Page 11 | Loud parenting in public spaces

Loopylou7219 · 30/05/2025 21:05

Wow you really can't win can you 🙄 ignoring your child to look at your phone; wrong. Engaging with your child and god forbid, praising them in public; also wrong.

Smallhaircut · 30/05/2025 21:10

Oh for goodness sake. Can’t win. Don’t engage - you’re a terrible parent and probably sit your child in front of an iPad all day. Engage and talk to your child - you’re performative and annoying.
How about you stop judging and mind your own business.
You miserable person.

mummybear35 · 30/05/2025 21:11

I agree! Even my own kids (now 18 and 22) comment on it to say don’t parents teach their kids and themselves about ‘little voices’ esp when in public?! Can’t bear it, esp in supermarkets when everyone in surrounding aisles have to listen to what they’re having for dinner and what they need to buy! 😒 when I speak to my kids in public, be it a restaurant or in the plane or just on public transport, no one but my kids hear me unless you’re truly trying to eavesdrop! No one needs to hear but my kids so why shout it out?? Really gets on my nerves..

SilviaSnuffleBum · 30/05/2025 21:14

I'm dumb, as I thought performance/performative parenting was when a parent loudly chastised a child (in order to somehow convey that they're really good parents by putting boundaries in place in front of others).
I think I know what you mean, though.
In my town, there seems to be a lot of talking to offspring in a loud, carefully enunciated, explanatory feedback.
So, when little Mabel or Luca does a (non) amazing thing, this is loudly announced in an enthusiastic, singing song voice that would wake the dead.
I don't really do faux enthusiasm with my DC, but I do have to monitor my volume: I have a mainly 'kind', but booming voice worthy of a 1980s teacher, so I consciously monitor my volume and that of my twins.

Helpmeplease2025 · 30/05/2025 21:15

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/05/2025 17:14

I think another definition of it is when the parent is pretending the kid enjoys something when the kid doesn't give a shit. 'Look at the ducks, you love ducks don't you, there are more ducks there. Let's count them together!! 1,2,3,4 ducks!! See them swimming, you like swimming don't you...." meanwhile the child is licking a stone ignoring the ducks and the parent.

I always think when those kids can finally talk, their first words will be SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Helpmeplease2025 · 30/05/2025 21:20

Beetlebumz · 30/05/2025 18:11

Lots of people deliberately misunderstanding the op and what performance parenting is. Trust me it’s real. Visit any cafe in Richmond or similar areas you will hear many examples.

Cambridge is infested with them.

Curly66 · 30/05/2025 21:21

76born · 30/05/2025 12:56

AIBU to say that even as a parent of two, I find loud parenting and following this, loud children really bloody annoying.
Two examples this week which have had me furious 😡 (I’m obviously bored and need to get a life)
Example one, sat in a cafe now enjoying a cup of tea whilst my two build Lego (it’s a Lego cafe) and one parent is commenting on her child’s building skills, eg “oh wow Timothy, great building of a really high tower Timothy, look jacasta, look how high Timothy’s tower is” (names changed). Now dad joins in. His I’m really mean..
Example two, walking home from school last week when a young g child of about two being pushed in a pushchair mumbled and pointed at something. Mum, in the loudest, poshest voice ever, “yes darling, that black Range Rover is like the one found at grampy’s house”.
i am perimenopause, I get the rage at minor things and just would enjoy your thoughts and of course, examples, to add to this thread.
I thank you

Hideous. I’m on holiday at the moment. It’s so lovely and peaceful until we’ve got the “oh Aoife baby (🤮) you are just soo clever. Oh baby look at you. Oh babeee” whilst looking around waiting for people to comment. Followed by “Oh baby boy, you are just gorgeous ( he’s not) oh we ALL love you”. (We don’t). Thank god the bar sells DOUBLE vodka and orange at a cheap price. I’m ready to slash my wrists with a paper straw

Northeastmammy · 30/05/2025 21:24

There really is a difference between a conversation with your child and performance parenting. I’ve always engaged with my daughter (not loudly and not over the top) but there are some that are so cringe to listen to! By all means I’d rather that than someone on their phone the whole time, but it’s so grating when you know it’s put on!!
Another one I find annoying is over the top “telling off” when it’s not necessary, for everyone else’s benefit. For instance, a grandma was telling off a 3 year old loudly up and down the aisle, that he should like to share his things and he’s not nice to not share. Might just be a difference of opinion but that type of thing is just as annoying

Mt563 · 30/05/2025 21:26

I talk to my toddler about anything and everything, who knows what will take her fancy. She's so curious about everything.

Fargo79 · 30/05/2025 21:26

mummybear35 · 30/05/2025 21:11

I agree! Even my own kids (now 18 and 22) comment on it to say don’t parents teach their kids and themselves about ‘little voices’ esp when in public?! Can’t bear it, esp in supermarkets when everyone in surrounding aisles have to listen to what they’re having for dinner and what they need to buy! 😒 when I speak to my kids in public, be it a restaurant or in the plane or just on public transport, no one but my kids hear me unless you’re truly trying to eavesdrop! No one needs to hear but my kids so why shout it out?? Really gets on my nerves..

I'll tell my hearing impaired and developmentally delayed toddler to just...be less deaf then?

And before you say "oh it's not aimed at people like you", of course it fucking is. You have no idea why a parent might be speaking loudly because you're just a random passer by.

Maybe you should have taught your own children to be less judgemental.

LimitedBrightSpots · 30/05/2025 21:33

Ironfloor269 · 30/05/2025 19:25

Yesterday, we were walking down a very posh street in Marleybone and a dad was walking with a toddler DD. Dad was wearing the trademark middle class salmon shorts. They were looking at window displays at home furniture shops and the dad was talking to the toddler about…..wait for it….feng shui! 😂😂

I find this quite sweet really.

Arraminta · 30/05/2025 21:34

KeenGreen · 30/05/2025 20:25

Wow reading some of these comments I’ve probably been thought of as performative at times!

I’ll go by whatever my son (5) is interested in at that moment, I don’t do it for anyone else just him and try and tune into him.
Example from school run last week - son started practicing his number bonds to 10. 5+5 etc while scooting on his scooter
I kept asking what else makes 10, to keep him thinking about it and then shock horror praised him?!
it was quite loud, he was scooting fast ahead of me!

On another occasion he decided the pavement was lava apart from some markings, which were bridges we played the floor is lava all the way to school me following his lead.

We do stuff like this no matter who is around.

Posts and views like this make it so much h harder as a parent to do what you need to do be connected to your child and not have to worry about judgmental views.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

Oh. Dear.

Away2000 · 30/05/2025 21:44

Fargo79 · 30/05/2025 20:41

One of my children is disabled, pre-verbal and has poor hearing. You probably wouldn't know this from a brief observation of him. I always speak at a slightly raised level, very clearly enunciating my words and narrating everything he does, trying to engage him.

Threads like this always remind me that sadly, although we like to imagine we're just going about our day alongside nice, normal people who are minding their own business, actually there's usually some ignorant dickhead or other who's sat there judging us while we just try our best to support our child.

Not a very nice feeling when it occurs to me. But then I'm sure experiencing "rage" at random things that don't impact you is probably quite shit as well. You don't sound very pleasant and it appears to be affecting you more than the people around you.

It’s honestly sad how many people are making judgements on interactions between a parent/child that they know nothing about.

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 30/05/2025 21:56

‘Oh.Dear’…????
What @KeenGreen has described is completely lovely. And your response is ‘Oh.Dear’. How awful and, honestly, how incredibly sad.
As a kid my Dad and I would run around the woods playing Knights or Robin Hood or Cowboys or whatever, he too with a sword and whatever outfit we had put together.
On walks to school or wherever we would make up games or songs or, from when I was about 8, I’d ask him questions about history and music and (his profession) psychoanalysis.
I do the same for my daughter. If she is interested in something we will explore it and talk about it or play. If she wants me to do ballet or play make believe with her at home or in the park we will do that.
Now we won’t make awful noises in restaurants or public transport or wherever, but out on the street or in a park or on our walk to nursery? Absolutely. Dance like nobody can see and don’t give a toss about people’s judgement. (Note that absolutely does not mean forgetting kindness and manners which are two of the most important things in life), but my goodness don’t worry about other people’s judgement on how to live or look or be.
Judging this person for rather fun and generous parenting is a terrible look. I often feel deeply sad for the children of people who clearly are unable to engage on their children’s level or, often, show them emotion and empathy (certainly publicly).
Stop caring about what you think other people may think about you and start living!

AngelinaFibres · 30/05/2025 22:03

TheAmusedQuail · 30/05/2025 13:20

Over indulgent, performative parenting. Only slightly less irritating than gentle parenting no parenting.

I was in Waterstones cafe in Cheltenham this afternoon. Family in there making a lot of performative noise. Darling Tarquin( not real name obvs) decides to run all over the circle of leather armchairs the family were using Shoes on so that's foul in itself. Child slipped on the leather and banged his head on the coffee table. Cue screaming for 15 minutes. The word no is fantastically useful in child rearing.

Miyagi99 · 30/05/2025 22:05

I was going to say you’re unreasonable because I definitely over encouraged my child sometimes but then I heard it in the accent I assume you’re talking about and you’re absolutely not unreasonable 😂

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 30/05/2025 22:06

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 30/05/2025 21:56

‘Oh.Dear’…????
What @KeenGreen has described is completely lovely. And your response is ‘Oh.Dear’. How awful and, honestly, how incredibly sad.
As a kid my Dad and I would run around the woods playing Knights or Robin Hood or Cowboys or whatever, he too with a sword and whatever outfit we had put together.
On walks to school or wherever we would make up games or songs or, from when I was about 8, I’d ask him questions about history and music and (his profession) psychoanalysis.
I do the same for my daughter. If she is interested in something we will explore it and talk about it or play. If she wants me to do ballet or play make believe with her at home or in the park we will do that.
Now we won’t make awful noises in restaurants or public transport or wherever, but out on the street or in a park or on our walk to nursery? Absolutely. Dance like nobody can see and don’t give a toss about people’s judgement. (Note that absolutely does not mean forgetting kindness and manners which are two of the most important things in life), but my goodness don’t worry about other people’s judgement on how to live or look or be.
Judging this person for rather fun and generous parenting is a terrible look. I often feel deeply sad for the children of people who clearly are unable to engage on their children’s level or, often, show them emotion and empathy (certainly publicly).
Stop caring about what you think other people may think about you and start living!

Oh and this was supposed to be in reply to @Arraminta

SociableAtWork · 30/05/2025 22:20

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/05/2025 13:17

Why’s it performance parenting vs just speaking and encouraging their children. You really are damned as a parent if you speak to your child, dare to look at your phone, tell your children off. Basically children are still to be seen and not heard.

Because the ones performance parenting are doing it at a very loud volume, aimed more at the unwitting audience than at the child.

They’re more concerned about other people observing their incredible parenting than they are about the child. The majority of children aren’t so hard of hearing that it needs to be loud enough for an entire street (or museum, park, soft play, farm etc) to hear.

AngelinaFibres · 30/05/2025 22:22

TheKeatingFive · 30/05/2025 16:36

It's the names that are the giveaway it seems. If the child is called Jacasta, it's 100% PP, no question. It never seems to involve a child called Sarah.

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Waitrose Malvern several years ago. Mother ahead of us in the cafe queue turns to boy of 9 who is play fighting round the tables with another boy "Orlando, ORLANDO DARLING, do you want the last portion of lasagne'. Orlando darling totally ignores her. You just know Orlando is an absolute cunt in all aspects of life.

Epli · 30/05/2025 22:29

AudHvamm · 30/05/2025 20:34

Dd is often very chatty and likes to ask lots of questions. Sometimes, particularly on the way home from a long day out, when I'm tired and my mind is wandering I'll catch myself over-explaining something I realise is outside her understanding and probably sounds a bit twatty. I might look up reflexively then to see if anyone is listening but out of self consciousness. I expect that seems performative.

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I do the same. My DD is in the 'why' phase so sometimes I give her a 'scientific' answer to a question. I don't do it for educational purposes, I do it because sometimes the answer with a lot of words she does not understand gets her confused, so there is a chance she doesn't ask 'whyyy?' for 11th time :D.

AngelinaFibres · 30/05/2025 22:44

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/05/2025 20:29

I do t have children but will often take my young nephews/ godchildren etc on days out and I think I am probably guilty of being a bit like your first example in my interactions with the. I’m an early years teacher at a special school and my default mode when I’m with small kids is to go into Mrs Tumble mode, I find it hard to switch off when interacting with kids in my real life too! I don’t mean it to be performative it’s just the way I am with kids, I probably am over the top and probably do put an educational slant on things sometimes too but it’s not because I am showing off in front of people, I’m exactly the same behind closed doors with kids too! Some of it is probably just my personality, to be honest I find it odd when I go places and there are people with young kids not interacting with them. At the park the other day and I was pushing my 2-year-old goddaughter on the swing and we were making up songs about going high etc and I guess being loud, on the next swing was a man pushing similar aged child and both were completely silent, no interaction and he was stood behind her so not even looking. I found that far weirder and sad for that child compared to a child with an interested loud attentive adult!

Presumably he had shut down because he couldn't compete with the level of noise you were producing. If he was next to you he didn't stand a chance did he. I would have hated every second of your silly bloody songs and I was a Primary school teacher for 20 years.

southerngirl10 · 30/05/2025 22:47

The parent reading a story out loud in a bookshop to their child is the one that gets me,

"Well done, That's good paying attention. You're doing really well." Said mummy at the top of her f*ing voice. "Now back to the story. The king and queen had a magic castle..."

"Can I just squeeze past, please. You're stood right in front of the book I'd like to look at."

"How dare you interrupt me when I'm reading to my child!"

Masmavi · 30/05/2025 22:53

It’s not just you! Some parents at my children’s sports games do this. Constant praise followed by the child’s name when the kid does anything, not even something vaguely effective. Wouldn’t mind so much if they were encouraging the whole team, but no. YABU. It’s all a performance

Hufflemuff · 30/05/2025 23:04

I feel like if anything, my performative parenting is performative disciplining... does anyone else just kind of shout things into the wind, that they know will be ignored and don't really matter - but we just say it not to look so shit infront of other parents.

I feel like i always had to do this when my son refused to wear a coat "ok well if you get cold it's your fault for deciding you're not wearing your perfectly good new coat!"

But apparently its judged if you do, judged if you don't 🤣

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 30/05/2025 23:08

Being an interested and interesting engaged and responsive parent is the best way to bring up an interesting and inquisitive and engaged child.
Now, absolutely, there are some pretty pushy and overly sensitive parents out there and some of them can be loud about it, but there are plenty of loud unpushy parents too, and plenty of loud obnoxious people in restaurants and on public transport without children.
But so many of the comments on here are not really about apparent performance parents they are being petty and rather horrid about parents who are being engaged and fun and communicative. It seems dreadfully sad to see so many people who have a rather victorian attitude to parenting and who feel validated in anyone who might dare show excitement and interest and emotion towards their children’s in public.