Can’t shake the guilt I feel for choosing an only child

[Pinkbakewell]

My DS is 6 , soon to be 7 and an only child.

I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not trying/ that I didn’t try for a second.
My pregnancy was very straightforward , I did end up having a c-section, but I had no problems recovering.
I’ve since been diagnosed with autism and ADHD and I suffered extreme anxiety and depression post partum.

I’ve come to understand that having more than one just isn’t something I think I can cope with, especially when factoring in my mental health, a recent neurodiversity diagnosis, and the lack of local support (my family live almost 200 miles away)

And yet… the guilt creeps in.

I worry that my DS will be lonely. That one day he might ask, “Why didn’t I have a sibling?”—and I’ll see disappointment in his eyes. I worry he’ll feel like he missed out on something important. That somehow, I’ve failed him.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

A recent trigger for me is that a close friend of mine who I see often with her son (he’s also an only child) her son & mine have formed a close bond since they were very small and we both said it’s like having a surrogate sibling for them. There’s a year between them.
She has just told me that she’s 5 weeks pregnant. I guess it’s just thrown everything out in the open for me and made me question it all over again.

My son was never a good sleeper as a baby or toddler and only for the past 4 or 5 months he’s started sleeping all night in his own bed. Which is suddenly a relief.
I’m scared that if I decide to have another baby he or she could be a worse sleeper than my DS and I’m not sure I could manage in those circumstances. A few times I’ve actually been suicidal.

Can anyone offer some advice/solidarity? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that the ‘ideal’ is to have two or more children unless you are physically unable to.

Having siblings isn’t all it’s cracked up to be op honestly, there are so many pros to being an only child and I’d say the fact your dc has formed a good relationship with another dc means he’s well balanced and happy.

Don’t be hard on yourself you sound like such a good mother.

@Pinkbakewell I am the only child of two only children. Therefore, no aunts, uncles or cousins. I worried me greatly when I was younger that I might one day be all alone and made me determined to have more than one child. It proved quite a feat as we had secondary infertility but it drive me on. Fortunately our grown up children are very close.

DH is one of three and I thought it was wonderful and really hoped to be part of a bigger family and that the DC would ha e cousins as I never did.

The reality is that things don't turn out as you expect. DH's sisters live abroad and have nothing in common with DH except genes. We see one sister about every five years and the other a out every ten. Neither are bothered about their mother and one didn't bother to come home for her father's funeral. DH does everything for his mum. He visits, co-ordinates carers, etc. I have no doubt the sisters will be here on the earliest available flight when MIL dies to claim their third.

I wanted sibs very much as a child and young adult. Life has taught me they aren't everything they are cracked up to be. Also neither of the sibs are that good at social stuff, both are selfish and a bit greedy so the sharing aspect isn't always true.

You have made a nice, stable life for your son. Having another might be challenging for you. I wouldn’t and don't think you or your son need it.

People who give strong opinions against having just one child are incredibly rude and not worth listening to. They have no idea what your circumstances are. Having children is incredibly hard physically and mentally and frankly, it just isn't for everyone. I'm a perfectly good mother to my daughter but I'd be a crap parent to any more. You don't know this until you have one.

Then of course there are plenty who can't have any more by choice, either medically or perhaps a separation. At this point opinions about this are completely irrelevant and rude.

In a nutshell, stop feeling guilty. There are three people in your family and the parents' wants and needs are just as valid as your child's, if not moreso at this stage.

I’m having exactly this money scenario atm.

There is a lot to be said for only having one child. I honestly wish my parents had had only had one child - my childhood would indubitably been a lot better.

I’m exactly the same as this poster - only of onlies and this post really does nail it OP!

It took me 2.5 years to fall pregnant with my daughter who is nearly 6.
No sign of another pregnancy….we’re coming to our cut off age!
I feel sad that I haven’t been able to fall pregnant again and frustrated that my body isn’t doing as it’s told. But I’m going to carry zero guilt about a sibling. You know your limits OP, there are plenty of people who have 1 child for plenty of reasons! Having a sibling doesn’t mean they automatically get on and stay in touch throughout their lives.

I think I voted incorrectly - I said YANBU but I meant YABU for worrying about it (although I understand). I had one sibling, an older brother, who bullied me mercilessly, causing me massive trauma and anxiety which I still deal with to this day. I don't speak to him now. My mother suffered from PTSD and anxiety and having two children was too overwhelming and difficult for her, I think. It was really hard growing up with a deeply stressed and unhappy mother in a tense, unpredictable home environment. Keep looking after your mental health and wellbeing and your son will be fine.

My husband is an only child and he told me he never wanted a sibling, even though his mother asked him once if he wanted one. He always jokes with his parents that he is their Number One Son :) He had cousins who he was close with and played with them a lot growing up.

I’ve seen so many good outcomes with onlies that I’m totally convinced kids don’t need siblings - even though the latter can be a lovely blessing

all kids need are emotionally mature parents sad the space to be their own person

this applies to online as well as kids with siblings

I’m an only child and so is my daughter.
I am absolutely positive there is no disadvantage to it!
Look at all the posts on MN highlighting sibling quarrels for a start.
When my elderly parents passed away I had the support of my husband and friends and all decisions regarding their care was down to me, no issues with siblings wanting something different.
we always made sure that ours was an open house and my daughters friends were always welcome and many appreciated the calm and extra attention they got here!
Don't be guilty, be grateful.

I am an only and have an only. He is 18 now and we are very close. I did want another but it didn’t happen and my now ex wasn’t bothered enough to have tests. We split when DS was 11 and now I am glad to just have the one as it would have been harder financially with 2.

I do sometimes wish DS had more family in his life (older relatives) and went through a spell after loosing my mum and close aunt when I would get upset by Christmas adverts with the big family gatherings. However I am past that now and that really was out of my hands. My mum was one of 3 and my dad one of 7 but once the kids (my cousins) grew up and the grandparents were dead, we get on but only see each other at weddings and funerals.

We used to book holidays where we knew DS would make friends and I have always welcomed his friends into our home. My friend has a lovely bond with her siblings but my ex and his brother barely see each other after his mum passed. There is no guarantee siblings will get on. When my mum was ill making decisions about her care was much easier as an only. I have seen in real life and read many posts about families falling out about who is or isn’t doing enough or how and where elderly parents should be cared for.

In the present day, enjoy your child. You can give them more attention and afford to do more things with them if you stick to one. That aside from the very valid reason of looking after your own mental health which also benefits your child immeasurably. Like everything there are pros and cons and no right or wrong, only what is right for you.

As much as I'm obviously dreading the decline of my parents' health, I'm also dreading handling it alongside my two brothers, one of which is an awkward so-so. He will find any excuse not to help, I just know it.
Having siblings isn't always the best thing. I never got on with either of mine and I'm slowly starting to realise just how badly same said sibling bullied me growing up.

It’s fine to have an only child. My much older sibling left to go in to the army when I was very young, so most of my childhood was pretty much the life of an only child. Yeah… it was good. Had some holidays, had my own room, had days out, had parents undivided attention. So did my friends with siblings living with them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Mum to an only child. Unfortunately it's the way life goes. My DC does still ask for a sibling however it was circumstances and I've not met anybody since.

Shoulda woulda coulda!

I mean there's pros and cons to being an only child, same as there is to children with siblings.

autism is connected to genetics ,so having another one makes more people with autism be ok with your child love is the main thing in thier lives 😍

I have a 7 year old DD and felt the same way you do until about 6 months ago when the guilt lifted. I too have mental health problems and having a second would be the straw that breaks the camel's back. DD used to ask for a sibling but as with most 'phases' that one passed too. I'm happy as I am and doing my very best for DD. She's happy and she has a good life. She'll be fine as an only..and I'm sure your son will be too.

I was once part of a conversation before I even had my son and the person in question said that to have one child is cruel, you may as well have none at all. This has stayed with me.

This is pernicious bullshit, and the person peddling it is a dick.

I’m an only, and happily so. I know my parents didn’t make a conscious decision to stick with one, but that’s how things played out, and I have certainly never missed what I haven’t had. The one thing that would be nice now, in older age, is to have a sibling to share the looking-after of an older parent, but there’s no guarantee that they would - partner’s siblings completely swerved helping when we had his father live with us. And anyway, it’s a privilege to be able to pay some of the care that I’ve received (and still receive) back.

Give yourself a break, OP, being an only has some lovely advantages. I’ve always been good at keeping myself entertained, and am pretty self-reliant. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’ve got this.

I always worried about dd having to deal with our old age by herself. Now that I'm in the phase of life where I need to care for my dad, dd says that she is really glad that she doesn't have a sibling because she is furious with my dsis for not stepping up more to help. She feels that she at least won't have to deal with any resentment about the other person not pulling their weight.

I have to say, partners’ siblings’ lack of help was an eye-opener. One declared at the outset that he wouldn’t, the other did one respite weekend, then confected a disagreement in order to flounce off - and stay flounced until FIL had died. Dicks. One is now dead, the other NC, and I suspect entirely alone in life, but definitely reaping what they sowed.

I wonder if childhood gives us an idealised view of siblings. Most of my childhood friends got along with their siblings, whereas most of my adult friends don’t, and seem to range from bland indifference to outright loathing. And yes, the need to give parental care/support shone a very harsh light on at least one friend’s sibling relationship. Your dad is lucky to have you.

Thank you. I do what I can for my dad because I want to. I don't actually share my dd's rage with my dsis because she also does what she can in her own way, it just isn't the same as what I do. I think dd feels aggrieved on my behalf that it isn't a more even split, but I watched my own mum do more for her dad than either of her siblings, so I guess i just accept that it's just the way things go sometimes. We all have to make our own choices.

I actually on pretty well with my dsis overall (as long as I see her in relatively small doses!) but she doesn't feature heavily in my life - my support network is really built around my DH and my friends. So in that sense, I never really worry about dd missing out.

He won't be lonely. He's at school. He has friends. Lots of siblings loathe each other or are, at best, indifferent. I haven't seen my sibling for 25+ years, which is absolutely fine.
You do what us best for you, OP - your child needs a happy mother much more than he needs a sibling.

I do wish on these threads that it wouldn’t always descend into ‘stick with one, having siblings is shit’. Having one is a perfectly valid choice. I know literally loads of onlies. There are advantages. But as one of three and having three myself, life doesn’t become a hellscape with more than one. In fact, it’s rather fun and wonderful. They don’t all hate each other, I’m not a physical and emotional wreck, we’re not impoverished and regretting our life choices. I understand saying one is fine - it is. But everything doesn’t suddenly fall apart if you have a second. I don’t think it’s healthy or helpful to keep catastrophising!

It’s not better or worse to be an only child it’s just the family you have. I’d have as many as you want @Pinkbakewell and let your child do the same.

I grew up one of four children, and I loved it, even if me and my little sister were often at eachother's throats when we were kids!

But after having my first, I knew I didn't want any more. As it turns out, my son much prefers to be my only child, even though he has a step-brother he loves dearly.

You only have to look at some of the threads on here to see how siblings don't necessarily get on.

There is no right or wrong, or particular expectation, so do whatever you want to, OP.