Splitting costs 50/50

[LiquoriceAllsorts2]

I am struggling with the pressure of dh expecting me to pay 50% of everything. We both work full time in fairly well paid jobs but he earns significantly more and get a lot from parents and a lot of our money goes on childcare, mortgage and other bills. I get it’s fair that I pay for half but I can’t keep up with his spending.

he wants to buy things/have a lifestyle based on his earnings but always then tells me later that I need to pay my half. We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half - it was a gift from his parents meaning it was his money and not mine. The pressure to keep up is so hard. I would love to reduce hours whilst the children are young but there is no way I can (I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

I don’t really know what my question was but wanted to rant.

That’s really shit OP - especially as you’re married and have children!

Young adult DS earns more from his GF (and he has plenty of financial help from us, and his GF definitely won’t get that from her parents). I made sure he knew that when she moved in with him recently it would be unfair to split bills equally. She would struggle to pay half. Thankfully he already knew that.

This. I genuinely don't understand how married couples can operate in any other way. What happens if one of you gets sick and can't work for a while? Or is made redundant? Or is on maternity leave? What happens when one partner (usually the woman) earns less because she's sacrificed her career to have children, even temporarily? What about the gender pay gap, shouldn't that be taken into account?

OP, he's financially abusing you. It's a ridiculous situation, and I'd be reading him the riot act. If he doesn't see sense, I'd be leaving. You are worth so much more than this. It's absolutely not fair that you pay 50%. And it's funny how he expects this while you also put in more than 50% effort in childcare, housework etc.

While I'm not religious, I do think the traditional wedding vows are so much better than some of the namby pamby modern vows. If everyone had to say 'for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health' and 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow', maybe they'd understand a bit more about the partnership that is marriage.

This is class!!
I would say his parents would be bloody horrified.

Great advice already, my not great advice would be to pay the parents. My guess, they’d be horrified by the suggestion.

Agree that this is financial abuse

This is ridiculous! Where is the family unit? What happened when you were on mat leave?

I don't see how this can work. He is not only incredibly selfish and inconsiderate of you and actually trying to claw his way up the financial ladder by pushing his partner down. You can't unilaterally decide to take 100% of a gift for the bathroom and then make profit off it by charging your supposed partner for it. I'd tell his parents what he's done.

I agree with all the other posters re money overall - this is ridiculous.

But I'll add - so he thinks that any gift from his parents to you a sa family is ONLY for him? which suggests that he doesn't really see you as a key part of your family and/or that he's actually defrauding his PARENTS because I bet you they gave him the money for the FULL cost of the bathroom and would be horrified to know that you then ALSO had to pay half.

50:50 is not fair unless you have a similar income. Fair is paying proportionate to your incomes or putting all the money together and having equal fun money.

It is not fair to unilaterally decided to do something and the charge you after. It's certainly not fair to charge you for something he didn't even pay for. Do his parents know that he wants reimbursement of their gift?

Honestly, I think he's a financially abusive prick. I can't understand why anyone would leave their "partner" someone the purport to love skint while they have money. Abuse and control are the only reasons for this.

Do his parents know he is trying to make you pay half? I’d offer to give the money directly to them, I bet he’d be mortified if they knew how he was treating you!

Divorce Divorce Divorce.

I don’t know how you got yourself into this marriage and had kids with this man, but get out now.

Regarding the bathroom, he didn’t pay anything so text his parents and said, “Husband says I owe half the cost of the bathroom so let me know how much you spent it on and I’ll send you half of that.”

Go straight to them. Embarrass the dickhead and then, when you leave him, the in laws won’t be fooled by the lies he will tell.

This is just so horribly mean (as well as financially abusive!). I imagine his parents would be horrified. Is he controlling in other ways?

At the very least, I'd immediately let him know that he cannot spend (assuming you'll cover 50%) without getting a 100% yes from you in advance. No holidays, meals out, new bathrooms etc. I think you also need to scale back to 50% of housework, childcare etc. in the longer term, I'd be wondering if this is sustainable, he just doesn't seem to have much care for you.

I would say to him you are going to speak to his parents and tell them to stop giving him money because you cannot afford to pay him back. See how he reacts to that.
Stop doing all the housework too.
When he suggests something he wants to spend money on, say no, you can’t afford it so you won’t be going/contributing.

In my marriage, I do all the housework and a majority of the childcare, and DH pays for almost everything. You’re definitely getting a shit deal, OP!

Tell him what percentage of your income you’re willing to spend on each incurred expense, and if he wants to spend more to live more luxuriously, he can spend his own money. He can also do half of everything else!

Wow. I outearn my husband significantly (currently my salary is 4 times higher). I would not and have not even dreamt of us paying half and half, particularly with kids. He sounds mean as hell - does he have any other redeeming features?

A relationship - certainly when living together and especially once and if a family comes along - should be based upon equity and not equality.
Equality says that everyone, no matter their circumstance, must put in the same amount (of money for instance). So no matter what you earn all bills will be split 50/50.
Equity says that things should be arranged so that the outcome means no one is unfairly burdened. So therefore for a household, financially, you all put in everything to a joint account and all bills and costs are paid from that and whatever remains is saved or spent by the household.
Equity allows for difference and it understands that everyone contributes different things of benefit. For instance, a stay at home parent may not be able to contribute financially, but my goodness they are propping up the family in other ways. They certainly shouldn’t be financially compromised because of it.
I have never understood those partnerships when one earns considerably more than the other and, rather than wanting to share their good fortune, expects to be able to live a completely different class of lifestyle to their partner. It’s unfair and incredibly mean. And it also puts money above everything else. ‘My earning more than you makes me better than you’. Nonsense. Certain careers and jobs pay more money than others. Is an aid worker in a war zone trying to provide food, shelter and medical aid somehow less worthy than some arse of a banker investing in the very weapons aiding the war in the first place? Of course not. But financially they are worlds apart.

So he wants to turn a profit on a gift from
his parents? I’d tell him to fuck off.

If you’re 50/50 financially you need to be 50/50 on everything else- childcare, chores all of it. He is taking the piss.

I think you need to divorce him and take 1/2 of everything. I'd also give him 50:50 but proper 50:50 where he's responsible for everything on his days,pick ups,drop offs, sick days, holiday care, school uniforms, after school clubs, breakfast, lunch and dinner, homework EVERYTHING.

Me and my DP aren’t married (yet) and we calculate everything so that we both have the same amount of spending money left over (except he has his sons DLA money on top but obviously that’s not joint money it’s for his DS so I would never dream of counting it). Gifts, bonuses, interest on savings, inheritances etc. are for whoever got them to do as they wish with but mostly we spend it on our kids anyway so it’s a moot point.

you need to tell your husband this isn’t working and isn’t fair.

For us, we'd happily support each other if one of us became ill and couldn't work for a while or is temporarily out of work through redundancy. But day to day with us both healthy and working FT? We prefer the 50/50 setup and it works for us.

I didn't sacrifice my career to have my DC so I can't answer that one but for maternity leave, I had a savings account for it and DH contributed half of the savings.

Honestly. Leave and never look back. What a cunt.

I would ask his parents if you can pay them back in instalments. See what they think of their son’s behaviour.

@LiquoriceAllsorts2
Sit down and work out how much a cleaner, nanny, laundry service and a chef would cost him per week and start billing him for it. If he refuses to pay start deducting it from your half of the bills and don't pay a single penny towards the bathroom.
On a more serious note what your husband is doing is financial abuse and you need to leave him and consider reporting him to the police

This really isn’t right @LiquoriceAllsorts2 .

The chores should be shared equally and so should the money. Your DH is an arse.

OP that is absolutely not fair! You don’t go 50/50, you pay your proportion based on salary. Better yet you pool family money and each have equal access. He wants you to pay him half for the bathroom he didn’t pay for. So he gets a new bathroom and £££ cash!! He sounds awful! Offer to give the money back to his parents and see what he says then. That’s honestly diabolical!

Ans he should be supporting you to go PT (if it’s affordable!)