To think someone's sexual predilections reflects on their broader character?

[MonTuesWeds]

Just that really. I feel like I came of age in a time when we were encouraged to believe that someone's 'intimate preferences' were just that, and that they were completely isolated from that persons wider self and personality. I just don't think that's true though. I suppose I'm wondering two things here, firstly if IABU I'm thinking this now but secondly - am I the only one who has felt the pressure not to judge someone on what 'they're into' providing it was always fully consensual.

I think the relationship between women with mental health issues and kink is an interesting one. And rarely are the two examined in relation to one another. Someone who allows themselves to be subjected to degradation is vulnerable and is not loving themselves or taking good care of themselves. They are better than that, I wish they could see it.

I'm sorry he's not well, I hope he gets better soon

🙄

Why can people consent to things during sex that they cannot meaningfully and legally consent to otherwise?

like if you agree someone can punch you, and they do, they’ve still assaulted you whether or not you say that you consented, and the law still treats it as a crime.

but if he has an orgasm while punching you and you have agreed to be punched to facilitate this orgasm; then it’s a “kink” and it’s fine?

makes no sense to me.

My god. Watching a movie where people pretend to hurt someone is in no way the same as causing ACTUAL HARM to someone in real life when you're having sex with them.

The presence of an erection doesn't make the harm he's causing better; it makes it worse.

Honestly, I'm finding all the "We mustn't kink shame" pathetic.

We should. We really should, especially when it's a kink that harms women.

You can roll your eyes all you want but I think it's completely maladaptive to express your love and lust for someone through the lens of pain, shame, humiliation or de-personalization fetishes. I think it's a place you only get to through a dysfunctional route.

Of course it is - the fact that some people compartmentalise their dysfunction and play it out in sexual pleasure doesn’t mean it’s not dysfunctional - and it’s worse as it involves another person. I am very much a fan of kink shaming

Exactly. Some things are simply between consenting adults and it's their business even if it's not my preference. But (for example) men who get off on rape, spitting, hitting etc can't have a nice attitude to women and that will spill over into daily life sooner or later.

I agree, OP. I think some kinks absolutely should be shamed. Just because there is apparent consent doesn't make everything ok. Feederism for example, to the extent where one person is putting the other's life at risk, is abhorrent. Age play is also morally dubious imo.

I think your feelings of disgust and judgement say more about you than anything else.

Do you apply that to all sexual kinks? Would you be fine with feederism, where people have died from the ensuing health issues? Would you be fine with extreme age play? Would you be fine with rape scenarios? Etc etc

I think it's perfectly normal to recoil in horror at the idea of a grown man wanting his girlfriend to pretend to be a child who he then coerces into sex and strangles. I would say you are the morally dubious one for finding it perfectly ok.

What does it say about me? Disgust has a use, like a gag reflex that stops you drinking curdled milk. It forms a good barometer for safe boundaries and the mark of robust self esteem.

Anyone who likes to hurt or humiliate someone during sex is vile.
on what grounds could you possibly believe this isn’t part of the ‘real’ them?
they’re someone who enjoys hurting others.
aka a sadist.

It's when men in dresses are lauded and told they're a vulnerable oppressed minority, then in private discuss their euphoria boners from wearing women's knickers and all the civil boundaries they've transgressed.

IA with a previous poster that kinks are being forcefully normalised. Unfortunately instead of being shocking, they are very boring and predictable. Another poster seemed surprised to have acquired a kink from a family film, as if family films are somehow immune to adult interference and perverted Hollywood writers.

Women in the BDSM community (like certain other communities) sadly believe they are more sophisticated than those trying to warn them of the acts of self-harm they're committing.

Men in the BDSM community are sociopaths.

Armchair psychoanalysts galore.
Get a life.

Out of curiosity where’s your line OP? What about swinging, threesomes, oral sex, anal?

This is where it gets complicated. One person’s normal sex life if another person's kink, so where do you draw the line? A threesome between consensual adults might be anathema to many people but it’s really quite a “normal” act that I’m sure so many people engage in. If anal sex is enjoyable for men, can it not then be enjoyable for some women, or does it always have to be an act that is either derogatory to your female partner or some kind of hidden desire to want to have sex with a man instead of your female partner?

There are many, many sexual acts which are not missionary-with-the-lights-off or “making love” which a large percentage of consenting adults will take part in - anal, spanking, light sub-dom, dressing up. Are these all kinks? If they are to one person, does that mean the large number of people who engage in that activity are somehow “wrong” and not normal?

I do get some of what you’re saying but it’s so highly subjective I don’t agree it stands as it’s own statement.

Does it really matter where I draw the line? Non of these are exactly expressions of love... they're expressions of something else, what is that something else and why does that take primacy?

Right so anything beyond PIV as an expression of love. Presumably sex for the sake of sex is not quite right either?

Anyway, it makes it a lot clearer where you’re coming from.

I think it can do, but not always.

Depends on too many factors to generalise I think.

I'm sorry I don't agree. I enjoy a little pain during sex (tugs on nipple clamps, spanking, a bit of wrestling/ pinning). I especially like it when I have PMT and I'm all wound up, its quite a release for me. My husband enjoys it because he can visibly see he is giving me pleasure. I suppose it does reflect him in day to day life because he is very thoughtful and giving generally as a partner, but it doesn't reflect a desire to hurt anyone for fun. I liken it to going on a big rollercoaster because being a little bit scared in a safe way is fun and exhilarating, and a little bit of pain during sex can be the same thing when its safe and by choice.

Oral sex isn’t an “expression of love”…?

Err, you what now?

Of course it does. All the recent normalisation of weird shit is, well, weird.

Absolutely!