Splitting costs 50/50

[LiquoriceAllsorts2]

I am struggling with the pressure of dh expecting me to pay 50% of everything. We both work full time in fairly well paid jobs but he earns significantly more and get a lot from parents and a lot of our money goes on childcare, mortgage and other bills. I get it’s fair that I pay for half but I can’t keep up with his spending.

he wants to buy things/have a lifestyle based on his earnings but always then tells me later that I need to pay my half. We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half - it was a gift from his parents meaning it was his money and not mine. The pressure to keep up is so hard. I would love to reduce hours whilst the children are young but there is no way I can (I do all the cooking/ laundry/ a lot more of the work with the children etc)

I don’t really know what my question was but wanted to rant.

Next time you meet up with PIL (when DH is present) say to them “thank you so much for the bathroom DH really loves it - I do too, but before you give any other present, would you check with me first. I can’t afford DH’s insistence that I pay him half the value of everything you give him. I’m so sorry- it really was a lovely thought.

Then watch him squirm.

We split our bills in proportion with our take home income
There have been times when I have earned much less as I was still a student and graduated a 18months before I did and started working. We split bills proportionally and our social life and holiday expenditure etc was adjust to what I could afford as the lower earner.

When I was part time after having my daughter I think our split was 45:55 based my core salary, however my bonus could bring me either on par or close to my partner's salary. In those years I'd recalculate my annual take home pay and pay a lump sum of my pay into the joint account. We have our joint account set up to pay probably 98% of our expenditure and our personal accounts are for savings, personal clothing beyond basics and presents for our respective families.
We are now in a civil partnership and I'm on a career break and will be a SAHM for 1-2 years due to circumstances. My partner is fully funding our life. We have periodic had money from his parents but that has always been considered has household money. They helped us buy our last car and used that money and then split the remainder 50:50 but before agreeing to this we determine if it was affordable for me as well as him. We would have come up with a different solution otherwise.

Chores when he is at work are all me obviously. Chores when he is home from work are split according to availability and functionality. We have our own jobs that we will do more often than other just as they fit with our skills. My partner can't see past tomorrow so food shopping and washing isn't in his wheelhouse. I can plan ahead readily so I take on these jobs. I don't see mess and struggle with jobs that need to doing daily. My partner is much better as these so he does those jobs more often. It means that most weeks everything is covered without too much drama. It's about working as a team.

I would say your relationship very much does not look like a team. Even if it was right for you to pay half of the bathroom the discussion about this should have been at the planning stage and factor into the selection of the bathroom when fitting it. If one party wants a high spec finish than the other party can afford they should pay at least the difference between what's affordable and the spec they want or the full amount.

There seems to be a lack of financial communication within the relationship and would question how the communication and dynamic of the relationship are in general.

This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. What's the point of being married? You're not a partnership. It actually sounds like financial abuse

This sounds miserable @AnonWho23 . I see another poster said to ask PIL directly about if the money was for his half of the bathroom only or for the whole family, I would be tempted to do that. Do you think he'd be happy for others to know how he behaves? I bet he wouldn't, financial abusers depend on their victims keeping quiet (which is what he's doing, it's financial abuse in order to keep you under his control)

That is quite shocking. My husband earns double what I do and he pays double what I do into our joint account so we are both left with roughly the same to spend on what we want. I couldn't be with someone like that. The bathroom thing just beggars belief!

Bill him for his share of pregnancy and childbirth, and any ongoing issues. Based on my shitty experiences, his debt would be in seven figures. The ongoing issues would keep him in debt til retirement, and that’s before you factor in all the childcare and mental load etc you’re doing for free just now.

Oh, that’s not fair? Why not?

I couldn't live with someone this mean. Why get married if not to share everything?

Thanks for all your messages. I had thought his behaviour was unreasonable but hadn’t realised it was this bad. It’s good to get other people’s perspectives.

We got a new bathroom a few months ago which his parents kindly paid for but he has now said I owe him for my half - it was a gift from his parents meaning it was his money and not mine.

WTAF?

I'm sorry what now?

He wants you to pay him? because his parents paid for it and not your half?

Fuck right off you chancer, id divorce him for that type of shit.

If he earns more, he pays a higher % of everything. Split to reflect earning, bills 70/30 type thing. Not making a profit from the other AFTER THE FACT!

Unfortunately he doesn’t work longer hours, we both work full time hours with expected overtime and on the whole my overtime is probably a lot more.

He seems fairly awful and lacks generosity; it’s unbelievable that he expects you to pay him for a gift from his parents! You could try counselling but long term I can’t see that you’re compatible so I’d start planning to leave him and take your rightful share!

So you work more do more overtime more housework more childcare and he wants you to pay him half the bathroom cost his parents paid for

that is truly truly awful - what would his parents say if you told them

Honestly sounds abusive.

does he have a drug or gambling problem? I would refuse to pay for the bathroom. It was a gift.

tell him he needs to start doing 50% of the childcare and housework too.

What the dancing clown said.

It's do sad relationships haven't turned out Luke this I'd be so upset if my dds married someone like this!!

As pp said it's the marriages vows.
Your taking Some kinds fine

What a horrible human you’re married to. It’s disgusting that he expects you to pay half of everything despite working the same hours, and taking on most of the labour at home, and that even worse, he wants to financially benefit from a gift from his parents. I vote for shaming him for now and working on your exit plan for the longer term. Message his parents and say the following

Hello. Sorry to reach out unexpectedly and about such a sensitive topic but I wanted to speak to you about the gift of the bathroom. Unfortunately I wasn’t aware at the time of the gift being made that there would be an expectation of me repaying dh for half of this as in his words the gift is from his parents so I owe him. While i’m happy to do this if this is your wish, I wanted to check that was your wish before I make a repayment plan with him. Unfortunately it would be need to be paid via a repayment as I need to continue to pay 50/50 with dh for all our outgoings and I cannot seek any additional work because I am the person at home who takes on the majority of the childcare and household tasks.

This is completely unreasonable. I earn more than DP and have more money saved/home equity. I have protected myself in the sense of a deed of trust ringfencing my massive deposit to our home and we keep separate savings.

On the daily living basis however, we split all costs proportional to income and I pick up more of our fun spending costs. When we first got together, I earned triple what he did and covered nearly everything. Now our salary disparity is more 60:40 and we split accordingly. I'm very mindful to either spend within his means or pick up the slack myself.

We aren't even married or have children!

Charge him for all the cleaning etc you do. Oh wait, no, just get out of there as soon as feasibly possible. This man has no respect for you, doesn’t treat you as an equal, it doesn’t even sound as though he likes you very much.

He is an utter failure as a man, as a husband and as a father if he is putting you under this sort of pressure.

I would give him an ultimatum, and one more chance to sort himself out, to repent of his shitty behaviour towards you and become a decent human being. Just one chance. and yes, shame him to his parents. I bet they will be horrified to learn that he is profiting at your expense. What a disgusting and embarrassing excuse for a man.

Oh OP, he's such an asshole. I feel so sorry for you. And angry on your behalf. You really need to sit down with him and explain how this is not working for you. You're supposed to be a family ; a team. I do all cooking, laundry, cleaning and everything related to our 2 children (12 and 15 but one autistic) BUT I don't work. My DH works so his salary is our salary while I "work" for our family. He couldn't have kept his work if he had to be responsible for childcare so we chose to do it this way. It's fair; I get some free time during the day when they have school and he knows he is free to do whatever he wants to in the evening/week-ends (I go to bed early so suits me).

How did you split costs when you were on maternity leave and pregnant OP? Has he always been like this or has it changed?

I would refuse to pay him for the bathroom.

Do you have your own bank account OP? I would stop paying for things completely at this point. Focus on keeping up with the childcare costs and start telling your friends, family and colleagues what his position is and how you’re treated. Shame him.

I would also start checking paperwork, looking for accounts and get prepared. What he is doing is complete financial abuse. I don’t mean the concept of 50/50 but asking for money after the bathroom was done from money he received from his parents without prior discussion. I bet he hides money. Do you get on with his parents?

I received full pay during maternity leave so continued paying everything 50/50

@LiquoriceAllsorts2 whst are you going to do because it must be a lot to have strangers tell you what a financially abusive and unfair situation you are in

Hello - wow! This is crazy.

However as you have to pay 50/50 of everything - say you are assessing your budget and need advance notice of any expenditure so you can budget. Then just say no to anything that doesn’t work for you. But budget items etc. Downsize his life and say that’s what you’re willing to go 50/50 on. He can get a grip and contributed to family and quality of life.

I also echo socialising the gift payment to his parents - I’m sure they’ll be shocked.

But on the whole it’s financially manipulative if not abusive behaviour.

We do all money in one pot - we are a family.

At the very least he needs to do 50% of the work if he’s so adamant it’s 50/50. He can outsource and pay for his 50% if necessary.

But fundamentally this is an unhealthy relationship, you don’t even get a chance to say I can’t afford this.

Pay his parents your 50% back. They didn’t offer to pay for half a bathroom and give him cash for the other half, but if that has to be the case then give them your half back. It’s only fair!

Id be reevaluating the whole relationship.

So, this isn’t new behaviour? He has always been like this… and you married him and had kids with him? Did you have a bad upbringing or something that meant you thought this was all normal?

This isn’t normal. This isn’t ok. Leave him. He won’t change, you made the mistake of getting into it with him but you don’t need to spend your life with him. His parents give you gifts and he demands the money from you.. is he is making a profit? On top of you paying half of everything when he is choosing expensive options to suit his income, not yours and you’re doing all the bloody housework and parenting. Just leave. You’ve got enough money for your own so pack up, take the kids and go.