Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting costs 50/50

121 replies

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2025 19:18

I am struggling with the pressure of dh expecting me to pay 50% of everything. We both work full time in fairly well paid jobs but he earns significantly more and get a lot from parents and a lot of our money goes on childcare, mortgage and other bills. I get it’s fair that I pay for half but I can’t keep up with his spending.

he wants to buy things/have a lifestyle based on his earnings but always then tells me later that I need to pay my half. We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half - it was a gift from his parents meaning it was his money and not mine. The pressure to keep up is so hard. I would love to reduce hours whilst the children are young but there is no way I can (I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

I don’t really know what my question was but wanted to rant.

OP posts:
Birch101 · 30/05/2025 19:24

Yeah I'd be fuming!

treesareforlifenotjustforchristmas · 30/05/2025 19:24

To hell with that ‘gift from his parents’ and now you owe him half. There’s children involved and you’re still not pooling your money. Surely all money is ‘family money’ when children come along. I’d be straight out the door if my husband expected me to be the chef,the cleaner, the nanny and work and then want me to pay 50/50 when he earns more than me.

MostlyHappyMummy · 30/05/2025 19:24

Why are you putting up with this?
Are you scared of him? Is he emotionally or physically abusive?

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 19:25

I hope you're not planning on giving him half. In fact I'd go as far to say I'd be asking PIL to clarify if it was a family gift or just for DH. That would give me serious ick tbh.

Stickortwigs · 30/05/2025 19:27

WTAF. He’s taking the piss. You are a family unit with a child. I earn more than DH and just view all money as our money.

Wigtopia · 30/05/2025 19:27

Can you suggest he do 50% of all the unpaid work you do?

SendBooksAndTea · 30/05/2025 19:28

This doesn't sound like a family to me.

BookArt55 · 30/05/2025 19:29

This is awful and I feel for you. Other than this is you relationship healthy and good?

If it is then I think it is time to sit down and show him the numbers, black and white. I would then show a list of all the jobs you both do around the house and for the kids and the comparison.

This isn't a financially healthy relationship. I think the money should be pooled together as a family with children. However if he doesn't want that, then everything should be based on a percentage of the wage. He should pay more given he earns more and you help him to achieve that by taking on so much more (although all jobs should be 50/50!)

I'd be tempted to ask his parents did they gift the bathroom to him or the family. If you can't afford the bathroom then do yiu need to stop using it.

He is ridiculous, and the pressure and stress it must be putting you under is cruel

Marriage is teamwork. You and your husband are not a team.

Tiswa · 30/05/2025 19:30

It isn’t fair.

Firstly you are a partnership and that doesn’t show it at all
then if it was fair everything should be 50/50 including childcare and housework which it isn’t
then no way should you pay for what he wants

sit him down and tell him it isn’t fair and you will only do 50/50 of he takes on 50% of the housework 50% of the childcare and go with what you can afford not what he can

then when he clearly doesn’t want that work out whst is a fair split - personally it should be same amount of spends but that is just me

but sounds a financially abusive twat

PussInBin20 · 30/05/2025 19:30

He’s an arsehole.

faerietales · 30/05/2025 19:30

This isn't "fair" - it's financial abuse.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2025 19:31

‘ i get that it’s fair that I pay half’

i have absolutely no idea where you get that from?!? Of course you don’t pay half, you’re married, and you earn less than him.

all in one pot. Pay bills and childcare. Rest split in half for personal spends. That is what you should ‘get’.

it sounds like you are being financially abused and have no idea.,

thedancingclown · 30/05/2025 19:31

Easy fix - got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half

I would suggest you owe him nothing as his parents paid for it. Offer to pay half to his parents and explain why i.e. your DH thinks you owe him money and see how that conversation goes.

p.s. start charging for housework on a hourly rate.

wwyd2021medicine · 30/05/2025 19:31

Financial abuse

arcticpandas · 30/05/2025 19:32

What? Why do you think it's fair that you pay 50/50 when he earns more? It would be fair if you paid in percentage to your earnings so you both had the same sum left over.
And if his parents gifted you the bedroom why should you be paying him half? That's crazy! Tell him you can't afford it. Better; offer to tell his parents you can't afford it so you will have to make a payment plan with them.
They will be appalled because they offered you both the bedroom. Ofcourse they did. He just wants to scam you the bastard
And start making him pay for cleaning, laundry, cooking and childcare as well since that falls on you.
Seriously he's tight, abusive and a twat and I can't see any reason to as why you would stay with him and put up with this shit.

Comedycook · 30/05/2025 19:32

(I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

So his version of equality doesn't extend to housework and childcare. How convenient.

MojoMoon · 30/05/2025 19:32

He is being entirely unreasonable.
He does not respect you. You can see this by the way he demands your money but also fails to do half the domestic labour.
He probably doesn't even like you very much based on the way he is treating you

But you deserve much better treatment. And a partner who respects and cares for you.

Does he have any redeeming features?

Dweetfidilove · 30/05/2025 19:32

What did he say when you told him you cannot afford/ will not be paying half?

What happens when you say - 'no, we cannot go on holiday this year because I cannot afford it '?

There's obviously no 'we' in your marriage, so just keep saying no to the things you can't afford.

Do you even like him? I'm deeply thankful I repel stingy men, because I couldn't even be with him ☹️.

Tiswa · 30/05/2025 19:32

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 and hold on he wants you to pay him half of the bathroom his parents paid for. I would frankly tell him you are going to ask them if they want it back and pay them because he wants the bathroom and half the money. That is robbing you OP and really awful.

because really see this for what it is a man whose parents paid for the whole bathroom and now wants to take money from you got it. Why where is this money going to go?

shedroof · 30/05/2025 19:34

I just do not understand these type of dynamics. Once DH and I got engaged we pooled all our money because we’re a team. For a while I earned more than him, now he earns more than me, but it’s always been our money. Our wages go into a joint account that all bills and expenses come out of and anything social we do together. Plus we have our independence by having a standing order into our own accounts every month (we do £250 each) to spend on whatever we like.
I just don’t understand couples, especially those with kids who don’t do this.

mindutopia · 30/05/2025 19:34

You pay proportionate to your earnings, not half. If he earns twice as much, he pays 2/3 and you pay 1/3 of everything. Lavish spending on things he unilaterally wants comes out of his personal account, not joint.

How embarrassing for him that he earns significantly better than his wife, but mummy and daddy are still paying his way while you struggle. If this was us, and Dh got a windfall from family, and he wanted a new bathroom, as the higher earner, he’d consider that money my contribution and top up the rest personally, so that I didn’t pay a thing.

cheddercherry · 30/05/2025 19:34

You’re meant to be a family unit and you earn significantly less so of course you shouldn’t be left with nothing trying to pay “your half” never mind being billed for things for the family home that have been gifted entirely?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 30/05/2025 19:34

thedancingclown · 30/05/2025 19:31

Easy fix - got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half

I would suggest you owe him nothing as his parents paid for it. Offer to pay half to his parents and explain why i.e. your DH thinks you owe him money and see how that conversation goes.

p.s. start charging for housework on a hourly rate.

This is the perfect response.

Dweetfidilove · 30/05/2025 19:35

Comedycook · 30/05/2025 19:32

(I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

So his version of equality doesn't extend to housework and childcare. How convenient.

Men are out here having the time of their pretty lil lives. Women doing all the 'wife work' and paying half or all the bills for the privilege. They're on to a good thing.

KingofMay · 30/05/2025 19:35

He’s got the new bathroom he wanted paid for by his parents and now he’s looking for half from you? So he’ll actually be in profit? Hell no!