To think someone's sexual predilections reflects on their broader character?

[MonTuesWeds]

Just that really. I feel like I came of age in a time when we were encouraged to believe that someone's 'intimate preferences' were just that, and that they were completely isolated from that persons wider self and personality. I just don't think that's true though. I suppose I'm wondering two things here, firstly if IABU I'm thinking this now but secondly - am I the only one who has felt the pressure not to judge someone on what 'they're into' providing it was always fully consensual.

Yes, I absolutely agree with you here, op. Of course the fetish or kink is shaped by the nature of the person who displays it and quite often the dysfunctional outlook they have acquired over a dysfunctional life.

Men = pervert

Very

My DH and I were very into BDSM in our younger years. We’re old people (nearly) now and due to my DHs cancer our sex life has dwindled.

He was the dominant half, and honestly I can say outside of this particular bedroom kink he’s the kindest and gentlest man you could meet. It was 100% consensual and in our normal day to day life I’m by far the louder and more ‘bossy’ one for want of a better word. The few people that were privy to the secret were always somewhat surprised by the dynamics.

Whilst he’s been ill he’s been quite drugged up at times and from my work experience I find that’s when true ‘issues’ show their heads because the filter is muffled. He didn’t change, still quiet, kind and gentle lol

So no, I don’t think it’s generally a good indicator of broader character as a rule.

You can't convince me that a man who can hold an erection while hurting and humiliating his partner to get his rocks off is undamaged or kind.

I think it's like politics or religion: there's a certain range I'd consider "normal" which I wouldn't let impact on what I thought of someone's character, but beyond that I definitely would.

The difference is I'm far less likely to find out someone's sexual predilections than their religious or political beliefs.

wtf is that?

I agree, I think the pushing of ‘woke’ culture has been substantially about transgressing normal ideas of public decency. This has been very deliberate and very well funded. A coordinated effort by the likes of Epstein and Pritzker, and other fetishistic billionaires, to mould the world into something more accommodating for them.

rape isn’t about sex though.

Not sure about ‘character’, but most of the people I know who are into kink / BDSM are autistic, and their sexual practices do reflect some of their general tendencies. E.g. an intense interest in objects and tools, more interested in parts than wholes (so more likely to be turned on by feet or ears than a body in its entirety), enjoy dressing up in costumes or wearing uniforms, find it much easier to be told exactly what to do / to tell someone else exactly what to do than to collaborate without clear and agreed frameworks and defined roles.

That said, I know just as many autistic people who are asexual, largely influenced by sensory processing issues - which is again reflective of general tendencies rather than character.

I have only been involved sexually with one person who had a kink that he preferred above all else, including straight sex. I was open minded about it. But actually it was really boring. He seemed to me like a train journey that had to run only on tracks, the route was always the same. And his character is exactly like this, he’s passing NT but actually he’s a hamster on a wheel living a repetition compulsion. His sexuality was a reflection 100% of who he was as a person.

Agreed. I absolutely will kink shame and think it does reflect on character outside the bedroom.

I feel this about (particularly politicians) having affairs - if someone can willingly and easily break what is supposed to be a significant moral and legal vow to the person they are supposed to love above all others, and lie convincingly about it to them, how can they possibly be considered likely to keep their word in any other situation, when the people they are screwing over would be even more faceless to them?

I went on a few dates with a guy who informed me that he was only into sex where he could strangle, spit on and be extremely verbally abusive towards his female partners.

I “noped” the fuck out of there but I had already decided he was not for me as early conversations suggested he had a problem with women.

Him telling me his kinks confirmed that and I don’t think any man who can only have sex that way has a healthy attitude towards women.

Exactly

But some rapists absolutely will say that’s their kink.

I disagree, but I'm open to other views.
I am really interested in how you have formed this opinion.
How many sexual relationships have you had? What kinks have been proposed to you/you've engaged with, and how did that partner act in day to day life?

What on earth is “woke culture”?

Kinks have existed as long as humans have. But I have only heard people talk about “woke” in the last few years (which in the mainstream at least.)

Yes, I think the proliferation of kink and kink discourse is part generated by the increased access to porn but also finds momentum within academic nasal gazing - where everything which is heteronormative is couched around word like problematic and everything beyond is posited as some kind of brave heart war cry for libertarianism. So, yeah, a part of woke culture.

It was only thirty or so years ago, before trans women were women, when men playing at being women was painted in academia as a boundary playing movement akin to the carnival frivolity to teach the plebs how we all perform our way through life 🙄

I agree with you. Not only that, the thought of doing it is what gives him the erection.

Definitely. People say you shouldn't kink shame but honestly if you want to wear nappies or dress up as a dog then you're disgusting.

More normal stuff doesn't bother me. BDSM keeps coming up and i think a lot of people who need boundaries are attracted to it.

Love that consensual, private sexual activities which bring people happiness and pleasure mean that we are disgusting and abnormal. Because you don't understand them, because you wouldn't do them, because they don't fit in the narrow range of what you consider acceptable. Precisely the way I'd expect the thread to go.

The scene in the film I referred to was in no way intended to be porn

And the feelings I felt weren't to be the injured party

It's nothing to with how boring it is...

"Because you don't understand them, because you wouldn't do them, because they don't fit in the narrow range of what you consider acceptable."

Surely you don't think that these are the only limitations when people are expressing their judgement and ick around kinks?

I can think of a million things, climbing Mount Everest, living in a cave, microwaving a cup of tea, that meet those conditions and do not provoke a visceral reaction or cause me to speculate on whether it's indicative of someone's moral values.

Feelings of disgust around kinks and judgements around character are quite specific to the content of the kink.

I'm familiar enough to know what I'm talking about.