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AIBU?

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Original poster

Splitting costs 50/50

121 replies

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2025 19:18

I am struggling with the pressure of dh expecting me to pay 50% of everything. We both work full time in fairly well paid jobs but he earns significantly more and get a lot from parents and a lot of our money goes on childcare, mortgage and other bills. I get it’s fair that I pay for half but I can’t keep up with his spending.

he wants to buy things/have a lifestyle based on his earnings but always then tells me later that I need to pay my half. We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half - it was a gift from his parents meaning it was his money and not mine. The pressure to keep up is so hard. I would love to reduce hours whilst the children are young but there is no way I can (I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

I don’t really know what my question was but wanted to rant.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 31/05/2025 11:32

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 31/05/2025 10:44

I received full pay during maternity leave so continued paying everything 50/50

This is insane. Everything about this post is insane. Why are you accepting all this? Were you somehow under the impression that your financial setup was the norm?!

Hello87abc · 31/05/2025 14:17

Message the PIL and offer to pay your half to them. When they say no….thank them for the wonderful gift. Then ask your husband why he wants half when it’s his parents money and they’ve gifted it

Therealjudgejudy · 31/05/2025 14:29

What in the fresh hell have i just read??

He is an abusive prick op. I'd stop doing anything for him.

MoominMai · 31/05/2025 15:02

I don’t really know what my question was

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 Maybe not, but a lot of the PPs seem to have the answer. I hope you seriously consider their advice. Feel sorry that you have an OH so bloody mindedly pursuing an exact half half split and determined to make you cough up for everything regardless of where the money came from and if that percentage split is proportionate to your income/fair based on all else you do in the house.

Bigcat25 · 31/05/2025 15:15

You need financial counseling. The bathroom thing is unbelievable. It's the same as if his parents bought you dinner and then he billed you for yours.

MrsKeats · 31/05/2025 15:37

He wants to charge you half of something that was a GIFT!! That’s truly insane.

TheignT · 31/05/2025 15:42

Next time you see his parents id apologise for not being able to give them half the money for the bathroom immediately as you're finding money a struggle at the moment. If, as I hope, they say you don't owe anything as it was a gift say he's told you that you have to pay half. I'm sure they will put him right.

AFrankExchangeofViews · 31/05/2025 15:47

Why is your labour free to him? I’d start billing him for his half of all it. Every single minute you do more than him he gets billed. And don’t forget your pregnancy labour, he’ll owe you many tens of thousands for that. Look up the surrogacy rates for the pregnancy itself, and then bill him half of your wages for the mat leave.

But realistically he is a financially abusive wanker. I’d be planning my well thought out exit strategy aimed to cause maximum financial damage to him.

Jellyrols · 31/05/2025 15:50

This is financial abuse.
Men do this sneakily to keep you stressed and stuck.

Get on to Women's aid for a chat.
This is not a good man.

Tell family the truth.
Tell his family that he wants half the cost of the bathroom.

He's a fxxking disgrace.
Shame him.
Don't give him a penny.
Time you go legal advice.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 31/05/2025 15:51

Your husband is horrible.

Jellyrols · 31/05/2025 15:53

Stop sex.
You do not ever want to get pregnant with this pig again.
How can you even stomach to look at him.?

Butchyrestingface · 31/05/2025 15:54

We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half -

You need to start spending your money on therapy to get to the bottom of why you are with this terrible human being.

I'd also be inclined to tell his parents about how he expects their gift to be apportioned. With a bit of luck, they'll think he's a C U Next Tuesday too.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/05/2025 15:59

Butchyrestingface · 31/05/2025 15:54

We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half -

You need to start spending your money on therapy to get to the bottom of why you are with this terrible human being.

I'd also be inclined to tell his parents about how he expects their gift to be apportioned. With a bit of luck, they'll think he's a C U Next Tuesday too.

This.

There are so many threads on here where the woman doesn’t even know she’s being abused.

it isn’t even the point here that this man is an arsehole.

it is more about what has happened in the ops life to make her not know that he is.

TunnocksOrDeath · 31/05/2025 16:07

I think every family has to find something that they're all comfortable with, so there's different ways to achieve "fair", but you are clearly not comfortable with the level of spending he insists on, so something has to give. Either you spend less as a family and he grows a nice big personal savings pot for his mid-life-crisis Maserati (he sounds the type, sorry) or you each put in an amount that reflects the imbalance in earnings.
Do his parents know that he's pocketed half the cash they gave him to get the bathroom done and bullied you into paying the other half?
I'd find a way of dropping it into conversation next time there's a family lunch and see what the reaction is. "Oh Jane and John, thank you SO MUCH for paying Nick's half of the new bathroom. I was a bit stressed about the cost, but it looks lovely now it's all done, doesn't it?"

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 31/05/2025 16:20

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2025 19:18

I am struggling with the pressure of dh expecting me to pay 50% of everything. We both work full time in fairly well paid jobs but he earns significantly more and get a lot from parents and a lot of our money goes on childcare, mortgage and other bills. I get it’s fair that I pay for half but I can’t keep up with his spending.

he wants to buy things/have a lifestyle based on his earnings but always then tells me later that I need to pay my half. We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half - it was a gift from his parents meaning it was his money and not mine. The pressure to keep up is so hard. I would love to reduce hours whilst the children are young but there is no way I can (I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

I don’t really know what my question was but wanted to rant.

Honestly? I'd look into a divorce.

He earns significantly more but requires you to pay 50%?
His parents give him extra money on top of that and he requires you to pay 50%?
His parents paid for your bathroom with their money, but he wants half more from you?

He's a giant arsehole. I would divorce him.

Do not reduce your hours to subsidise his life style and cook/clean for him.
Stop doing this to yourself. He's not worth it. He really isn't.

Get a good lawyer.

hcee19 · 31/05/2025 21:39

He's sounds like...what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too..How tight is he? You are supposed to be a partnership, generally means sharing everything...We have a joint account, both our salaries go into the account, all bills are paid, so much goes into a savings account each month and the rest we each do what we want, no questions asked. We never fall out over money, doesn't matter who earns the most, we share....

grumpygrape · 31/05/2025 22:06

I’ll just say I’m of the group/generation/mindset where if you are married all income is joint. All bills are paid from the join funds and major outgoings are agreed.

I know this seems very old fashioned but that’s how we’ve managed for nearly 50 years despite our incomes being inequal one way or the other, sometimes significantly.

The concept of ‘my’ or ‘his’ money hasn’t existed. I’m not criticising different arrangements but I don’t understand the concept.

The idea of you owing him for half of something that was a gift is weird.

Hankunamatata · 31/05/2025 22:25

Nope. You should be paying proportionally. So if dh earns double what you earn say he earns £100 and you earn £50. You contribute £25 and he contributes £75. Your both left with same spending

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/05/2025 22:30

cheddercherry · 30/05/2025 19:36

Just seen also that his idea of 50/50 doesn’t manage to trickle down to parenting and housework… what a surprise… not. Sounds like a right catch.

This!

But also, no you don’t owe him half, and no you shouldn’t be paying 50:50 when you earn so much less.

This is no kind of marriage!

MrsSunshine2b · 31/05/2025 23:07

This is financial abuse OP and hopefully you see that now. He sounds like a horrible man.

Jeschara · 31/05/2025 23:35

He is financially conrolling and making all the desitions, you are ensbling this. Please do not give him half towards the bathroom.
He sounds unpleasant and greedy.

You have 3 choices, put up with it, say no to the financial Controlling, or leave because this greedy man will not get better. He sounds revolting.

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