To Be Annoyed at DH's Friends

[hazydayz]

DH was meeting up with some of his friends because one was in town for work, four in total. I have an 11 month old DS and DH told me to come meet them because he wanted his friend one from out of town to meet our son. They were meeting for pizza across London, and it was a big production for me to get DS there, honestly. I arrived at the very end of the meal as a result, but DH didn't care. (Nor did he care about the inconvenience to haul my son all over the city, either.) Now, DS is a very active boy, and I work from home with my own business during evenings and naps, so somewhat flexible but very much bringing in money, and since I'm home, I also do pretty much all the SAHM stuff too. Well, the men showed very little interest in DS (or me), as they preferred to talk to each other, which was fine but made the ordeal feel pointless, and not long after I arrived, the two local friends said they had to get going and started saying that their wives were home with their one-month old babies (both their firsts), and so they were going to be packing up all the rest of the food to bring back to their wives and then they started loading the pizza into boxes and dividing it between the two of them. They made this big production about their poor wives, how exhausted they were, and DH and the friend from out of town were all in agreement, yes, those poor tired mums, bring them all the rest of the food to make their lives a little easier! I was sitting there with a baby on my actual lap, having just rushed all around London to meet them after minding my son and working all day, and I had not yet eaten. Sure, a newborn is tough but an 11-month old boy who is now walking and getting into everything is a lot of work, too! I would have loved to have my day made easier too! I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me. I was the only woman at the table--and I was with a BABY!

When I said something to DH afterward about how I am a tired mother of a baby too and that he should have spoken up about the food on the table, he said he knew we could just get more food later... I wish I had just stayed home. I just felt...invisible. Like did I have to wave my son in the air to remind these four men that I was also a mum with a baby?

Yabu. DH friends can come and go as they please, "waving baby in the air " Why? They're out for food, you have a DH problem, you both need to communicate more at the very least.

Why annoyed at the friends?

I'd be very annoyed with DH, but I don't know what the friends did wrong.

It wasn't a great idea for you to go, that's on your DH for not realising that it would be a faff. When you got there, did you not eat any of the food? I don't really think it's the friends' fault. As far as they are concerned you were up to crossing London with your older baby, so appeared very capable. You or your DH should have made sure you got food when you arrived or asked for some of the leftovers if you wanted them.

Not sure id be annoyed at the friends, they were there to meet up as a friend group, not meet the babies.

It’s your dh who caused this problem, he should have realised that this wasn’t an ideal situation for the friend to meet your son.

It's a DH problem I reckon...

I would have asked DH to order food for me, or said 'can I take a couple of slices, I'm starving'. Wonder why you didn't - did you not want to, or did you feel DH wouldn't have wanted you to?

You know for next time to stay at home, and that DH friends aren’t going to concern themselves with your welfare (if you’ve eaten or not etc) that’s for your DH to do, really. The only man at the table I would reasonably expect to say something about you needing food would be the man married to you. The others are concerned about their own wives.

It’s your husband you should be annoyed with, not his friends (and I think you know that).

They were rude. Why would you take it all when a person at the table hadn't eaten? The DH should have said something but doesn't mean the other men weren't extremely rude taking everything themselves.

Did they know she hadn’t eaten? Why wouldn’t you just say, or order some food for yourself?

Your DH is the idiot for inviting you. None of the other wives were going, there were no other kids, and I can’t imagine many people being interested in someone else’s kid beyond a ‘hello, aren’t you cute?’ You and the baby arriving was probably the driver to leave. If I was out with my friends and a husband showed up with a baby I’d be off asap.

Hang on, so you were just sitting there like a lemon while they ate their pizzas? Did no-one suggest getting you some? Or ordering before you arrived so you could have it when you got there? Why didn't you eat at least some of the leftovers or ask for a slice when they were being boxes up? The baby is a red herring here if no-one noticed at all that you hadn't had any food and let you go hungry which is rude of them, but you have a voice too and could have ordered for yourself (to take home if you wanted) or asked...

I think this one is partly on you - if this was me I’d have handed the baby to DH and said “I’m a tired mum too and I’m starving, so hold the baby while I get some food!” Yes, your DH could have stuck up for you but but he didn’t, so what was the point in martyring yourself?

Why didn't you ask for some pizza?

Why didn't you ask for some pizza?

When you arrived, you should have handed your DC to your DH, ordered some food and drink and joined in with the chat whilst DH took his turn at parenting.

But it seems an odd event for you to join in with to begin with and it’s definitely your H’s fault that it was all a bit pointless rather than the random other men going home to parent their kids 🤷‍♀️

But OP didn't arrive "for dinner", they wouldn't necessarily have know she expected to eat. Maybe they could have checked, but DH definitely should have.

Yeah agree. Its not very chivalrous of either DH or the friends to not even out of courtesy ask if OP had eaten but that’s by the by I guess, as an adult OP should have used her voice. If that were me (and I’m an introvert!), a tired and hungry me would have plonked baby in DH arms and said “right starting playing pass the parcel with him or whatever you wanted to do and guys can you leave a couple of piece aside for me as I’m starving”!

I imagine if OP had done that then friends surely would have happily shared and OP wouldn’t have felt invisible.

Well your DH should have asked when you arrived if you wanted to order some food for yourself, or eat some of what was left over (ideally just asked you what you wanted to order, taken the baby and let you eat your dinner in peace). Least these other men are thinking of their wife’s at home. Yes 11 month babies are hard work but at least you’re in a routine and not still in the newborn haze, forgetting to eat. Not that it’s a competition. The main issue here is your DH. Next time, just say no.

Surely you could have asked your DH for his leftovers or ordered your own food? Why did these chaps have to give you their leftovers?

The friends didn’t do anything wrong in fact nice of them to take pizza back. You should have ordered food or your dh should have for you

No way would I have dragged myself and an 11 month old across London to meet them, I would have told DH that if he wants his friends to meet the baby they can home to your house to see him! Why on earth did you do it? I wouldn't have been angry with DHs friends but I would have been cross with him if he didn't order you some food and drink when you arrived.

I'd have found it irritating that the men seemed to portray themselves as heroes for taking home cold pizza for their partners. I would have felt tempted to suggest maybe the men could stay home next time and let their poor exhausted wives actually eat hot food in a restaurant. Heroes don't bring home congealed cheese

Why didn't you get yourself a slice?

Use your words. You could have said no to dragging your kid crosstown. You could have told them you were hungry and had some food.

Your husband overestimated their interest in his son, but that's pretty normal. Nobody is as interested in your kids as the parents (and maybe some gps).

This is all very odd.

It does seem like a bad idea for you to go in the first place. Or if DH was so desperate for them to meet the baby, why didn’t he just take the baby along in the first place, or all go together?

Once there, why didn’t you hand the baby to DH and order some pizza?

Sounds like the others had no idea that an 11 mo is still demanding, just in a different way to a 1 mo.

This too tbh. Why would their wives want the cold pizza?