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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh undermined me

103 replies

Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 10:26

Awful situation this morning. 7 year old dc was being very rude to me when I asked her to tidy her things away and that she wasn’t allowed to watch YouTube. She started to say how she loves daddy more than me and he lets her and he was going to tell daddy that I told her off. I said that was fine because he would agree with me.
Dh arrived home, Dd ran outside and sat on the driveway crying, Dh came in and asked what was going on and basically sort of had a go at me/took her side?! I was so angry but didn’t want to make a scene in front of Dd, so went upstairs.
Dd then came up and gave me a hug and said sorry, I told her she had nothing to be sorry for.

I want out of this relationship and feel this was really strange and toxic behaviour and was not the right thing to do in front of Dd and was confusing to Dd and wrong

Aibu? feel like i’m going crazy here

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 10:28

*She was going to tell daddy

OP posts:
Shatteredallthetimelately · 31/05/2025 10:34

Took her side and did what?

As much as you and your DH need to be pretty much on the same page when dealing with your DD I'd also be a bit concerned at how your DD went about running outside, sitting on the driveway and crying....it's manipulative and she's playing one off against the other.

Leave if you must do, and I can only reply on this post details, but in this instance it's not necessarily all down to your DH.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2025 10:44

You want out of the relationship because he didn't agree with you on one thing or is it an ongoing pattern?

itsbeenalongnight · 31/05/2025 10:48

That poor child is getting caught up in your adult emotions. Is DD mimicking the manipulative behaviour you’re displayed as you’re unhappy? All sounds horrid.

TheSandgroper · 31/05/2025 10:50

You and DH do need to learn that your default question needs to be “and what does mummy/daddy say? Then that’s what will happen”. Unless other parent is very wrong. Also, if the story wasn’t told correctly, my DH and I would get strong over that. She’s only 7 so still learning, as are you and Dh.

Also, yes, dd did have something to be sorry about. She needs to learn what mummy says is what is going to happen and that running to the other parent is a no -no. She was very good to come and apologise so I think your response ought to have been “thank you. Then we shall say no more about it”.

TheSandgroper · 31/05/2025 10:52

Also, to add that daughters getting upset with mum, running to dad and batting eyelashes at him is perfectly normal behaviour. Or even going to dad and batting eyelashes at him without getting upset with mum is also a biological stage.

WhiteCloudd · 31/05/2025 10:53

I would have messaged DH a heads up. Otherwise if he returns home and finds an upset child crying outside his first response is bound to be sympathy over suspicion.

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 10:57

itsbeenalongnight · 31/05/2025 10:48

That poor child is getting caught up in your adult emotions. Is DD mimicking the manipulative behaviour you’re displayed as you’re unhappy? All sounds horrid.

?? What manipulative behaviour Ive displayed?

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 31/05/2025 10:57

I'd also be pissed off with your DH in your shoes, parenting is team work and he needs to get that in his empty fucking head, seems that he enjoys the ego boost of being the favorite parent.
Aside from that, your child absolutely was in the wrong and did have something to apologise for-her shitty behavior before her Dad came home for a start.

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 10:58

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 31/05/2025 10:57

I'd also be pissed off with your DH in your shoes, parenting is team work and he needs to get that in his empty fucking head, seems that he enjoys the ego boost of being the favorite parent.
Aside from that, your child absolutely was in the wrong and did have something to apologise for-her shitty behavior before her Dad came home for a start.

I agree, just feel angry about the whole situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 11:00

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2025 10:44

You want out of the relationship because he didn't agree with you on one thing or is it an ongoing pattern?

This generally doesn’t happen a lot, but I think Dd shouldn’t be in this situation, I would rather be with her alone

OP posts:
ScrewedByFunding · 31/05/2025 11:01

Why did you tell dd she had nothing to be sorry for? She behaved badly by the sounds if it. Granted she apologised which is good and you should accept and move one but don't tell her she didn't need to apologise!

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 11:01

Shatteredallthetimelately · 31/05/2025 10:34

Took her side and did what?

As much as you and your DH need to be pretty much on the same page when dealing with your DD I'd also be a bit concerned at how your DD went about running outside, sitting on the driveway and crying....it's manipulative and she's playing one off against the other.

Leave if you must do, and I can only reply on this post details, but in this instance it's not necessarily all down to your DH.

Basically had a go at me

OP posts:
NovemberMorn · 31/05/2025 11:01

Either a hysterical over reaction to one none event...or there are serious things going on in your relationship that you haven't mentioned.

bigboykitty · 31/05/2025 11:06

You're right to be very concerned, based on my experience. If it's a one-off, have a calm conversation with your H. If it's a pattern, you need to seek individual therapy because this is very destructive behaviour and very damaging to the bond between you and your daughter. She was clearly uncomfortable at being able to split you and your H in this way.

mamajong · 31/05/2025 11:10

Ideally as parents you are a team on the same page but we're human and there are times you just strongly disagree and can't back the other up. Occasionally I think its normal/fine. Without the context its hard but maybe he's felt youve been overly strict recently so stepped in? Or just struggled with being met by a sobbing child on arrival home - thats tough and can cause and emotional rather than logical reaction if youre tired after work. Cut some slack id say

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2025 11:11

So it's a one off but you want out because of it? Or is there another reason. Because a normal approach would be to discuss things with your DH not jump straight to I want to leave and be alone with my daughter.

WiganWheel · 31/05/2025 11:15

Wooooah there!
Right. You and DH need to be on same page when parenting your daughter. Normally, you will discuss things with your DH when daughter is out of earshot and you two need to come together.
The BIG issue here is you saying you ‘want to leave’. What in earth have we missed here?
Or are you grossly overreacting?

AnonWho23 · 31/05/2025 11:19

If you want out of the relationship get out.

I would be angry in this situation. Your H should have told her yo clean her room and you can go onto YouTube after. If he doesn't agree with you he can discuss it with you when DC isn't around.

NZDreaming · 31/05/2025 11:20

@Thisissomessedup you are perfectly reasonable to be upset with the way your DH undermined you.

However the rest of it not so much.

When your daughter apologised you should have said thank you and explained that she needs to listen to you when you ask her to do things, not throw a tantrum. Saying she has nothing to apologise for gives her the impression that what she did was totally acceptable behaviour.

Your husband should have taken a minute to talk to you before getting cross but from his perspective he’s come home to a crying child whose telling him one version of events and his instinct (rightly or wrongly) was to defend her. He needs to work on his critical thinking and not react so abruptly. Also shouting is rarely acceptable and not something that should happen in front of children.

Your reaction that you need to leave this relationship over this one incident is really extreme. Unless this is a pattern of behaviour on his part or there’s some other issue and this is the last straw then your response is unreasonable.

KrisAkabusi · 31/05/2025 11:21

You're sending her mixed messages. You punished her. Whatever her dad said to her, she came upstairs and apologised to you. Then you told her she had done nothing wrong.

You said her dad undermined you, but he made her see that she was wrong and say sorry to you! Without more details, and if this is a one off, I can't really see what he's done wrong here.

TheAmusedQuail · 31/05/2025 11:28

A couple of things.

I think you're looking for an excuse to leave. You don't need one. If you want to leave, you do what you need, for you. Sad for your DD, but you can't live your life 100% for her.

Yes, he's wrong not to back you. But if this is a failing relationship, it's likely one of the factors that is driving your need to go. He's not likely to start supporting you in parenting at this point.

Yes, your daughter is being manipulative. But she's young and will do what it takes to get her own way.

CandyCane457 · 31/05/2025 11:28

You shouldn’t have told your daughter she has nothing to apologise for, she now thinks her behaviour was ok. And it wasn’t.

MoominMai · 31/05/2025 11:35

KrisAkabusi · 31/05/2025 11:21

You're sending her mixed messages. You punished her. Whatever her dad said to her, she came upstairs and apologised to you. Then you told her she had done nothing wrong.

You said her dad undermined you, but he made her see that she was wrong and say sorry to you! Without more details, and if this is a one off, I can't really see what he's done wrong here.

But how do you know what her dad said to DD? This is all conjecture on your part. What we do know is that DD saw her mum get told off let’s face it directly as a result of her manipulative actions and felt bad so maybe she went up to find her and apologise of her own accord. DH has already imo taken the first wrong step by siding with DD than finding out from OP what happened then explaining to his DD that her mum was right and her rude behaviour had consequences and he would do the same also thereby not confusing child but standing as a team and reinforcing expectations of good behaviour from DD.

Strictly1 · 31/05/2025 11:49

Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 11:00

This generally doesn’t happen a lot, but I think Dd shouldn’t be in this situation, I would rather be with her alone

Show quote history

‘I would rather be with her alone’ is a strange response and suggests something much deeper than your DH not backing you up.