Loud parenting in public spaces

[76born]

AIBU to say that even as a parent of two, I find loud parenting and following this, loud children really bloody annoying.
Two examples this week which have had me furious 😡 (I’m obviously bored and need to get a life)
Example one, sat in a cafe now enjoying a cup of tea whilst my two build Lego (it’s a Lego cafe) and one parent is commenting on her child’s building skills, eg “oh wow Timothy, great building of a really high tower Timothy, look jacasta, look how high Timothy’s tower is” (names changed). Now dad joins in. His I’m really mean..
Example two, walking home from school last week when a young g child of about two being pushed in a pushchair mumbled and pointed at something. Mum, in the loudest, poshest voice ever, “yes darling, that black Range Rover is like the one found at grampy’s house”.
i am perimenopause, I get the rage at minor things and just would enjoy your thoughts and of course, examples, to add to this thread.
I thank you

I've always thought the Loudly Performing Parents do it because, in reality, they don't actually spend that much time engaging with their child. They over compensate for the fact they likely work very long hours, or palm the child off to an au pair/nursery etc, or boarding school etc.

It always sounds so very forced and artificial, like the parent has no idea how to just casually chat with their own child, or just sit in a companiable silence with them.

For whatever reason, they haven't built that easy, instinctive bond with their child, where you can communicate just with a glance or a quiet word.

I worry how noisy and antisocial people are becoming in public generally. People used to have better standards.

Whilst I get some parents are very obviously performing, I didn't think the op's examples sounded that bad, was it just that they were loud?
You also have to remember that there can be reasons why some children need more support, encouragement and input than others so it might seem they are being praised highly for something very small, it may actually be very big for that child.

I know what performance parenting is and I find it very amusing but I think many on MN think that if a parent is loud enough to be heard then it MUST be performance parenting.

Like the example in the OP. I doubt Timothy's mother was doing anything other than chatting to Timothy. A Lego tower is not worthy of attention from anyone else.

Performance Parenting is specifically when a parent wants everyone else to know how superior they are. In the Lego example, the mother would have been saying "What a wonderful SUSPENSION BRIDGE, Timothy! Jocasta, can you remember when we saw the Clifton Suspension Bridge? Who built that, darlings? Timothy, do you think you could build another of Isambard Kingdom Brunel's bridges next?" The mother would want to show off her children's niche knowledge.

Just having a chat with your kids is not automatically Performance Parenting just because the mother is loud and annoying

I think maybe people thought I was doing this today, but my DS swam for the first time without arm bands on and I was so unbelievably excited I couldn’t keep it in. DH was at the other side of the pool with our baby DD and I didn’t want him to miss it.

I hate to think people might have thought I was showing off, I was just really proud and I wanted DS to know it.

I was suprised at how annoyed I was today with a mother and her child. I have 2 DC of my own, DH and myself found ourselves in a cafe on a very rare occasion without the kids. This mother was loud and at the top of her voice, saying things like “just EAT” “STOP it!” Her child ate a hot chip, started to scream at the top of her voice and cry and I was like, why are you so noisy?! But then I had to stop and wonder how much noise do we make as a family out and about? But I certainly try to keep it down and teach my children to do so as well.

They are so loud I think the next row of houses down can hear them! Commentating on everything in sight to their kid in a very exaggerated tone and congratulating their kids responses - think that equates to performance parenting! Different from normal engagement with children. Some people just like the sound of their own voices I think!

Backtoreality1
spot on

Must have been a Mumsnetter - cause god forbid you actually want to have a conversation with your child it means you're just performing for everyone else!

If you’re not doing that for the approval of others then you’re not performance parenting, so don’t worry about it.
It’s obvious when you see it.

It isn’t obvious though. Because myself and other posters are saying we’ve been incorrectly accused of it.

Wow reading some of these comments I’ve probably been thought of as performative at times!

I’ll go by whatever my son (5) is interested in at that moment, I don’t do it for anyone else just him and try and tune into him.
Example from school run last week - son started practicing his number bonds to 10. 5+5 etc while scooting on his scooter
I kept asking what else makes 10, to keep him thinking about it and then shock horror praised him?!
it was quite loud, he was scooting fast ahead of me!

On another occasion he decided the pavement was lava apart from some markings, which were bridges we played the floor is lava all the way to school me following his lead.

We do stuff like this no matter who is around.

Posts and views like this make it so much h harder as a parent to do what you need to do be connected to your child and not have to worry about judgmental views.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

I do t have children but will often take my young nephews/ godchildren etc on days out and I think I am probably guilty of being a bit like your first example in my interactions with the. I’m an early years teacher at a special school and my default mode when I’m with small kids is to go into Mrs Tumble mode, I find it hard to switch off when interacting with kids in my real life too! I don’t mean it to be performative it’s just the way I am with kids, I probably am over the top and probably do put an educational slant on things sometimes too but it’s not because I am showing off in front of people, I’m exactly the same behind closed doors with kids too! Some of it is probably just my personality, to be honest I find it odd when I go places and there are people with young kids not interacting with them. At the park the other day and I was pushing my 2-year-old goddaughter on the swing and we were making up songs about going high etc and I guess being loud, on the next swing was a man pushing similar aged child and both were completely silent, no interaction and he was stood behind her so not even looking. I found that far weirder and sad for that child compared to a child with an interested loud attentive adult!

Love it. My antenatal friend let her 12 month old choose what flavour yoghurt to have as pudding,

Dd is often very chatty and likes to ask lots of questions. Sometimes, particularly on the way home from a long day out, when I'm tired and my mind is wandering I'll catch myself over-explaining something I realise is outside her understanding and probably sounds a bit twatty. I might look up reflexively then to see if anyone is listening but out of self consciousness. I expect that seems performative.

Not just me then!
Children are young, not deaf 🤣

I'm sure some of the people doing this are just performing. But also, this thread could very well be about me, speaking loudly and clearly to my speech delayed, hearing impaired child. I'm not sure you'd know the difference

I don’t think those examples are performance parenting, I talk to my toddler all the time when we are out, I try not to be overly loud just a normal conversation level but I’m sure people will occasionally overhear. I’ve even said “yes that’s like granny’s car isn’t it” when he’s pointed to one (and yes it’s a Range Rover 😂😳). It is for no one else’s benefit I’m just engaging with my child.

One of my children is disabled, pre-verbal and has poor hearing. You probably wouldn't know this from a brief observation of him. I always speak at a slightly raised level, very clearly enunciating my words and narrating everything he does, trying to engage him.

Threads like this always remind me that sadly, although we like to imagine we're just going about our day alongside nice, normal people who are minding their own business, actually there's usually some ignorant dickhead or other who's sat there judging us while we just try our best to support our child.

Not a very nice feeling when it occurs to me. But then I'm sure experiencing "rage" at random things that don't impact you is probably quite shit as well. You don't sound very pleasant and it appears to be affecting you more than the people around you.

Do you not find it hilarious?

Everyone's got something to say....
Talk to your kids.... You are an arsehole
Don't talk to your kids... You are an arsehole.
Deal with your kids behaviour... arsehole
Leave then run wild... arsehole

I totally get this. I was in Costa and there was a mother on the table behind me testing her son on his spellings. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that she’s supporting his education and engaging with him, it’s just the volume that is annoying! lol.

But how does one know the difference if we’re taking about observations of strangers? I don’t think I could tell in most cases. Some, yes.

Exactly.

My daughter has speech delay and is gestalt language processor, so it helps her understand and aquire new language if we do performance parenting (speak clearly and with intonation). I try to put my daughters needs first and not to stress about what other people around are thinking, I do get how it might sound annoying though.

I must be performance parenting then I suppose? I constantly talk to my speech delayed child about everything we see, as I’ve been encouraged to do by a speech therapist ‘loudly and clearly’. Always nice to add another thing on to the list of things to be self conscious about. Thanks OP 🙄