn’t my brother I probably wouldn’t choose him as a friend.

Goodadvice1980 · 01/06/2025 12:43

Only child here OP & I love it! Don’t feel guilty OP, I am happy to be an only child 👍

SwedishSayna · 01/06/2025 12:53

I totally get where you're coming from OP and often feel similar but you've made a really good decision that's in your DSs interests as well as your own (and there would be NOTHING wrong with making the decision in your interests alone!). It sounds like you feel you didn't have "enough of a reason" not to have a second child but that's the cultural expectation talking that wants women to have at least 2 kids and the consequences for them be damned. Your son is loved and cared for, he has everything he needs.

Best to have an answer ready if the topic comes up with DS. I usually say I don't want any more babies, you are enough for me and I love all the time we can spend together.

Maybe you have some feelings of loss, disappointment or anger to work through?

TheNinny · 01/06/2025 12:54

My DC is an only however the majority in her class (P1) are also only’s. It’s a rural area and so small class size but I was surprised to see this. It’s definitely becoming more normal, even the norm is some places

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 01/06/2025 12:57

My dd is a young adult now. She wasn't an only child by choice but it's the way things worked out, and I wouldn't actually have it any other way now. She is happy, confident, considerate and finds it very easy to make friends. I've asked her if she has ever wished that she had a sibling, and she says that she can't miss what she never had. She knows that some siblings get on and some don't, so there's no way of knowing what would have happened if we'd had another dc.

Chilliandbanana · 01/06/2025 12:58

OP you sound like a lovely mum who has made the right decision for your family. I am an only child and I had a great childhood. As I have gone through life I have wondered what it would have been like if I had siblings. I married into a big family and have had 3 of my own now so don’t think about it too much anymore. As PP have said there is no guarantee that siblings would get on. Definitely don’t feel guilty, lots of content only children on this thread 😊

RedRobyn24 · 01/06/2025 13:03

Not to diminish your feelings at all, but you’ve done nothing wrong with just having one. I am one. You are doing a fantastic job and I think it’s actually very sensible that you’ve been honest with yourself and stopped at one. I’ve just had another, my eldest is 4 and I feel guilty that I’ve had another, I grieve it just being us. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t, the truth is he will be absolutely fine and he doesn’t need a sibling, especially if his mother doesn’t want one xx

LastPostISwear · 01/06/2025 13:08

I had one biological child too, with only much older step siblings. I couldn’t handle two either; that’s why I got my tubes removed. It would be nice for DD to have someone close to play and grow up with, but I’d be doing a disservice to both children if I had another one. I just find her other little kids to play with as often as I can.

On the bright side, your DC gets all of your parental attention, time and resources; it’s not divided and shared between siblings.

Iheartmysmart · 01/06/2025 13:09

I was one and done. Hated being pregnant, had a rubbish birth and realised fairly early on that parenting wasn’t for me. DS is now grown up and says he had a wonderful childhood, and has some great memories of the places we travelled and the opportunities he had that simply wouldn’t have been possible if he had siblings.

On the other hand, I’m one of three and we’ve never got on. Even now in our mid to late fifties, we still argue!

Imintruugednow2025 · 01/06/2025 13:12

Pinkbakewell · 01/06/2025 10:57

My DS is 6 , soon to be 7 and an only child.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not trying/ that I didn’t try for a second.
My pregnancy was very straightforward , I did end up having a c-section, but I had no problems recovering.
I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I suffered extreme anxiety and depression post partum.

I’ve come to understand that having more than one just isn’t something I think I can cope with, especially when factoring in my mental health, a recent neurodiversity diagnosis, and the lack of local support (my family live almost 200 miles away)

And yet… the guilt creeps in.

I worry that my DS will be lonely. That one day he might ask, “Why didn’t I have a sibling?”—and I’ll see disappointment in his eyes. I worry he’ll feel like he missed out on something important. That somehow, I’ve failed him.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

A recent trigger for me is that a close friend of mine who I see often with her son (he’s also an only child) her son & mine have formed a close bond since they were very small and we both said it’s like having a surrogate sibling for them. There’s a year between them.
She has just told me that she’s 5 weeks pregnant. I guess it’s just thrown everything out in the open for me and made me question it all over again.

My son was never a good sleeper as a baby or toddler and only for the past 4 or 5 months he’s started sleeping all night in his own bed. Which is suddenly a relief.
I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

Can anyone offer some advice/solidarity? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that the ‘ideal’ is to have two or more children unless you are physically unable to.

To be fair, a 7 year old and a newborn wouldn't really be doing much together anyway..... by the time you had a 2 year old you'd have a 9 year old getting stressed with a bossy toddler.... you'd have a 12 year old with a 5 year old,

My mum had me and 2 of my sisters all within 3 years..... then she had another baby when we were 7 8 and 9..... and even now, none of us are close with her.

Too much of an age gap, not a lot in common.... and she's just always been so immature compared to us ( which obviously she would, with the age gap )

I know it hurts her we are not as close with her. But she has always been annoying and that has carried on as we have grown up

Mu kids are 8 and 10 now amd I'd like another, but I'm under no illusion that they'd be close if I did.

DancingLions · 01/06/2025 13:21

I wish I'd been an only. My mum had my sibling when I was 5. She then developed pnd which was never treated (this was in the 70s) and our lives were miserable thereafter. I've seen photos of me up to age 5 where I look happy and well cared for. The photos past that age tell a different story.

I was always expected to entertain my sibling, when I just wanted to do my own thing. As adults, my sibling is quite a burden to me, as they have quite severe MH issues. But I feel a sense of duty to try and help them.

With all the kindness in the world, given all you've said, i think having another child would do more harm than good to your existing child.

Even in an ideal scenario, many siblings aren't close as adults. I had 2 DC who are now adults. Yes they love each other and care about each other. But on a day to day basis, they don't actually do anything together. They never just chat or hang out, unless we're all together. There's been no drama or falling out but they are opposite sex and very different people.

They only really played together from the ages of around 3/4 to 8/9 (there was 18 months between them). Your DS is already nearly 7. He'd be heading into high school before any sibling was 3 or 4. He's not going to be interested tbh. You really have no reason to feel any guilt.

Endofyear · 01/06/2025 13:25

I have friends who are only children and they are lovely, happy well-adjusted adults. Honestly, please don't feel guilty! There are pros and cons for only children and for having siblings, no-one has a perfect life. Siblings don't always get on. I have 5 children and have at times felt guilty that they didn't each get enough individual attention (although I tried my absolute best to make sure they did) Only children might at times feel lonely and they don't have siblings to share the worries of caring for elderly parents later in life (although there's no guarantees siblings would help anyway!)

I think as long as you make sure your son has plenty of friends over to play and you encourage socialising, he will be fine. And you will have a close relationship with him which is lovely.

Didimum · 01/06/2025 13:28

You have an obligation to care for your children, OP. To safeguard their physical and mental wellbeing and to prepare them for adulthood. Nowhere is that is to provide a sibling for them. This is YOUR life, not theirs.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/06/2025 13:48

What on earth is the problem with being an only child?

Smallhaircut · 01/06/2025 13:50

No advice, just solidarity! OP I could have written this myself (although my child is only 3). I have been feeling increasing pressure to have another and have discussed it with my DH who is very much on the fence. I constantly feel overstimulated, and although I love my DC more than anything in the world, the thought of another doesn’t make me excited - it fills me dread!
But, like you, I feel so very guilty as if I’m not a proper mother and I’m being cruel to my child. I’ve had a comment from a friend’s mum at her baby shower that not giving a child a sibling is the “cruelest thing you can do to a child” which upset me so much.
I constantly worry that she will be lonely and unhappy and it will be all my fault. People do react oddly when you say you don’t want any more children so it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong.

Original poster
Pinkbakewell · 01/06/2025 13:52

We have enrolled him in beavers, judo, swimming lessons and I take him to meet with friends a lot if possible.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 01/06/2025 13:58

Smallhaircut · 01/06/2025 13:50

No advice, just solidarity! OP I could have written this myself (although my child is only 3). I have been feeling increasing pressure to have another and have discussed it with my DH who is very much on the fence. I constantly feel overstimulated, and although I love my DC more than anything in the world, the thought of another doesn’t make me excited - it fills me dread!
But, like you, I feel so very guilty as if I’m not a proper mother and I’m being cruel to my child. I’ve had a comment from a friend’s mum at her baby shower that not giving a child a sibling is the “cruelest thing you can do to a child” which upset me so much.
I constantly worry that she will be lonely and unhappy and it will be all my fault. People do react oddly when you say you don’t want any more children so it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong.

I have a brother 3 years older than me. The last time I saw him was at our Dad's funeral 3 years ago. We don't speak or message. Apart from accident of birth, we have nothing in common whatsoever.

Parents do NOT have any sort of 'duty' to give their child a sibling and it's not remotely "cruel" not to do so. I wonder how those parents who have only been able to birth one child feel when they hear that awful comment about it being "cruel" not to have another one?

Snowdropsaremyfavourite · 01/06/2025 13:59

Please don't feel guilty. Siblings don't always get along and at least by having one, you can give them all of your attention, go places they want to go, help with their homework in peace. Having more than one child is incredibly stressful. In my experience, I'm either trying to chop myself in half in a bid to please everyone, trying to find a compromise or playing referee because they won't stop arguing. Going out has been incredibly difficult. No-one can ever agree on places to eat out, where to go or what film to watch in the cinema. My children have completely different personalities, tastes in food and film. Someone is always upset when we go out, usually me from the stress of it all!

BusMumsHoliday · 01/06/2025 14:01

I know lots of happy only children - kids and adults. I know lots of people who have really shit relationships with their siblings in childhood and adulthood, or who have operated basically as only children because their siblings were no help in family crises, stressful times etc. My own DM loves her brothers and they are quite close but I think her life would be a lot easier without them.

chillipopcorn1 · 01/06/2025 14:07

I have taught many very happy only children! It sounds like you did absolutely the right thing for your mental health and wellbeing. Having a happy, thriving parent is the most important thing for a child to be happy and settled. Enjoy all the wonderful things about being a tight unit of three and don’t let off hand comments by idiots knock you from what you know is the right thing for you guys.

Cordroy · 01/06/2025 14:17

Ok I know who an adult only child who is

confident
popular
decent person
sociable
loads of good friends

loves her parents to bits which suggests good childhood

good looking and the kind of girl/woman people fancy and could attract all the sought after, good looking males - I know this is luck

seems to have had a fabulous life thus far

I’ll just leave that there.

Okbyethen · 01/06/2025 14:24

My son is 11 and an only. Wasn't by choice, tried for years for number 2 but it never happened.
He's perfectly happy though and the plus side is we can give him everything and more including our undivided attention and several lovely holidays a year that we couldn't afford with 2.

Try to focus on the positives 😊

Mydogmylife · 01/06/2025 14:27

im an only - couldn’t have been happier and didn’t think twice about not having siblings . Don’t anticipate trouble , expecting that your child will miss not having siblings - I didn’t ! Just be the best mum that you can and all will be well

AnnieAzul · 01/06/2025 14:29

Pinkbakewell · 01/06/2025 10:57

My DS is 6 , soon to be 7 and an only child.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not trying/ that I didn’t try for a second.
My pregnancy was very straightforward , I did end up having a c-section, but I had no problems recovering.
I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I suffered extreme anxiety and depression post partum.

I’ve come to understand that having more than one just isn’t something I think I can cope with, especially when factoring in my mental health, a recent neurodiversity diagnosis, and the lack of local support (my family live almost 200 miles away)

And yet… the guilt creeps in.

I worry that my DS will be lonely. That one day he might ask, “Why didn’t I have a sibling?”—and I’ll see disappointment in his eyes. I worry he’ll feel like he missed out on something important. That somehow, I’ve failed him.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

A recent trigger for me is that a close friend of mine who I see often with her son (he’s also an only child) her son & mine have formed a close bond since they were very small and we both said it’s like having a surrogate sibling for them. There’s a year between them.
She has just told me that she’s 5 weeks pregnant. I guess it’s just thrown everything out in the open for me and made me question it all over again.

My son was never a good sleeper as a baby or toddler and only for the past 4 or 5 months he’s started sleeping all night in his own bed. Which is suddenly a relief.
I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

Can anyone offer some advice/solidarity? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that the ‘ideal’ is to have two or more children unless you are physically unable to.

Why will he be lonely.
Will he not have a family of his own in about 20-30 years?