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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh undermined me

103 replies

Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 10:26

Awful situation this morning. 7 year old dc was being very rude to me when I asked her to tidy her things away and that she wasn’t allowed to watch YouTube. She started to say how she loves daddy more than me and he lets her and he was going to tell daddy that I told her off. I said that was fine because he would agree with me.
Dh arrived home, Dd ran outside and sat on the driveway crying, Dh came in and asked what was going on and basically sort of had a go at me/took her side?! I was so angry but didn’t want to make a scene in front of Dd, so went upstairs.
Dd then came up and gave me a hug and said sorry, I told her she had nothing to be sorry for.

I want out of this relationship and feel this was really strange and toxic behaviour and was not the right thing to do in front of Dd and was confusing to Dd and wrong

Aibu? feel like i’m going crazy here

OP posts:
Shatteredallthetimelately · 31/05/2025 11:51

Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 11:00

This generally doesn’t happen a lot, but I think Dd shouldn’t be in this situation, I would rather be with her alone

Show quote history

It sounds very much like your DD caused this situation this time.

Yes she may only be 7 but running to her dad in order to get her own way isn't something to let go.

What do you hope will happen by removing your DH from your DD's daily life, she's already said she loves him more than you, no matter in what context it was said, she said it.
So by chucking her dad out you think it's going to solve what, more likely she'll end up playing you off with each other more than she does now.

As I said leave if you must but unless she never sees her dad again it's not the answer to whatever is going on.

Springadorable · 31/05/2025 11:53

Why did you tell her she had nothing to be sorry for? She absolutely did. I hope you got her to explain what she was apologising for so that it wasn't an empty platitude - the room, being rude, trying to turn your husband against you.

As this is a one off you just need to discuss it as a team and agree to get the full story before reacting. No big deal.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2025 11:57

Did he let her watch YouTube and let her off tidying up her stuff? It’s not clear how you feel he undermined you unless I’ve missed it.

You need to be on the same page with this stuff whenever possible. So talk to him calmly when she’s not around to hear.

If you split up yes you’ll be alone with her some of the time but so will he. And you’ll have a much bigger battle for consistency of parenting than you do now. He can let her watch YouTube constantly and never tidy her toys and you won’t be able to do anything about it.

Fivetimesfive · 31/05/2025 12:00

Even in the best of relationships there'll be times when parents annoy each other or won't be on the same page. Discussion of such issues should be out of earshot of dc. This seems like a massive overreaction on your part?

Your dh didn’t handle this perfectly but neither did you. Instead of retreating upstairs when your dh got annoyed with you and possibly making your child confused or anxious as a result, you could have sent her away somewhere and then calmly explained the situation to dh and asked him to back you up. You could also have given him warning of your child's naughty behaviour by messaging him before he arrived home.

I also agree with others that you shouldn't have told her that she has nothing to be sorry for.

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:01

bigboykitty · 31/05/2025 11:06

You're right to be very concerned, based on my experience. If it's a one-off, have a calm conversation with your H. If it's a pattern, you need to seek individual therapy because this is very destructive behaviour and very damaging to the bond between you and your daughter. She was clearly uncomfortable at being able to split you and your H in this way.

Individual therapy, what do you mean please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:02

WiganWheel · 31/05/2025 11:15

Wooooah there!
Right. You and DH need to be on same page when parenting your daughter. Normally, you will discuss things with your DH when daughter is out of earshot and you two need to come together.
The BIG issue here is you saying you ‘want to leave’. What in earth have we missed here?
Or are you grossly overreacting?

There’s much more, but this feels very wrong to dd and to me

OP posts:
nomas · 31/05/2025 12:05

Shatteredallthetimelately · 31/05/2025 10:34

Took her side and did what?

As much as you and your DH need to be pretty much on the same page when dealing with your DD I'd also be a bit concerned at how your DD went about running outside, sitting on the driveway and crying....it's manipulative and she's playing one off against the other.

Leave if you must do, and I can only reply on this post details, but in this instance it's not necessarily all down to your DH.

Wtf. She’s 7. Sitting and crying is a normal thing 7yos do when they’re upset.

What is it with this forum and labelling little girls as manipulative? They never say this about little boys.

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:06

KrisAkabusi · 31/05/2025 11:21

You're sending her mixed messages. You punished her. Whatever her dad said to her, she came upstairs and apologised to you. Then you told her she had done nothing wrong.

You said her dad undermined you, but he made her see that she was wrong and say sorry to you! Without more details, and if this is a one off, I can't really see what he's done wrong here.

He didn’t make her see that she was wrong and make her apologise to me at all. She came up
herself to give a hug
I think I said it wasn’t her fault as I feel so bad for her being in this messed up situation and she’s just a child

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:08

CandyCane457 · 31/05/2025 11:28

You shouldn’t have told your daughter she has nothing to apologise for, she now thinks her behaviour was ok. And it wasn’t.

True, it was just confusing in the moment, you’re right though
My worry is why she’s acting like this and saying she’ll go to daddy

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/05/2025 12:08

Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 11:01

Basically had a go at me

Show quote history

Basically? What did he say?

Mrsttcno1 · 31/05/2025 12:09

YABU because I don’t get what has gone wrong here.

DH was out at the time so presumably had no idea what had happened, he got DD’s version and then asked you what had happened and you have decided this is him taking her side? Are you all 7 years old?

DD apologising and you telling her she had nothing to apologise for- she was rude to you, told you she loved dad more than you, and you punished her for it. If she had nothing to apologise for then why did you even need to punish in the first place? You’re not even on the same page as yourself nevermind anyone else!

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:11

MoominMai · 31/05/2025 11:35

But how do you know what her dad said to DD? This is all conjecture on your part. What we do know is that DD saw her mum get told off let’s face it directly as a result of her manipulative actions and felt bad so maybe she went up to find her and apologise of her own accord. DH has already imo taken the first wrong step by siding with DD than finding out from OP what happened then explaining to his DD that her mum was right and her rude behaviour had consequences and he would do the same also thereby not confusing child but standing as a team and reinforcing expectations of good behaviour from DD.

Show quote history

It was exactly this, Dd came up of her own accord, she was confused by the situation and upset I was upset, he shouldn’t have done it, I felt humiliated

OP posts:
Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:12

Strictly1 · 31/05/2025 11:49

‘I would rather be with her alone’ is a strange response and suggests something much deeper than your DH not backing you up.

Show quote history

Yes, lots of other issues

OP posts:
Shatteredallthetimelately · 31/05/2025 12:15

nomas · 31/05/2025 12:05

Wtf. She’s 7. Sitting and crying is a normal thing 7yos do when they’re upset.

What is it with this forum and labelling little girls as manipulative? They never say this about little boys.

Show quote history

No need for the WTF.
I'd also say the same if it was a boy.

A child that runs outside, sits down and starts crying that minutes before was informing their mother of her intentions in what she was going to, not only do but followed through adding that it's fine as he'll agree with her knows exactly what they're doing, age here is irrelevant.

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:16

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2025 11:57

Did he let her watch YouTube and let her off tidying up her stuff? It’s not clear how you feel he undermined you unless I’ve missed it.

You need to be on the same page with this stuff whenever possible. So talk to him calmly when she’s not around to hear.

If you split up yes you’ll be alone with her some of the time but so will he. And you’ll have a much bigger battle for consistency of parenting than you do now. He can let her watch YouTube constantly and never tidy her toys and you won’t be able to do anything about it.

So do I just stick in a horrible situation until she’s 18

OP posts:
jolies1 · 31/05/2025 12:21

Kids will often try play one parent against the other given the opportunity.

As other sensible posters have suggested, I would give DH a heads up in this kind of instance, to save him returning to a crying child and wondering what on earth has gone on. “DD was misbehaving and I have asked her to do x - we have had tears but she is fine.”

Of course you should not stay in a relationship that has major issues or is making you unhappy but this does feel like both you and DD have gone off in a sulk when not happy.

ZebraPrintt · 31/05/2025 12:21

Unless there's other things going on, I think you're being unreasonable. DH came home, seen his daughter upset and comforted her, I think I would do the same. He didn't know what had happened, and my first would be to attend to my upset daughter. He has obviously spoken to her afterwards and explained what she did wrong, and she came and apologised. Had DH had been there when all this happened it sounds like he would've been on your side, but he came home at the wrong time

sweeneytoddsrazor · 31/05/2025 12:22

Well nobody knows what the horrible situation is do they. The incident you have mentioned is annoying and needs a conversation but that's all it warrants. We can't comment on anything else because we don't know any other details.

Schweden · 31/05/2025 12:22

KrisAkabusi · 31/05/2025 11:21

You're sending her mixed messages. You punished her. Whatever her dad said to her, she came upstairs and apologised to you. Then you told her she had done nothing wrong.

You said her dad undermined you, but he made her see that she was wrong and say sorry to you! Without more details, and if this is a one off, I can't really see what he's done wrong here.

This.

nomas · 31/05/2025 12:22

Shatteredallthetimelately · 31/05/2025 12:15

No need for the WTF.
I'd also say the same if it was a boy.

A child that runs outside, sits down and starts crying that minutes before was informing their mother of her intentions in what she was going to, not only do but followed through adding that it's fine as he'll agree with her knows exactly what they're doing, age here is irrelevant.

Show quote history

[She] knows exactly what [she’s] doing

Yeah, she’s a child looking for sympathy from her other parent.

It’s what children do, it doesn’t make her manipulative. You are ascribing adult motives to a child with sexist undertones.

No need for the WTF.

No need for the sexism.

I'd also say the same if it was a boy.

Yeah, right.

bigboykitty · 31/05/2025 12:22

By individual therapy, I mean find yourself a counsellor or psychotherapist and get some support for yourself. This event is obviously just the tip of the iceberg. You need a safe space to understand what's going on here and to think about your options when you do understand it. It's a very toxic situation and there are no quick fixes. It's good that you have posted about it and please make that the start of seeking support. Would you consider posting about the wider situation on the Relationships forum. This is much bigger than AIBU

Original poster
Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:23

ZebraPrintt · 31/05/2025 12:21

Unless there's other things going on, I think you're being unreasonable. DH came home, seen his daughter upset and comforted her, I think I would do the same. He didn't know what had happened, and my first would be to attend to my upset daughter. He has obviously spoken to her afterwards and explained what she did wrong, and she came and apologised. Had DH had been there when all this happened it sounds like he would've been on your side, but he came home at the wrong time

None of this happened!

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 31/05/2025 12:23

Thisissomessedup · 31/05/2025 12:16

So do I just stick in a horrible situation until she’s 18

Show quote history

If you're in a shitty situation, then I sympathise. You eventually said that there are lots of other issues, but you've only posted about one, that on its own seems like an overreaction. I'd leave this thread, it's not going to help because you started it with less than half a story. If you want help, start a new one with all the issues.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 31/05/2025 12:23

If your DH is truly the problem no, you don't need to stay. You can leave a relationship for any reason.

Going by your original post if you think you'll never have problems with this situation repeating itself if you do leave, or stay for that matter, you might need to rethink.

nomas · 31/05/2025 12:23

KrisAkabusi · 31/05/2025 11:21

You're sending her mixed messages. You punished her. Whatever her dad said to her, she came upstairs and apologised to you. Then you told her she had done nothing wrong.

You said her dad undermined you, but he made her see that she was wrong and say sorry to you! Without more details, and if this is a one off, I can't really see what he's done wrong here.

We have no idea if the dad said anything to her, you’ve made that up.