To think asking people if they have grandchildren is like asking if they are pregnant - just don't!

[Liesmorelies]

I was talking to a colleague last week and she suddenly asked if I had grandchildren. I think she already knew I had children but not their ages - I don't know her well and we weren't discussing our children at the time.

It really took me aback and, I admit, offended me a bit. I'm 49 and have been told a few times I look younger. Not because I'm so attractive (I'm not!) but my skin is pretty good and no grey hair and, while I'm quite insecure about my looks, looking older than I am is not among them. Or wasn't. It is now.

I know you can have gc at 49 but it's quite unusual and no one where I work who is the same age as me has gc- all have dc around the same age as mine (late teens).

If someone was clearly in their 40s/50s but I wasn't sure of their age I just wouldn't ask it unless I knew for a fact they had adult dc, just like I wouldn't ask if someone was pregnant just because their figure suggested they might be!

It also makes me worry that she was being a bit snide, which is also an upsetting thought.

What a strange thing to say.

Or prefer to have children first and establish a career afterwards. Which is sometimes quite sensible, you can leapfrog over other women the same age as you who are bogged down in mat leave and child care.

What a bizarrely ignorant comment. Biologically it makes more sense to have children first tbh. I worked part time after having my son young and still managed to climb the career ladder swiftly. So did many of my friends.
I think possibly because we all obtained very good degrees first but it certainly wasn't a lack of ambition that made us have children young, more a recognition that biologically it's a more sensible time to do so. (And, I guess, most of us had parents who helped us buy our first homes, but that isn't that unusual)

Its not about career, it's about travel, having fun, personal growth and having experiences before being bogged down with responsibilities. After school and uni, you only have a few years so actually 'live' your life and enjoy it.

Plus I found employers were happy to promote me, even working part time, because they could see how driven and mature I was, and they knew I had the maternity leave years out of the way before I was going into the kind of senior role where cover is very tricky to find

You can do all those things in your 30s, 40s, 50s. I know. I’ve done it.

Oh for goodness sake! 🙄

What’s your job?

What, I didn't realise life stops when we have children! What a strange way to live. I have had a blast travelling with mine. We've been all over the place. I've also found parenthood a lot of fun, and my "personal growth" didn't stop either.

Sounds like some people see life ending with parenthood. Fascinating.

Exactly that.

I'm not making any judgement on the prospects etc side, but only 20% of women now have a baby before they're 25, so it is true that it's fairly, though a long way from vanishingly, unlikely.

You think I never leave, or socialise with anyone else? I'm nearly 60, I know a fair few people and no, not a single grandma at 49 apart from the lady I mentioned before

Exactly, we were all grown up by the time my parents were in their early 50s. They were young enough when we were growing up to do all sorts of adventures with us (skiing, surfing, sailing, climbing mountains, climbing trees) and young enough to enjoy decades of travel and adventure (including more skiing and surfing etc) once we were all grown up.

Not everyone produces children and then lives some small tiny life with no more adventure, personal growth or career growth.

I'd be horrified too! 49 seems young to be a grandparent.

Agree that biologically it would be much better to have kids early, and then they are grown while you are still relatively young. I do think out of the two options though, most of the fun stuff isn't the same when you're older, travel is quite different as an example. It would also depend on your circle of friends of course and where you live, I can see it would be more appealing if everyone else around you were having kids too.

No I think you’re a judgemental old woman from the comments you made about her daughter, what relevance is it that she has four kids to however many dads.

travel is quite different as an example.

It certainly is, you’ve got the money to do it in comfort.

Yeah this one generally ends badly on here but bluntly professional women with degrees ain’t becoming grandparents in their forties as they may well only become mothers in their early thirties. There’s always a bunch of people post to say being a granny at about 42 is entirely standard but it’s really not.

Yup.

Unfortunately, someone trying to make conversation asked me whether I had grandchildren just after my dad had died. I tried not to, but found myself crying.

Rude to us grannies. Horrified indeed!

By twenty five I had packed in heaps of travel though? (And two degrees and a variety of interesting jobs!). And since then I had a whole heap of new adventures travelling with the children. And I made new friends who were parents of all different ages (as well as having friends back home who were parents). A handful of women at baby groups clearly assumed I was some sort of teen mum and were snooty (I did have very good skin and never needed makeup so looked v young for my age)! I enjoyed the look on their faces when a friend eventually let slip what my job was

Stereotyping people by age is stupid and reductive and to be honest suggests a lack of travelling widely and a distinct lack of personal growth.

It is a bit odd to ask if someone has grandchildren when you don't know what age their children are. I might ask if you had said your kids were in their 20s but apart from that, no I wouldn't ask someone if they had grandchildren. I think i would be slightly annoyed if someone asked me that and didn't know how old my kids were

Actually it might surprise you to know that she's very critical of her daughter's life choices, stop making massive assumptions.

You sound absolutely delightful and extremely ageist....

I had my first at 20 and I have 2 degrees 🕺🏿

Exactly