Loud parenting in public spaces

[76born]

AIBU to say that even as a parent of two, I find loud parenting and following this, loud children really bloody annoying.
Two examples this week which have had me furious 😡 (I’m obviously bored and need to get a life)
Example one, sat in a cafe now enjoying a cup of tea whilst my two build Lego (it’s a Lego cafe) and one parent is commenting on her child’s building skills, eg “oh wow Timothy, great building of a really high tower Timothy, look jacasta, look how high Timothy’s tower is” (names changed). Now dad joins in. His I’m really mean..
Example two, walking home from school last week when a young g child of about two being pushed in a pushchair mumbled and pointed at something. Mum, in the loudest, poshest voice ever, “yes darling, that black Range Rover is like the one found at grampy’s house”.
i am perimenopause, I get the rage at minor things and just would enjoy your thoughts and of course, examples, to add to this thread.
I thank you

This exactly. I always think how bored the child must be, constantly being lectured to instead of just having a normal conversation.

For me it’s that these parents’ sense of entitlement that they can be so, so loud and ruin the atmosphere for every other user. It’s not the child making all the noise. One example was an adults well-being session in my local park. It was clearly advertised as adults only but the mother just had to walk her toddler all around the campfire and relaxation area and exclaim loudly about everything to them - the toddler did not give a shit and just wanted to go to the swings!

Thank you for saying this @GregoryFluff My DD has recently found people eye rolling at her because her child is deaf. A lot of the replies on this thread are so bitchy without considering WHY a parent is talking loudly or trying to make child/ren feel included. Perhaps the next time some of you judge people for “performance parenting” take a step back and ask are their actions or voice impacting your day. Good grief, some of you need to go hug a tree or touch some grass to calm down.

Imagine having such bad main character syndrome you think someone walking down the street and talking to their child about what’s going on is for your benefit 😂

I’ll enjoy my next stroll through Cambs confident I’ll be surrounded by equally performative parents I guess

I did the same

I think the whole point is that a random person on the street has no way of knowing whether someone is putting up a performance for their benefit or whether they always behave like that. How do you know that you engaging with your daughter wasn't considered cringe and performance parenting by someone else? If this thread is representative of real life and there are really so many judgmental and pre-judiced people out there then there definitely would have been someone judging you for all kinds of things thst you might consider perfectly normal.

I mean whatever the Google definition says basically performance parenting seems to be anything that the person who is judging doesn't do themselves. So if you don't eat kale then pretend selling kale is performance parenting. Or if you can't get silly with a toddler it's performance parenting. If you don't know much about a topic it's performance parenting if others talk to their kids about it. If someone has an accent different to yours it's peeformance parenting (especially if it's american obviously) Etc. It's ridiculous. It's basically just people trying to find something to be nasty about.

The mum would get slagged off on here

Well yes, but there's also a middle ground is there not? The one where parents are engaging with their children but not in a loud and annoying way?

You can see when it's a performance by the DCs reactions. They've either had enough and, with glazed eyes, nod along. Or, if promised a treat for good behaviour, they play along and join in the act.
The DC who are engaged in normal conversations have normal conversations as their parents aren't acting.
Some adults create a performance in public with each other (scream laughing - look at us being funny we must have the whole room see us all evening) so it's not just aimed at annoying people when out with their DCs.

Loud people in general are annoying, especially posh ones. I can forgive young children more easily as they’re so small but adults with loud voices seem to feel they deserve to impact on people around them.

Sometimes, the children are the performative dickheads.

My partner met me in Tesco once after taking our daughter to the dentist (she was 13 at the time). I started loading the shopping onto the conveyor and my daughter said “Oh no. Not the own-brand beans… Yuck.” then looked at me and said “when’s payday?” 🤦🏻‍♀️

Now, “big brand” beans are lovingly referred to as “payday beans”.

This girl was born and raised on 40p beans, so I’m not sure where she learnt this.

@KeenGreen I think that's lovely, IMO it's not really PP if you are following their lead, maybe others see it differently. I love the random stuff kids get obsessed with. A good parent rolls with that.

If I have to wait for my little Luca to win the nobel prize or to save a squirrel from drowning before I can praise him he'd never hear any praise...

And I can't be the only parent who fakes enthusiasm when your toddler asks you for the 100th time to open and close their fingers so they can pretend that you cleaned the toilet? Or even fake enthusiasm about something genuinely amazing when you have had a shitty day at work but don't want that to ruin your child's day?

Yes, it's fake and maybe grating but it's still for the benefit of my child and not some randoms who have got nothing better to do than to watch and judge us.

Yes, that too. Obviously there are people who are not very observant or insightful, and who tend to be tolerant of loud fakes, and easily impressed and manipulated by them.

"you have literally no way of knowing whether it’s just “fake public role-playing” on every occasion."

Who mentioned "every occasion"? Here we're clearly talking about the very obvious performance parents, and yes, we're judging them, because we're ordinary human beings with a functioning sense of right and wrong.

Using your child as a prop in a grotesque and self-centred social performance is not worthy behaviour.

Neither examples there sound bad.
A lego cafe is surely there to interact with the kids during. She may have been preparing for it falling over and starting the dialogue ready to say "we saw how tall it was".
And the car sounds like completely normal chat when on a walk.
I talk to our youngest DC constantly when shes in the pushchair as she doesn't like being in there so distracting her by looking at things extends the time before she starts crying to get out. It's for my benefit not anyone else's when I'm point out big trees/birds/different coloured cars as I don't want to end up with her crying and escaping the straps.

We go ice skating a lot and the last time we went there were some grandparents who proceeded to tape laminated animals, with according matching plastic animals, to the sides of the rink.

They then said to little Torvil, go point out the rabbit, or whatever.

The thing is though, all the other kids at the ice rink were messing around them, playing with the plastic animals, knocking them off etc.

As if ice skating isn't fun enough..!

I thought that was depressing too.

And then we wonder why our young people are growing up to be antisocial, unable to tolerate stress and performing poorly academically.....

I agree with you.

I live in a terribly middle class area where I often hear conversations like this, especially in restaurants. Eg to a three year old: “This flavour is umami.” More power to the parents who have these conversations which seem entirely age-inappropriate, if you ask me! I teach and when I encounter kids who know stuff like this, who tend to raise an eyebrow at what they know about, they have bags of cultural capital about loads of seemingly pointless knowledge beyond their years. Then they ace their exams in subjects like English where obscure references don’t go over their head like it does their peers.

I am now cringing reading this thread wondering if a neighbour had been able to hear me ‘performance parenting’ when talking clearly to my young child about bees ‘pollinating’, to give one example from this week. I’m sure some here will think I was, even though it was in my garden with no audience except my DC.

I think the easiet way to explain it is to compare it to mobile phone calls.

Most people can tell the difference from someone answering a call in a public place and saying in a moderated tone that they are on their way home and confirming that they got toilet roll.

It’s a bit different from Giles bellowing into the phone about his share prices on the train whilst deliberately catching other passengers eyes and shrugging and nodding in an exaggerated “what can you do?” way and letting out a braying laugh to show what a funny guy he is.

Most people can instantly tell the difference between a normal call and a performative one, it’s the same with parenting.

No one is even noticing people having a chat with their child or pointing things out to them, they will more then likely notice someone singing at the top of their voice and clapping then saying “Well done Pom Pom you are obviously musically gifted” whilst Pom Pom looks like she’s desperate for a bit of peace and quiet 😂.

This will have your eyes spinning like the wheels on Grampy's black Range Rover.

"When we go home what will we do? We'll light the AGA!"

Yes it's true.

Thought it was just me who was annoyed at performance parenting! I’m totally with the OP.

Example from my experience: a mother who’d brought her son (prob aged about 7) into busy ladies’ loos and proceeded loudly ‘Oh Oliver, which sink and which hand dryer would you like to choose?’ All the while women queuing, having to penguin it because their bladders full to bursting, waiting for dear floppy haired Oliver to skat about experimenting with the whole concept hand washing.

I wanted to make a joke of it. ‘He’s not the messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy’. But I was too British.

I’m with you. There was a grandmother doing this at the airport. I wanted to punch her in the face 😂😂😂😂 (of course, I wouldn’t but I was in my head)

They were already on the swing when I joined and he didn’t seem to be interacting with his child before I approached so I don’t think he ‘shut down’ because I was there! I wasn’t being so loud he couldn’t have interacted with his child.

You probably would have hated my songs, obviously they would be annoying to another adult but we were in a park and they were for the benefit of the child I was with, not other adults, and she enjoys the silly songs and being entertained! I’m aware there is a time and a place for being loud and over the top with kids but a park is certainly one of those times. If your reaction would be so extreme as to ‘hate every minute’ of a young child having fun making up silly songs with an adult at a park then that says more about you than me!

I don’t believe that’s true- I think, especially with little kids, parents tend to be over enthusiastic and expressive to encourage good behaviour and habits. Bitter old judgemental people really need to mind their business.