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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Splitting costs 50/50

121 replies

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 30/05/2025 19:18

I am struggling with the pressure of dh expecting me to pay 50% of everything. We both work full time in fairly well paid jobs but he earns significantly more and get a lot from parents and a lot of our money goes on childcare, mortgage and other bills. I get it’s fair that I pay for half but I can’t keep up with his spending.

he wants to buy things/have a lifestyle based on his earnings but always then tells me later that I need to pay my half. We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half - it was a gift from his parents meaning it was his money and not mine. The pressure to keep up is so hard. I would love to reduce hours whilst the children are young but there is no way I can (I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

I don’t really know what my question was but wanted to rant.

OP posts:
CheeseyOnionPie · 30/05/2025 19:35

This is madness. There is no way in hell I would agree to this.
Bill him his half for your chef / housekeeping / childcare services. Surely he owes you half of a standard surrogacy fee for your baby carrying services?

OP he is financially abusing you. This is not normal and you don’t deserve it.

wwyd2021medicine · 30/05/2025 19:36

Are you married?
Are you on the deeds?

cheddercherry · 30/05/2025 19:36

Just seen also that his idea of 50/50 doesn’t manage to trickle down to parenting and housework… what a surprise… not. Sounds like a right catch.

Didimum · 30/05/2025 19:37

No, OP, you pay proportionate to take home pay. Full stop. And you also do not pay anything for a purchase you don’t agree with or can’t compromise on.

My DH earns 50% more than me so pays 50% more than me.

Whiteflowerscreed · 30/05/2025 19:37

That’s horrendous!!

we paid childcare proportionately. He paid 66% of the fee and I paid 34% as that reflected our earnings!!!

also a gift from his parents that he trying to charge you for. How cruel

Danioyellow · 30/05/2025 19:38

What are his parents like? I’d get the half you apparently owe him, and try and give it to his parents seeing as that’s who actually paid for it. I wonder what their reaction would be if you told them their son wanted you to pay half the money for the bathroom

Meadowfinch · 30/05/2025 19:39

Tell him NO.

If he earns 60K and you earn 40k then you pay 40% of costs, and he pays 60% of costs.

Or better, the whole lot goes in a central pot, and you have equal monthly 'fun money' and a shared savings account.

Also, renovations need to be agreed on by both parties or they don't happen.

cinnamongirl123 · 30/05/2025 19:39

Wtaf OP! ‘D’H can jog on! As in, fuck off! Honestly that bathroom fuckery would probably have me at LTB - it shows that he doesnt care about you at all! You’d be much better off and happier without that horrific man

Sherararara · 30/05/2025 19:39

shedroof · 30/05/2025 19:34

I just do not understand these type of dynamics. Once DH and I got engaged we pooled all our money because we’re a team. For a while I earned more than him, now he earns more than me, but it’s always been our money. Our wages go into a joint account that all bills and expenses come out of and anything social we do together. Plus we have our independence by having a standing order into our own accounts every month (we do £250 each) to spend on whatever we like.
I just don’t understand couples, especially those with kids who don’t do this.

Exactly this. We have one joint account and pool everything. DH has always significantly out earned me and it’s never been an issue. Because we’re a team and because we communicate.

Sunrise8888 · 30/05/2025 19:39

You should tell him you’ll only pay for things you approve and can afford. Otherwise tell him you cannot afford it, however if he wants to buy it then it’s up to him what he spends his money on. Totally unfair OP. It sounds like a business partnership and not marriage.

justusandthecat · 30/05/2025 19:42

We do 50/50 and all other money is our own. I know in Mumsnet world this is considered outrageous since we have kids but works for us. Neither one of us would dream of committing to a big joint spend without discussion. And the idea of trying to get him to pay half of something I didn’t even pay for in the first place is madness. He’s an arse OP. Tell him to piss off.

millymoo1202 · 30/05/2025 19:42

Wow! Thought my exh was tight but this is a whole new level!

Naunet · 30/05/2025 19:42

Well he's an arsehole isn't he?

Why exactly is he so militant about everything being 50/50 when it comes to finances but not parenting and house work then, what's his excuse?

I'm going to guess it's because he works longer hours and if thats the case, tough shit. You don't get to benefit from the perk of his job (more money) so why should he benefit from the perk of yours (more free time)?

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2025 19:43

I just don’t get (thankfully) how relationships like this evolve:
David ‘Can I have your half for the bathroom my parents gifted to us.’
Martha ‘don’t be so blooming stupid.’

he’s my ex now for other reasons, but it wouldn’t have occurred to him to not completely share ‘his’ money with me once we had dc. It’s just bonkers and not even a discussion.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/05/2025 19:44

He wants 50/50 then divorce and more likely you'd get 60/40 in your favour!

Fluffypussycat · 30/05/2025 19:44

Goodness me, how tight-fisted of him! I’ve been married 13 years to a man who earns twice what I do. We don’t have a joint account. There’s no way he would ask me to pay a percentage towards any expenditure. I do give him something towards holidays and home renovations etc but it’s all off my own back.

nomas · 30/05/2025 19:44

This is not a marriage, this is a loan shark.

Tell him you’re not paying him a penny. What’s he doing to do?

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/05/2025 19:46

50/50 can work but it really isn't fair in your situation because it only applies financially which obviously suits DH but not you. If it's 50/50, it needs to be applied across the board which includes cooking, childcare etc.

Elektra1 · 30/05/2025 19:46

He’s a prick and I’d be telling his parents the bit about him expecting you to cough up half of the bathroom cost.

Seriously, people like this do not get better. You’d be better off alone, at least then you’d be in control of your budget.

Elektra1 · 30/05/2025 19:48

And if you get divorced, you’d probably end up with more than half of what he considers “his” if you earn less and have more of the childcare burden. So perhaps he should start thinking about that now.

Winterymix · 30/05/2025 19:49

It's not fair that you pay half when you earn less! I earn more than DH by at least 30% and we budget based on an equal amount of personal spending money each and everything else into the shared pot. To me, that's fair.

Newnamesagain · 30/05/2025 19:50

Presumably you invoice him for his half of the childcare and other stuff you do?

user1471453601 · 30/05/2025 19:50

You know the saying "from each according to their ability, to each according to their need"? Trade Mark, I think, to K Marx.

That is the fair way to split money. Your husband didn't find 50% of the bathroom, his family funded 100%, thats fuck all to do with you.

If he earns more than you, then a fair share of expenditure would be based on income. So, for example, if he earns 25% more than you, then he pays 25% more of the bills.

Unless, of course, he thinks he works 25% harder than you, in which case LTB.

ScaryM0nster · 30/05/2025 19:51

While many ther comments are valid - as a constructive suggestion, sit down and explain that you’re living well beyond what’s affordable for you and if going to continue to split things 50/59 then need to set a new budget and stick to what’s affordable to you.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/05/2025 19:52

justusandthecat · 30/05/2025 19:42

We do 50/50 and all other money is our own. I know in Mumsnet world this is considered outrageous since we have kids but works for us. Neither one of us would dream of committing to a big joint spend without discussion. And the idea of trying to get him to pay half of something I didn’t even pay for in the first place is madness. He’s an arse OP. Tell him to piss off.

We are the same. It works well for us too.