To think my friend should set her standards higher?

[Nobivucy]

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

Don’t put words in my mouth. Of course decent men get divorced or are widowed but there are not as many decent men single at 50 as 30.

Have to love how OP got called out for misogyny and saying her friends non-commited relationship is pathetic and suggestive of internalised misogyny so then attempted to flip it into possible misandry.

"No, I didn't really mean she's pathetic having a non-committed relationship with a man that's always said that's all he wants, HE is pathetic not wanting a commited relationship that he made it clear he never wanted because...

what? men should want a commited relationship with a beautiful woman? Because?

Op. Stop. You are judging her by your own values/desires.
I’m a widow since I was 47. I had one friend in particular who, after a year or two, kept asking ‘when I was going to get out there’ and seemed very concerned that I was on my own. As if there were guys lining up to date a middle aged women with two primary school aged kids. I hated the inference that my life was somehow not complete, or I was missing out, or that I would be lonely in the future. I’m 63 now and as it happens I have not met anyone, not even on the basis that your friend has. Am I lonely? No. Am I missing out? No. Double no in fact listening to my friends complain about their husbands!
Stop making her feel that not being in a relationship YOU approve of is somehow a bad thing.

Because otherwise he’s just using her for sex and taking advantage of knowing she wants to be with him.

OP, I’d give up, no one is actually understanding / cares about what you’re saying!! It’s not that difficult. Friend has fwb but wants committed relationship but not getting that. Cue reasonable concern/ worry from OP about her friend.

Then stop being so egocentric and understand other people don't have to want what you want and you shouldn't attempt to project what you want on other people..

Grow up essentially.

It's an emotional skill most people have mastered in their 20s.

Your delayed development shouldn't be projected on others
.

Friend hasn't said that.

OP projects that.

He isn't taking advantage of friend since as you say, he's said for 15 years that he doesn't want a relationship and friend knows that and knows it so well that she has told you that.
.

How is that me putting words into your mouth? “Well all the decent ones probably are” are literally your own words.

Thank you. It is very frustrating. I mustn’t be expressing myself well.

She has. I said at the beginning she ended things with him because another man who I liked was willing to give her the committed relationship she wanted. Maybe I should just give up trying to explain lol

I think it’s the layers of misogyny and judgement towards her friend many have taken issue with. Being worried about a woman ‘wasting her best years’ is not reasonable concern if the woman is not concerned with this herself.

Surely we all worry about our friends when they can’t see it. I have another friend whose husband has a bad temper and she lives in fear he’ll turn violent. She doesn’t seem to think it’s a huge deal and doesn’t seem concerned. I still think others should be.

What rubbish, I go out a lot and older people are always getting together, my mum was getting propositioned all through to her 70s before she died. It’s a very misogynistic view to assume her best years will be wasted.

And yet all your need to read is any thread about a 30 odd year old woman having an affair and almost all of the replies say that she shouldn’t waste the best years of her life on a married man.

You didn't say that.

At the beginning?

You said they've been sleeping with each other for about 15 years and about 4 years ago, she had a man interested in her who you thought was a nice man wanting to give her a committed relationship.

And friend possibly thought that her years long sexual partner might become jealous and offer her a committed relationship.

But he didn't.

And friend still ended it with the 'nice' man (your opinion) but also said 'she hated him coming over during the week and going to bed before her' and in your opinion 'I do get we're not all the same and she doesn't want a traditional relationship'.

But you keep posting about how she absolutely wants a traditional, committed relationship with the man that she's consented to have a non-,committed relationship with for 15 years because you can't possibly conceive of a woman wanting to do that without being pathetic, having low standards and wanting more.

You can't understand how that could be the reality so are constructing scenarios where your beautiful friend is so desperate for a committed relationship with this man that she's living a half-life of frequent nights of drinks, playing darts and pool and sex

And that she must be being taking advantage of by the man who's told her for 15 years he doesn't want to be a committed relationship with but really enjoys their fun nights and presumably, does care about her but doesn't want to be her life partner and responsible for her life or emotions?

And you think that what your friend and he have is pathetic?

Well. Any woman of any age shouldn’t waste any of her years on married men. But you still can’t stop someone if that is what they choose to do. Anyone using the term ‘best years’ has a misogynistic take on it.

If a woman is wasting years on someone and wants children then of course that is an additional factor, but that’s to do with fertility. Not being the ‘best’ years. And this doesn’t apply to your friend anyway.

Being concerned about a friend staying with a violent man is completely different to being concerned about a woman ‘wasting her best years’.

So it’s not possible to be decent and single at 50? Divorcees? Relationship ending? Just never
meeting the right person? Never prioritising dating?

It’s just that you can’t be a decent person if single at 50?

You sound very young OP

How is she being “used” and “taken advantage of” when he is completely honest and
open?

But what is the point of her concern? Her friend will not pay attention.

False equivalence.

The friend you're talking about in this thread has been in a sexual relationship for 15 years which you admit she doesn't complain about

It's you thinking it's pathetic and she's wasting her time not using her looks and 'best years' to get a man to commit to her.

That’s talking about having children. So many women do waste years with men who say they want kids and change their minds, or married men who promise they’ll leave and never do. Then she runs out of time for kids.
But your friend doesn’t want them so she isn’t wasting anything.

I am in my 50s myself.

Then throwing her crumbs with holidays and saying he hasn’t slept with any other woman for years.

You’ve expressed yourself clearly and been polite in the face of some pretty aggressive posts. Some posters are just determined to make this thread about their own chippiness about being single by choice/childfree/in a non-traditional set-up, rather than the specificities of what you’re saying about your friend. And I understand why they feel chippy because some people can still be pretty patronising and ignorant about those choices, I think any sensible person can agree they are fine so long as the person involved is happy with them. The point is you’ve had clear indications from your friend that while she may be happy being childfree, she’s not happy being single and she wants more commitment from this man. YANBU to be concerned about that, but only she can change things.