Dh undermined me

[Thisissomessedup]

Awful situation this morning. 7 year old dc was being very rude to me when I asked her to tidy her things away and that she wasn’t allowed to watch YouTube. She started to say how she loves daddy more than me and he lets her and he was going to tell daddy that I told her off. I said that was fine because he would agree with me.
Dh arrived home, Dd ran outside and sat on the driveway crying, Dh came in and asked what was going on and basically sort of had a go at me/took her side?! I was so angry but didn’t want to make a scene in front of Dd, so went upstairs.
Dd then came up and gave me a hug and said sorry, I told her she had nothing to be sorry for.

I want out of this relationship and feel this was really strange and toxic behaviour and was not the right thing to do in front of Dd and was confusing to Dd and wrong

Aibu? feel like i’m going crazy here

Why would he be trying to break your relationship with your daughter? This is really an odd way of thinking. If there are other things going on you need to say what if you want any meaningful replies

So sexist! The DD might be black, so probably racist as well!

MN never ceases to amaze me with the way some people see things...

Is there a reason you are so reluctant to tell us what happened, exactly? Your answers are rather gnomic. If you carry on like this, nobody is really going to be able to help you.

Why did you tell her she had nothing to be sorry for? She was an absolute brat and then calculated it and cried in front of her dad. You want to ignore that behaviour? She absolutely had something to be sorry for.

TheSandgroper · Today 10:50

My original comment

You and DH do need to learn that your default question needs to be “and what does mummy/daddy say? Then that’s what will happen”. Unless other parent is very wrong. Also, if the story wasn’t told correctly, my DH and I would get strong over that. She’s only 7 so still learning, as are you and Dh.

Also, yes, dd did have something to be sorry about. She needs to learn what mummy says is what is going to happen and that running to the other parent is a no -no. She was very good to come and apologise so I think your response ought to have been “thank you. Then we shall say no more about it

My later comment (and I don’t know if Mumsnet Mods allowed it) was that you and dh might benefit from joint parenting classes and I suggested 123 Magic.

Yes I don’t understand? She was rude and apologised, that’s a good thing , I assume her dad prompted her to apologise ?

Your kid was playing one parent off the other and your husband fell for it. You said no and she got your husband to have a fight with you over it.

Wanting to leave and be alone with your daughter seems to be a big overreaction, so there's got to be something else going on.

Are you worried he's spoiling her by not being a team when it comes to discipline? That would require some pretty frank communication between the two of you and your communication doesn't seem like the greatest.

Are you worried he's trying to alienate her from you by always giving her what she wants? That would need therapy.

Even if you split from your husband, it wouldn't be just you and her. He's entitled to time with his child too.

TheSandgroper · Today 10:50

You and DH do need to learn that your default question needs to be “and what does mummy/daddy say? Then that’s what will happen”. Unless other parent is very wrong. Also, if the story wasn’t told correctly, my DH and I would get strong over that. She’s only 7 so still learning, as are you and Dh.

Also, yes, dd did have something to be sorry about. She needs to learn what mummy says is what is going to happen and that running to the other parent is a no -no. She was very good to come and apologise so I think your response ought to have been “thank you. Then we shall say no more about it

I did post a comment about you and do doing a parenting course together and suggesting 123 Magic.

Sorry about the double post. Busy iPad tonight.

You shouldn't tell a child what another grown up is going to say or do.

I don’t understand why your posts are so cryptic.

If you want actual advice then you’ll need to explain the situation properly.

Of course DH is going to comfort his crying child and try and calm the situation.

He should not have taken sides but without knowing what he said to you or what the backstory is, then we’re not going to understand.

i Had a very poor relationship with my Mum as a teen and hero worshiped by Dad. It wasn’t until I was older and a sibling did something really not nice and my Dad stepped in and was all over them killing them with kindness when they were actually being awful to both parents that I worked it out. That went on for years with other sibling and then they had a row with my Dad and there relationship is wrecked. I told my Dad that if he had to have stood up for my Mum at the start of the row it would never have got that bad. They are still together. I see things very differently now I have kids. My husband has done it to me maybe twice in 20 years. He knows all about the row with my sibling and i have told him I would leave him if he did what my father did to my mother. Hopefully your husband will see sense and know this is a shit way to parent. If i came home and one of mine was roaring and crying I wouldn’t never think my husband would have been cross or shouted for no reason. We have instances were DH will clash with teen DD and she will come to me complaining . If I think my DH was over the top or wrong I will say zero and just listen. I will speak to DH privately and then he will go and speak to her and apologise if he overreacted

Children play one parent off against the other, good parent/bad parent - as old as the hills! Children do this, especially if one parent isn't around.

OP it's a tricky situation but I understand your impulse to tell your dd she had nothing to apologise for. As I see it, you were trying to tell her that what happens between mummy and daddy is not her responsibility/fault - and you are right to endorse that.

Yes, her behaviour earlier wasn't good. But I'm inferring that you felt she was apologising because your DH left you feeling so awful. Apologies if I'm getting that wrong - you've displayed saintly patience with the posters who've made up their own versions of what happened and then attacked you for them. But I do understand your instinct to tell your little girl that she's not culpable for what goes on between adults - and I applaud you for it, especially as you were hurt and angry at the time.

I don't think you are overreacting. It's deeply unhealthy for your DD to live in a situation where one parent undermines the other's parenting. And you must have done something right for her to have the sensitivity, at only 7, to understand your distress and apologise to you for it. You sound a lovely mother- please trust your instincts. Very best with this to you all.

This makes it sound very much like he didn't really do anything.

OP can you define how he "basically had a go" at you? What did he say?

She's doing that because that's what little kids do. It's well known that some kids try to play their parents off one another.

Agree with the other comments that there’s too much missing here to be able to actually advise you. If you want advice, the best thing to do is post it all here - what is this messed up situation you keep speaking of, is there a history or pattern, is it new, what did your husband actually say/do when he came in, etc?

It comes across as if you’re jealous of the relationship your husband has with your daughter - that you feel she should love you more than him? If this is the case, it’s the story as old as time itself - little girls love their daddies and little boys love their mummies. That’s not to say it’s always that way around, but I can’t think of many families I know, at least whilst the child is not a teenager, that it hasn’t followed the stereotype! Rest assured though, as a teenager, they’ll love/hate you both in equal measures I’m sure! What is it you find so threatening about your daughter being closer to her father than to you? It’s a normal feeling - especially if you’re the authoritative parent and you feel you get all the shit, who doesn’t want to get to be the saviour and the favourite? But kids need boundaries to feel safe - and you’ll likely come out the other side with a stronger relationship for having gone through it. If, however, it purely is a jealousy thing, and you choose to separate because of that, I can’t guarantee that your relationship with your DD would recover. If you have concerns that there is abuse going on, then of course it isn’t wrong to leave. I’m not suggesting there is abuse, I just can’t understand why else you’d be so cryptic! If you’re starting to realise you have very different parenting styles, then parenting courses or couples counselling would be worth considering.

I’ve tried to cover off a few things there, at a top line level, but without knowing what’s going on, all any of us are doing are guessing. One thing for you to mull over - by you telling your daughter she had nothing to apologise for it could appear that you are saying you over reacted in the first place and that your DH was the one in the right - but you undermined him by suddenly saying she’d done nothing wrong.

Sorry all, it’s hard to convey what happened and how it felt. He came in and was stood near Dd, who had ran back in after waiting at the gate for him to tell on me. Then he was asking what had happened but in a very accusatory way towards me, like I had done something wrong and had to explain myself! It’s hard to explain, but my Dd then started to look uncomfortable and it felt like it was him and her against me, it just felt v wrong (on his part, she’s a child) I didn’t want to get upset & angry with him, so went upstairs. It was more like he was having a go at me saying ‘What have you said to her?’ angrily

What he did was very wrong, even your child sensed it, because children need their parents to be a united front, not a fractured couple.

He used this as an opportunity to gang up on you.

If you’re already making plans to leave, this should be another nail in the coffin.

Because it is very normal for a child to run to the other parent when one is cross.

Could he have assumed that you had gone way OTT for her to be reacting like that? While considering this question, it is worth considering whether you actually did go way OTT, your reaction to this seems to be unless there is more information we're missing.

Kids can also sometimes over egg the pudding a little... "Mummy was so angry with me she doesn't love me any more" or whatever

Because it is very normal for a child to run to the other parent when one is cross.

Could he have assumed that you had gone way OTT for her to be reacting like that? While considering this question, it is worth considering whether you actually did go way OTT, your reaction to this seems to be unless there is more information we're missing.

Kids can also sometimes over egg the pudding a little... "Mummy was so angry with me she doesn't love me any more" or whatever

Because it is very normal for a child to run to the other parent when one is cross.

Could he have assumed that you had gone way OTT for her to be reacting like that? While considering this question, it is worth considering whether you actually did go way OTT, your reaction to this seems to be unless there is more information we're missing.

Kids can also sometimes over egg the pudding a little... "Mummy was so angry with me she doesn't love me any more" or whatever

You only sharing a tiny part of what's happening, while hinting at bigger stuff, isn't going to give anyone an idea of whether he is or isn't.

OP what would you have done in this situation?

If I saw my crying child outside, I would have comforted them and then asked my DH what happened.
I probably would be quite concerned, especially if I didn’t know what was going on.

I assume this happens regularly for you to have such a big reaction to it.