To Be Annoyed at DH's Friends

[hazydayz]

DH was meeting up with some of his friends because one was in town for work, four in total. I have an 11 month old DS and DH told me to come meet them because he wanted his friend one from out of town to meet our son. They were meeting for pizza across London, and it was a big production for me to get DS there, honestly. I arrived at the very end of the meal as a result, but DH didn't care. (Nor did he care about the inconvenience to haul my son all over the city, either.) Now, DS is a very active boy, and I work from home with my own business during evenings and naps, so somewhat flexible but very much bringing in money, and since I'm home, I also do pretty much all the SAHM stuff too. Well, the men showed very little interest in DS (or me), as they preferred to talk to each other, which was fine but made the ordeal feel pointless, and not long after I arrived, the two local friends said they had to get going and started saying that their wives were home with their one-month old babies (both their firsts), and so they were going to be packing up all the rest of the food to bring back to their wives and then they started loading the pizza into boxes and dividing it between the two of them. They made this big production about their poor wives, how exhausted they were, and DH and the friend from out of town were all in agreement, yes, those poor tired mums, bring them all the rest of the food to make their lives a little easier! I was sitting there with a baby on my actual lap, having just rushed all around London to meet them after minding my son and working all day, and I had not yet eaten. Sure, a newborn is tough but an 11-month old boy who is now walking and getting into everything is a lot of work, too! I would have loved to have my day made easier too! I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me. I was the only woman at the table--and I was with a BABY!

When I said something to DH afterward about how I am a tired mother of a baby too and that he should have spoken up about the food on the table, he said he knew we could just get more food later... I wish I had just stayed home. I just felt...invisible. Like did I have to wave my son in the air to remind these four men that I was also a mum with a baby?

Yabu to go in the first place really

She shouldn't need to ask, she should have just taken some or ordered some. Sounds a bizarre situation. And OP you need to take what you need, not wait for it to be given to you.

Well, you can warm it up and the joy of cold pizza for breakfast is a thing here. We can buy it by the slice too.

Im not sure why your dh thought his friends would be interested to meet his kid, and im not sure why you agreed to go just because he told you to?
Then you weren't allowed to eat? Am i right?

I really hate cold or reheated pizza. Pizza needs to be fresh imo.

I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me.

Well they did deserve better treatment than the shit way your DH treated you 😳

I would've laughed hysterically at my DH if he expected me to drag our baby across London to meet his mates.

Oof, OP you are getting a hard time here.

Your DH was out of order getting you to schlep across London just to arrive at the tail end of a lunch date. He was also rude not to check if you had eaten.

The other men were ridiculous thinking that their wives would be grateful for them to stroll in after a nice relaxed lunch with friends, only to hand them some cold leftover slices of pizza. However, from the sounds of it, they likely thought you were there just to join your DH to go home from somewhere else, it doesn't sound like they realised you were there to meet with them and have lunch, given that you arrived at the end of the meal.

I don't think you are unreasonable in this situation, but I would chalk this up as a miscommunication/ different expectations. Hope you got something nice to eat after the friends left.

You were in a restaurant, so why couldn't you have just ordered something to eat ?
Or just say no in the first place to traipsing across London with an 11 month old.

You need to stand up for yourself.

I really don't know why you're annoyed at his mates for treating their wives with more thought, than your husband treats you?

I think you should have declined when asked to travel across London for a boys night out

As is usually the case on MN you have a thoughtless, useless, unsupportive DH. Stop blaming everyone else for your choice of a crap partner.

There were a lot of 'big productions' involved here.

Almost as if this whole thing was produced 🤔

Yes the friends were a bit insensitive by not offering you pizza or putting much effort into you and your son when you’d made the effort to go all the way there BUT the blame is with your husband. His friends thought it was an evening with the guys and then he invited you and baby, DH should have made effort to include you, he should have appreciated the effort you made and he should have made sure you’d eaten and to be honest if he wanted baby there he should have organised taking him, rather than expect you to trek all the way there.

If his friends have babies at home they were probably looking forward to a child free evening with their mates and weren’t that interested in your child, and thats more than okay. DH should have thought more about if the occasion was really the right time to bring his wife and son along

I can’t figure out what you’re annoyed about?

Travelling with your child to meet friends. is it just that you didn’t want or and didn’t even get to eat so your annoyed.

it shouldnt be such a big deal to take an 11 mo old out for a couple of hours really

I don’t know why you went, tbh.
Taking one 11 month old across a city is hardly a huge ordeal, don’t know why this meant you arrived late?
Are you a bit resentful that these friends showed consideration for their wives that you feel your DH doesn’t show to you?

You have to learn to put your child first. Is it in his interest to go across London and be put on display. No.

You also have to put yourself first. Was it in your interest to join DH and his drinking mates? No.

Lessen learned . You have to do what’s best for you and do not compromise your own needs.

Why on earth trek across London with a baby to a social occasion of your DH’s? If you’d thought about it, you’d have had a fair idea that his friends weren’t really on fire to meet your child, surely, regardless of what he said?

Why didn't dad take him if he wanted friends to meet child? Why did you have to be there?

Martyrdom from you paired perfectly with obliviousness from your DH.

The friends did nothing wrong, though. You were a grown adult sitting in a restaurant with (presumably) communal food on the table making no move to eat any of it. Why would they need to prompt you to eat? They aren't responsible for deciding how much of a "production" it is for you to bring your son somewhere and they didn't pressure you into it - they may not have shown any interest in you joining at all. The talk about getting back to their wives was them trying to bring the visit to a polite end ("I'll have to be off my wife is at home with the baby... Oh look at the time, I need to get going or I'll be late for...") and taking the leftovers without asking was only rude if your DH had treated everyone. If you're feeling unappreciated and not cared for then talk to your DH and work on looking after your own needs but don't blame these friends.

You are a grown woman who can think and do things for yourself are you not?

were you being filmed during the production?

If my DH had asked me to trek across London of an evening to show his friends our baby, I’d have said no fucking way, and he’d probably have said, ‘fair enough’. I have no idea why you agreed to this, or why he suggested it, or why you didn’t just help yourself to pizza if you were hungry and it was right there in front of you.

If you arrive into a restaurant at the end of a meal, I don't think it would occur to me that you intended to eat.

The friends were impolite to not at least ask if you wanted any pizza before taking it all, but your husband is the main problem here. He overestimated the importance of having his friend see the baby, putting you to extra trouble for something that didn't really matter, and he didn't ask if you wanted anything to eat. Tell him, and both of you can learn from this experience. Next time he wants someone to meet his child, he can handle the transportation or they can come to where you are. If you don't like his friends, I wouldn't bother meeting up with them again, or at least wait until everyone (including other wives and kids) will be gathering.

In short, it was annoying, but it's over now, and you don't have to do it again.

It's easier than to admit she has an inconsiderate husband. But OP, you should have spoken up or ordered food. It's strange that you didn't.