Dh undermined me

[Thisissomessedup]

Awful situation this morning. 7 year old dc was being very rude to me when I asked her to tidy her things away and that she wasn’t allowed to watch YouTube. She started to say how she loves daddy more than me and he lets her and he was going to tell daddy that I told her off. I said that was fine because he would agree with me.
Dh arrived home, Dd ran outside and sat on the driveway crying, Dh came in and asked what was going on and basically sort of had a go at me/took her side?! I was so angry but didn’t want to make a scene in front of Dd, so went upstairs.
Dd then came up and gave me a hug and said sorry, I told her she had nothing to be sorry for.

I want out of this relationship and feel this was really strange and toxic behaviour and was not the right thing to do in front of Dd and was confusing to Dd and wrong

Aibu? feel like i’m going crazy here

@Thisissomessedup i don’t think you’re getting the advice or support you are looking for from this thread because the issue you’ve shared, in isolation, seems like a minor issue that can easily be resolved with a bit of communication but your comments are implying there are much bigger issues.

If you want support with different perspectives on your relationship then it might be best to start a new thread outlining the problems in the relationship and what help you need (eg is this a healthy situation for you to be in or how to go about it leaving). No one has to stay in a relationship, you can leave for any reason and ultimately you deserve to be happy.

You seem to be projecting...

Yet again by your replies another MNer that thinks only their opinion counts and how dare anyone think differently.

Of course I'd 100% say the same if it was a boy.

As with any DCthey're not always going to be 7 so I'd say it was a decent age to teach a child what is and isn't acceptable behaviour.

I'll leave you to your opinion and I'll stick by mine.

How do you know that her apology wasn't prompted by your husband?

Why on earth did you tell her she had nothing to apologise for, when she very obviously did?

What exactly is this horrible situation you keep referring to? It's hard to know what's going on here because in the little you've described you both have shown a less than perfect response to the issue that arose.

It's hard to advise when you're only hinting but not being clear what the real problem is. The issue you've described is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, so what is really making you want to be on your own?

Everyone is allowed to an opinion, but equally everyone can be challenged on their opinion.

So what do you want the DD to be taught here? Don’t cry when you’re upset? Don’t sit on the front step? What?

He didn't come home and stand in silence! The op went upstairs while he was with the daughter.he obviously spoke to her.

Some of the things you have said are quite odd - you want out of this relationship and you want DD to yourself?

Honestly, it sounds like there’s some jealousy here and that you don’t like her taking your DHs attention away.

You and him should absolutely be on the same page with parenting but he had just come home and saw his DD outside crying and so was of course going to comfort her and calm the situation down.

You should have stayed downstairs and explained what happened, that you asked her to tidy her room before watching YouTube.

Then talk to him properly about it later on when she’s not there.

Are you actually planning on leaving him?
Or are you playing a tit for tat game?

It’s not obvious at all, and OP says he didn’t.

So then tell us about the actual issues and not this faux-proxy or no one can really be of any genuine help.

Maybe listen to what your mother asks of you without going running of to your father...

7 year old dc was being very rude to me when I asked her to tidy her things away and that she wasn’t allowed to watch YouTube. She started to say how she loves daddy more than me and he lets her and he was going to tell daddy that I told her off. I said that was fine because he would agree with me.

What would you have done had it of been you that asked the DC to tidy and the DC's reply was exactly the same as the OP's post above?

Have to agree on the first part - it does sound like what you are really hurt about is the “I like Daddy more” part. Its standard kid manipulation and you shouldn’t it take it to heart.

OP has specifically said the H did not tell the DD to apologise. He undermined the OP's decision. Ideally, the learning for the child would be that (unless there's a very good reason for not doing so) if she runs to dad to complain about mum, dad supports mum's position and the child realises she cannot undermine her mum and split her parents. It's therefore very clear to the DD that the parents are a safe and reliable unit and they hold boundaries. It was all very confusing for the DD and this was compounded by OP telling DD that DD had done nothing wrong. If this is a recurring situation, it's not okay for the child and it's clearly part of a much wider issue for the OP who sounds very distressed.

You’re avoiding the question. Your issue is with the dd sitting on the driveway, crying, and you said she was manipulative and knew exactly what she was doing when she did that. So what do you want OP to do to teach her?

In a healthy family dynamic, this might occasionally be an issue, but the child fundamentally knows that the parents have each other's backs and the messages will be consistent most of the time.

What do you think is going on?

As are you?

I've answered...the OP doesn’t need teaching anything...
its the DC that does...DC needs to learn to do as asked by their mother and at 7 with no heath issues, unless there's a drip feed coming, a DC is quite capable of tidying up when asked...Instead they chose to cause an argument with their actions by being rude and running outside, then starting to cry...

You have to ask yourself why did the DC wait for her father to come home before getting upset, and running outside.
What's so difficult in following a simple request asked of them?

OP stated no where in her post that she was crying before hand.

At 7 kids know how to pull strings, Id be surprised if this was the first time OP's DC has played one patent of againtge other.

Again what would you have done?

My Dad did this to my Mum for years. I could have been a brat, got a telling off from my Mum and then ran to my Dad to give out and he would take my side. It has absolutely bit him in the ass in later life and he doesn’t do it now. Wasn’t until I was an adult that I could see how wrong it was.
So it is an absolute in my home for us not to undermine each other. We may make mistakes but stay united in front of kids and work out a way forward it in private. I wouldn’t leave your husband over a couple of instances of this but I would def tell him not to do it again. If this was a constant thing I would be out the door.

How did it affect you and your relationship with each parent? Are your parents still together? Did you respect your mum less and did it influence how you saw relationships? Sorry for all the questions

I 99% agree with you, other than this point. My 6yo boy is a manipulative little devil. Completely knows how to work people.

@TheSandgroper What did your comment say

What do YOU think is going on? And if you don't want to write about that here, do you want to start a new thread to explore that?

I don’t know…is he trying to break mine & Dds relationship…I just don’t know

Could be. Does he undermine you in other ways? Do you think he likes you @Thisissomessedup

She said she would get you into trouble with daddy and she did. You and your DH need to discuss her behaviour, and you shouldn't have let her talk to your DH first and alone with him, she got him all worked up, just as she knew she could. And then decides to apologise, why did you say she had nothing to apologise for? She absolutely did, mis-behaving, threatening you and telling tall tales with crocodile tears to her DD.