To Be Annoyed at DH's Friends

[hazydayz]

DH was meeting up with some of his friends because one was in town for work, four in total. I have an 11 month old DS and DH told me to come meet them because he wanted his friend one from out of town to meet our son. They were meeting for pizza across London, and it was a big production for me to get DS there, honestly. I arrived at the very end of the meal as a result, but DH didn't care. (Nor did he care about the inconvenience to haul my son all over the city, either.) Now, DS is a very active boy, and I work from home with my own business during evenings and naps, so somewhat flexible but very much bringing in money, and since I'm home, I also do pretty much all the SAHM stuff too. Well, the men showed very little interest in DS (or me), as they preferred to talk to each other, which was fine but made the ordeal feel pointless, and not long after I arrived, the two local friends said they had to get going and started saying that their wives were home with their one-month old babies (both their firsts), and so they were going to be packing up all the rest of the food to bring back to their wives and then they started loading the pizza into boxes and dividing it between the two of them. They made this big production about their poor wives, how exhausted they were, and DH and the friend from out of town were all in agreement, yes, those poor tired mums, bring them all the rest of the food to make their lives a little easier! I was sitting there with a baby on my actual lap, having just rushed all around London to meet them after minding my son and working all day, and I had not yet eaten. Sure, a newborn is tough but an 11-month old boy who is now walking and getting into everything is a lot of work, too! I would have loved to have my day made easier too! I just felt like somehow all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me. I was the only woman at the table--and I was with a BABY!

When I said something to DH afterward about how I am a tired mother of a baby too and that he should have spoken up about the food on the table, he said he knew we could just get more food later... I wish I had just stayed home. I just felt...invisible. Like did I have to wave my son in the air to remind these four men that I was also a mum with a baby?

Why did you even go in the first place. I can’t get on board with the whole ‘I’m such a tired, vulnerable, and hard working mum too, how come I didn’t get any attention, blub blub blub’. It’s really naff. Your husbands mates probably thought it was ridiculous you turned up in the first place. Your annoyance is being directed at the wrong people. Be annoyed with your husband a little bit, but be annoyed with yourself a lot.

A one month old baby is way more tiring than an 11 month.
The friends weren't interested in you to the baby, they didn't invite you - your husband did. It was probably weird when you turned up.
Why didn't you just start eating? Did everyone share different pizzas?
Lots of drama.

Direct your anger to where it belongs , your inconsiderant husband, these others are not the reason you were put in this position.

Yanbu.

Your h invited you.

Nobody was interested. Your h didn't really seem bothered in the end either.

Next time say no. Put yourself first and your ds.

And some of this is all performative bollocks like your h sympathising with other men about their tired wives.

All babies are tiring whether 1 month or 11 months.

I mean don't be pissed of with your h's friends. Be irritated with him.

So - you’re annoyed at your DHs friends for being thoughtful and considerate about their wives, unlike your DH? Yep. Sounds legit.

YABU to be annoyed with the friends. You should be annoyed with your DH.

Surely when you arrived you handed child over to his father, and picked up a menu and ordered your meal ?

Why didn’t you just say you hadn’t eaten yet?

And why on earth did you not tell your husband you were not going to (skip dinner and) travel across London with your baby to show him to your DH’s friend?

You know you have a voice and you are allowed to do what works best for you, don’t you?

I think you need to work on voicing your needs. For example, saying you’re not going because it’s not convenient for you. Or going but saying you want a pizza when you get there.

People aren’t mind readers. They don’t know somethings not convenient for you. They don’t know you’re hungry or haven’t eaten.

Speak up woman!

There’s no way in hell I’d have arrived and started eating others leftovers. As someone else said why didn’t you pass your child to his dad and order food? You’re an adult and can make decisions for yourself, everyone was probably ready to leave and had to get home, I don’t understand why you didn’t just get food for yourself?

If DH really wanted his friend to meet your baby, why didn't he take the baby?

And also, it might be nice to meet the baby, but I do think partner + child rocking up ruins the dynamic a bit. Your DH should have realized that and shouldn't have invited you as it set you up for failure. Not enough reward for the effort of schlepping across London.

This.

Might have been a dig at your dh for not mentioning/checking partners and kids invited.

Your showing up with DS probably made them feel guilty about being out while their wives were at home with the newborns. This is probably why your DH didn't mind - he was seen as the good one for making sure his wife got to be with him for the evening.

all these men thought these wives with one-month olds deserved better treatment than me.
Well yes. What's wrong with that?
Your husband was weird to invite his wife and kid to a mans meet up, you should have just declined.

If I was with a friend and her bloke and/or kid showed up that would be home time for me.

This is very odd. You sound somehow resentful that the ladies with newborns were considered more, when actually newborns can be exhausting for some. They may well be up half the night and glued to a breastfeeding baby so being bright a nice pizza is probably a bonus. You have one 11 month old.

You travelled across town, apparently that naturally means you will be late?

You then arrived and didn't eat? Did your husband have any leftovers? If so I'd have naturally grabbed them if not ordering my own, presuming the guys just packaged up their own food?

Congratulations on going out for lunch with a BABY though.

Does your DH make a habbit of you running around and being busy, for no real reason? I've known a few men who did that. You should have questioned you turning up and decided against it. You were physically there, so was your DH, in the middle of London, between you, you can sort food. Their wives were left at home, with newborns. You had no business being there. If your DH wants people to meet your son, he takes him. Readdress the imbalance at home.

YABU, you have your own voice.

Did your DH know you hadn't eaten? Maybe he thought you had because you weren't showing any interest in the pizza.

Why on earth didn't you say, I haven't eaten and I'm starving can I have a slice. There is no way you'd have been denied.

Why didn't you text your DH when you were otw 'btw I haven't eaten yet, so make sure to save some slices for me'.

And why were you so late? That's on you really, I don't see why having an 11 month old in tow means you miss the entire meal.

DH’s friends are actually the only reasonable ones in this story.

Perhaps you don´t mean it this way at all, but you do come across a bit martyrdom-ish. I would´ve plonked down, handed baby to husband, grabbed menu and ordered myself something. It´s a bit awww poor mum she no longer has a brain and can´t speak.

Well they are out eating pizza while their wives work extra hours after an already long day so they are cunts, as is your husband

That’s fucking ridiculous 🤣.

Firsr rule of motherhood/martyrdom…thou shall not permit husband any opportunity for pizza with friends until child’s 18th birthday. Ffs 🤦‍♀️.

Your DH surely should have got you some food when you got there? Why are you annoyed at his friends?

I think your hunger at the time might be exaggerating the men’s heroics. They were just taking their leftovers home for their wives (I love cold pizza personally, so good on them). Maybe they were highlighting your DH’s shitness in comparison which is really what annoyed you. He shouldn’t have got you to come and you should have stayed home, or ordered pizza or asked for some or been offered some by DH. In any event, none of this is on the friends. They were enjoying their night together and you turned up at the end of the dinner with a tot. If DH wanted them to be interested he should’ve taken the lead on that. Sorry you had a crap time but yabu to blame the friends.